Check-Up #17

I have been meaning to update this over the last couple of months so apologies to anyone still reading that nothing new has appeared. Things have gotten busier at work recently and I'm now back at the office full time so it feels like I have less time than I used to especially for relaxing in the evenings. It feels like I just get home, eat something, watch TV and then go to sleep to get back up and do it all over again early in the morning. 

Over the past couple of months I've bought some new clothes - a lovely yellow and black patterned top and a nice dress which, as you know, I do get attracted to work-wear kind of stuff and this is grey with white sleeves with a frill on the end, small collar and a black tie. I don't know if I'll ever find anywhere to wear it but it's still nice. I also bought a black dress with green and blue flowers on it and a little frill on the shoulders. It's quite on trend at the moment so I'm pleased with myself for looking vaguely fashionable. I actually got it due to a voucher for a high street store gifted to me by a colleague for some help with a big project at work so of course my first thought was for clothes. I still have some money left on it too. 

I have had a couple of occasions now where I've dressed femme to go out. One week I met a friend for a drink and ended up staying the night and going home in the early morning feeling a little delicate. Last week I wore the aforementioned flowery dress to a friend's birthday drink at a pub and ended up feeling a little out of sorts. It was a crowded pub which didn't help plus it was Valentine's weekend and the Six Nations rugby was on so sports fans were everywhere. As sometimes happens, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and couldn't really get the thought out of my mind despite the fact that I liked the dress and felt comfortable in it. I will add that I did get a few compliments which is always nice and everyone was very friendly. I think it may be the fact that I arrived too early and spent some time waiting around for everyone so I just felt too self conscious. Some nights I end up wondering why I bother and what's the point of it all if I just end up feeling like the odd one out. Of course on the flip side, had I just worn a jumper and jeans I would have felt worse for not taking the opportunity to dress femme. I don't think I'm the type to just scorch the earth and give everything up. In fact, the week just gone I saw a dress in a charity shop I loved. Tried it on and it was a little small which was a shame but I think it goes to prove just how passionate I feel about it and how good it ultimately makes me feel. 

I'm not sure if there's anything I particularly want to do this year but I have been meaning to try and do something about make-up but I just don't have the passion for it yet I think it would do a lot to help me with my self image where cosplay is concerned. 

Occasionally I think again about asking work if I can wear more femme clothes but I go back and forth with it. I think they would probably agree but I'm not sure if I want to make that leap. I could probably weather any comments from colleagues but there's still a nagging feeling that I would be making things worse for myself. Sometimes I think I'm too old for things like this and that maybe it should be for the next generation but then I guess you only get to that point if previous generations fight for these things. Maybe it's just how I grew up and the ingrained attitudes I grew up with. Then again just this week I was writhing on the floor trying to fix the office printer (certainly not very demure) and then just Friday night with Storm Eunice battering Britain the trains were all cancelled so I travelled home on a crowded bus and ended up unexpectedly being picked up by my parents so I don't know how I would have explained that had I been wearing a dress. Oh well, maybe I will one day. 

Check-Up #5

Well everyone, I finally bought some new clothes this week...ok so a replacement pair of blue tights for a pair I tore by accident. The colour is slightly off so I may still have to shop around but I'll keep them as I expect I'll find out what works with them. As they say over at Buzzfeed, the results will suprise you. One thing I'm proud of is my developing fashion sense and it's exciting to keep trying new things and new combinations of skirts, tights, tops etc. When everything finally clicks and you find an outfit you love then it feels so rewarding and you feel so good about it. I will write a lengthier piece about this at some point but I would just say it's something you learn over time so if you're in a quandry about starting to dress because you think you have little idea about women's fashion then don't worry as it will come in time and you will develop a style you like if you find it's something that you're into.

Speaking of tights I just wanted to mention Snag Tights. Some of my friends have highlighted how much they love these tights and how the company are struggling in this time of lockdown as are many others. Full disclosure: I've never tried the tights myself but I will be ordering some soon especially the Rasberry Pie pair and possibly the Beach Bum. They also seem to be using male models in a couple of shots too which is quite cool.

EDIT: Checking out the website they also specify that they are a fully inclusive brand and welcome people of all ages, sizes and genders which is pleasing to see. 

https://snagtights.com/  

One final thing I'll mention this week is a programme I was watching today. It was called My Life: I'm Not Just A Boy In A Dress and was a half hour programme shown on CBBC which I noticed as I was looking through the TV listings. Even at my age and despite working out some of my issues, my eyes are still drawn to any programmes to do with drag, crossdressing or explorations of gender identity as I still feel I may learn something about myself.  The programme centered on a lad named Lewis who at 14 has his own drag personality, Athena, and put on a drag show in his town with some of his friends. Shows like this usually bring back a lot of feelings I had as a teenager and how much I wish I had that sense of identity at that age but then I also grew up in a very different time and perhaps like anyone else I had to go through the things I did to become the person I am. At least it gives me hope for future generations. Drag itself has certainly changed and become a lot more acceptable since I was a teen which I expect is mainly down to Ru Paul's Drag Race. As with anything though I expect I would still have been too awkward and shy to do anything about it at that age.

Check-Up #2.5

So I was thinking about my last post a bit today and it made me think of something a friend said to me a few years ago.

At times like this when a lot of people are cooped up, the news is rather bleak and even a simple walk outside or a trip to the shops can cause anxiety to sky rocket (as you know, normally I enjoy a shop but the present situation has ramped up my anxiety in the last few weeks) then dressing is probably the last thing on your mind. While I do it in some form most nights there are some times I just don't feel like it although at this time of year it's more to do with how damn cold it is. I remember I had just been to a party and the next day bemoaned that while most folks suffering with a hangover would doubtless be dressed in tracksuit bottoms and comfy jumpers, I appeared to be dressed like a preppie schoolgirl (white top, black cardie, grey skirt and black tights) when my friend told me that this was the most important time to do it when you don't feel like it. I've never forgotten that and its bucked me up when I've been feeling a bit down because times like these are when when need to bring the brightness and sparkles and girliness the most and there are a lot of times wearing a great outfit really cheers me up. So if you're in any doubt about whether this is the right time for you then please give it a try if you are able.

While I'm here I would also like to end off with a quote I've been meaning to put up for a while. I initially encountered it on Madonna's song What It Feels Like for a Girl (2000) but I now know that it came from the 1993 film The Cement Garden which was written and directed by Andrew Birkin and based on the 1978 novel of the same name by Ian McEwan. In the film the line is spoken by the character Julie played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. I'm afraid I don't know much else about it as I've neither read the book or seen the film but the quote has always stuck in my mind. I've taken the below from a lyric search on Google.

"Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots 'cause it's okay to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl"

Handbags and Gladrags

Sorry I haven't updated this for a while but I have been quite busy with work this month and a couple of other things. For a quick update though, I spent all last night dressed while at a friend's birthday in a pub and once more I ended up changing in the train station toilet beforehand. I'm getting quite good at it now. I bought another dress today as well; black with flowers in different colours on it. Bit difficult to describe really.

I've been thinking about getting a handbag recently. It's something I didn't think I would consider but, as I've said earlier, it's been a bit like Pokemon at times. It's like I have to collect everything girly to complete the picture: proper shoes, boots, dresses, jewellery etc. Anyway, since I've been going out dressed I realise I often need something to put keys, wallet etc in (and I don't doubt it will fill up with sundry others over time). I have a small backpack for cons but I need something a little more nicer, prettier perhaps.

I'm not really the sort to carry a bag with just handles and I don't think it would look good on me. I think I need something with a strap and I've been coming back to the idea of a backpack again, perhaps in black or light blue. I've not really been one for backpacks, too easily stolen from, since I was at school some 25 years ago however small backpacks were quite a thing for girls in the 90s so they're something I do associate a little with femininity. On the other hand, I've seen a nice looking small shoulder bag with one of those big chunky zips that everything seems to have to have now that I like but I'm not sure of and I still keep leaning towards the backpack. I could by both after all I considered I might need something for best but then I know I wouldn't have any place to use it.

Some part of me though also wants to be a girl with a large handbag hooked over her arm marching down the road in heels. 

July Update

Well, it's been quite a few weeks since I last posted and July's been a month that's gone by quite quickly. Bought some new clothes and even nearly gave the whole thing up.

Firstly, I went to a birthday drinks thing for a friend of mine and it's the first time I've dressed in public for quite a while. These days I do on most nights if I can and feel like it whether it's just putting on a dress and some leggings or maybe swapping out jeans for a skirt. Anyway, I was wearing a black dress with hearts on, tights and boots. As the night wore on I did begin to get really self conscious about it because sometimes no matter how great everyone is, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I'll never be like the girls in their pretty dresses on the dance floor and at that time I wish I hadn't bothered and just dressed like one of the guys. Of course, I realise that those wishes are not the same. While I may covert, say, a nice blue dress and black heels, I don't really wish to be dressed as the guys say in a red shirt, jeans and shoes. Nothing about the actual outfit, it's just a vote for conformity and a wish itself to blend back into the background and be 'normal'.

It didn't help that once I got home, after having had enough to drink, I fell down the stairs. Now, this isn't as bad as it sounds. It was only a few stairs but still left me injured enough to make sitting down for the next couple of weeks a bit hard plus i was going on holiday for a few days. There and then I wasn't sure if I would dress again. I've heard of a few people taking the 'scorch the earth' approach and getting rid of everything to do with their fantasies: clothes, captions, wigs, the lot. In the back of my mind I never truly thought I would take this approach but I was thinking about it quite a lot.

Once I got back I purchased a new dress, a Hell Bunny Land Girl dress. I've been wanting something Hell Bunny for a while now and a friend recommended this to me at the birthday drinks and said they thought it would suit me. I also bought some tights with seams up the back to compliment it although you can barely see it because of the length of the dress ( a bit too long for me actually). I also bought some black shoes (flats) which I've now worn twice and seem both too big and too small at the same time.

Last week I headed up north to another birthday party wearing the dress. While I felt better this time because I had a lot of friends around me, a bout of stomach ache early on in the evening caused me to sit by myself and internalise a bit. Going to the toilet has been a nervy experience in the past and someone did remark on me but to be honest I'm not sure how malicious it was as I was halfway out the door plus it was a pub and you have to expect drunken comments. Not one of my friends either. Just because people don't understand, it doesn't mean you are going to get set upon at every turn. I didn't end up travelling in the dress that time (I had a hotel room) but it was nice to do.

And so to earlier this week. Rarely will I change out of my work clothes to go out for drinks with friends mainly because I can't be arsed lugging around extra clothes and shoes however this time I needed a larger bag because the zip on my usual one had just broke. I had a book group to attend later that night so I considered changing. I took the clothes and was thinking about it all day. At the end of the day I headed to a nearby station, downed a half pint of liquid courage and headed to the toilets to change. It was quite a walk but worth it. The night went wonderfully. I wore my black Wednesday Addams dress with black tights and the flats. Some said it was very pretty and that I looked nice. Very uplifting so I will definitely see if I can do that again. Partly I was having the fantasy that I had just come from work dressed like that and I started to wonder what I would wear if I was allowed to.

January Update

Well, it's a been a while since my last update. Nothing major has really happened but it's been an interesting few weeks.

Christmas was the usual family affair, always very enjoyable and relaxing few days. During the break between Christmas and the New Year I went out a couple of times for drinks with friends and even 'dressed' for it. One day I spent a sizable chunk actually getting ready. Bought a new pair of boots. Really nice black with a buckle on the side. The sort you see girls wearing that makes it look like they're just one size too big and look really nice when coupled with a dress and tights. I painted my nails again and although I still enjoy the look, it's getting to be a bit frustrating when it keeps coming off even with a coat of non-chip. Still, everything went fine with no major incidents and I got some nice compliments.

Now, New Year was meant to be a full circle for me as I was due to wear my lovely black dress to my friends' party. I was going to get new shoes and maybe try a bit more make-up proving to myself how far I had come in a year and achieved an ambition I never even knew I had. Alas, though the party was called off due to illness and troublesome facilities so it was a night in with a Marvel movie, various firework displays and Robbie Williams singing for some reason.

I've bought a couple of nice necklaces now as well and ran into a little bit of trouble while looking at belts in a second hand store when one of the assistants informed me that I was looking in womens' section and directed me to the mens'. Now, I could have made a fuss and indeed I've been mentally preparing for this sort of thing but to be honest I didn't see the worth in it and mumbled over to the mens section. She was a nice old lady only trying to help and of the many fights I could potentially face, this is not the hill I want to die on.

I've returned to work which is getting busier and more stressful by the day as I'm struggling to catch up. Last week though I saw my girlfriend and admitted my crossdressing to her and had a nice response. She's a little apprehensive although she admits it's because she really hasn't much experience of it and I'm wondering what the first time she sees me 'dressed' (probably in a few weeks) will be like. She's only the second person I think I've actually told; everyone else got the visual first. She sent me some nice texts the next day too. So that's basically where I am at the moment

New Dress

I may be turning into a bit of a rockabilly girl judging by some of the dresses I've been looking at recently.

I bought a new dress today. The second in as many weeks. I still feel a bit sheepish trying them on in the store but the fact that I am now is at least a step up. It always feels so good when it fits though and actually looks good. I think I've gone down a dress size now and hopefully my weight won't go back up anytime soon otherwise there's a few things that may not fit anymore. It's a lovely dress too and my only regret is that I don't really have the curvy figure to go along with it. Oh, and it could be a bit shorter too. I still seem to be getting more knee length skirts and dresses and I tend to go for larger sizes because of my broad shoulders. I've had some nice comments about my legs and I would like to show them off a bit.  

Otherwise, I'm looking forward to Christmas tomorrow and some time off. Hopefully I may have some occasions coming up I'm going to dress for especially New Year's Eve for which I have a lovely dress I'm going to wear. Never know what I'm doing for New Year's not less actually looking forward to it.

About Last Night

So, leading on from my last post, I did indeed go to a birthday party dressed last night (still fully clothed, to avoid confusion, well that's a misleading phrase although I doubt with my face and body there's a lot of confusion going on but, well, if there was it would be good for the ego).

Now, my primary concern was the travel and I'm happy to say that nothing really happened. It was much easier to open the door this time perhaps because I was a bit more convicted this time around. This had been in the back of my mind, and the outfit I wanted to wear, for most of the week. I knew what outfit I wanted to wear too and, apart from a few tights based considerations for the cold and rainy weather. For those that want to know, I wore a beige jumper with Peter Pan collar, blue denim mini skirt, black tights and a pair of Chuck Taylors. I've also found out that it helps with my nerves if I listen to music or a podcast on the way so I spend most of my time with my earphones in. This journey was a bit long and involved a walk, train journey, walk through a shopping centre, tube journey (including through the Death Star AKA Canary Wharf station. To further explain the hilarity of this joke, they filmed parts of Rogue One there) and another walk trying to find the place.

A couple of incidents stick in my mind and possibly that was due to my paranoia. I passed a guy while I was walking who definitely said something but I couldn't make it out because of my headphones. Probably nothing, probably just talking on his phone. There was an older lady who appeared to be looking in my general direction on the tube but she was just looking for a seat and then while walk on the way back there was a girl who appeared to be trying to look up my skirt. Not sure what to make of that. For the rest of my night, no-one even commented on my appearance although some of the girls I was with did say that I could wear a smaller size than I and perhaps I could wear a shorter skirt. Indeed, I have had much appreciation for my legs. Of course, if a transvestite standing at the bar doesn't seem to get noticed in an effort to get served I'm not sure about anyone else.

The Silhouette

It's been quite a busy few weeks and I think it shows just how far I've come that any one of these things would have, at one time, been huge steps for me.

One thing is that I've had the conversation about my crossdressing with my roommate, a friend of mine for over 20 years, and he's fine with it. Only done it once in front of him (bit too cold for tights in this house at the moment) and it hasn't really changed anything as I thought it might.

A few weeks ago, I went for a weekend away in a large town in the north of England and on one of those days decided to dress, spending most of the day in a glittery jumper, blue skirt and leggings. I was quite pleased, I walked around the town and even went for a meal with my friends although we spent most of the day in the hotel. Everyone was fine with it and the only time I felt uncomfortable was when I was at close quarters with someone in a lift. Indeed, the only time anyone questioned my choice of attire was in a lift when one girl asked why I was "wearing a girls top". I didn't answer in the end because by that time the lift stopped and I got out.

Now, why the title? Well, I was thinking about the last time I dressed in public a couple of months ago and why I was so annoyed with myself. I never added at the time how much of a wrench it was to walk out the door that evening and it certainly took an alcoholic contribution but sometimes I reach the point where I just want to do it and to hell with the consequences. The rage and frustration just builds up so much I just want to throw myself into the fire, or dance into it as Duran Duran would have it, and take whatever is thrown at me. Nerves do get the better of me at certain situations and despite initial nerves I reach a point where I just don't care about it any more and just want to get it over and done with. Don't want to be scared any more.

Anyway, back to the title, after the last time I figured out that I'm not used to the silhouette. I'm used to looking down and seeing a pair of trousers, not a skirt and my legs (which I have been told look wonderful) in tights or leggings. It looks unusual. I started to think about this after going to the toilet in that pub and a friend remarked that it was 'weird  to see a skirt coming down the stairs'. In the nicest way you understand. Another friend later got me to have a word with him as he was scared he had offended me. I have to accept that as me now and once I get used to it, I think things will be better. Wearing a jumper or top is different, mainly because I can hide it but you can't hide the bottom half so well.

As a brief update on clothes and make-up, I have bought another couple of tops (one I'm still waiting for, Amazon), tried lipstick briefly and also continued to paint my nails. Last week while out drinking with friend's again, one pressed some nail varnishes into my hand while at the bar. I'm so grateful to this woman for a lot of things. When she first saw me dressed, she asked whether I had always felt odd wearing trousers (or something to that effect, I can't quite recall at this late hour) and I was quite taken aback. I had never considered anything like that. Anyway, she passed me them at the bar in case I didn't want anyone else to see which is very considerate although it has strengthened my resolve. Why should I be ashamed of this? I'm only wearing clothes after all.  I should own it more, not feel so ashamed. Then again it's not as if I've not been in a fight or been threatened in my life and that was wearing my normal clothes. I wear a suit every day for my job and that seems to draw all sorts of people to you thinking that you've got pots of money to give away (bust my lip the other week after I slipped over trying to run away from someone, true story). I think also because I expect it, I can front it out a bit more.

All of which leads me up to the present and another birthday party at a London bar (I'm not an alcoholic, honest) this coming weekend in which I'm considering/really wanna dress for. My earlier experiences have led me to another source of frustration and that is travel. When I'm with my friends, I'm fine and even up north there was a hotel in easy running distance but like the other month and this up coming weekend I will have the stress of train and tube travel, feeling that everyone's starring at me. I think it goes back to feeling at close quarters with someone. It doesn't help that a football stadium has recently been built on the line I travel on. I guess the only way to get over this is to do it more until I get more relaxed with my new silhouette.  

After a Week

So, it's been a weird week.

After what happened last weekend, I just kept throwing it all over in my mind, trying to work things out. For example, why I felt so bad this time rather than a couple of months ago. I think at that time it was a nice sunny day in a small area and I had gotten used to the situation, the people and general vibe (plus had drunk quite a bit) whereas last week it was raining and I had a lot more angst since I had to travel and wasn't sure how I would be received even though I was among friends. I still felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and in most of the photos I look miserable. I guess it was still a positive experience all told though and it would be easier if I tried it again.

I keep thinking about the girl I'm seeing at the moment. I think she may be ok with it but there's a world of difference between crossplay and dressing. Time was I could have left it but now it may be harder to put the genie back in the bottle. Apologies if I'm repeating myself.

On something newer though, I painted my nails for the first time today. Seems a bit strange looking down and seeing them painted but overall I like it. I think body shaving, certainly my arms, is the next step. Looking down and seeing a hairy arm doesn't do you much favours when trying to go girly.

The Path of Least Resistance

In what looks like to be another of my what-happend-next style of posting, I better reveal what happened at the party I went to recently. As you know, I was in a quandary about what to do, whether to take this moment of opportunity or choose the path of least resistance. I was procrastinating about it all day and even a little liquid courage did nothing to bolster me further.

Now, the outfit I was considering was basically a t-shirt (male), denim skirt, black tights (later unfortuntly laddered) and my usual trainers. Very simple. As time ticked down, I thought I would just put the skirt on just to see how I felt in it and...actually left the house in it. Now, you may think the opposite from the blog title but this kind of typified my inner struggle plus I think it made a better title. So I took the journey, about an hour or so, to the pub the party was being held in. I think I got some looks but I could just be paranoid. It did help having my ipod on too. The rain however did not help.

So a good night right? Well, a bit of a setback for some reason I was in a foul mood most of the night, angry at myself, my own procrastination and still feeling very self conscious. Nobody minded though and the only person who said anything was me. It was even broadcast live on social media. I had some great discussions with some of the women there though and someone even lent me some nail polish to try it out which has excited me a little, trying out someone's own colour. Despite a positive experience, it has left me a little hesitant to do it again for a while and to be honest I almost wish I had worn my trousers that night and just blended in. I may have enjoyed the party more. Still, it's another step at least.

Quandary

I've been thinking about another public outing recently but this time I'm a little more hesitant.

I'm due to go to a party in a pub in London in a few days time most of the people there will be friends, an I was considering wearing a skirt. Hell, I spent at least an hour on the underground in a dress so it can't be hard right?

So why am I so hesitant? Well, despite everything, I've always been quite shy, bit of an introvert, and in fact it's fascinating to me that God or fate or whoever saw fit to give me these feelings which, If I decided to act on them and stay true to myself, puts me in the spotlight. Lights me up for everyone so I can't crawl into the background. If I want to. If I follow through.

I know I'll end up answering the same questions and replying to the same comments all night if I do and I don't know if it's worth the hassle. Might be better just to have a trouble free night but am I taking a backwards step if I do? Or maybe I'm just shooting a bit too high for now.

Nine Worlds 2016

Ok, so I got back from the convention last weekend and I really enjoyed it.

Even though I was sad that some of my friends couldn't make it, it was still a blast and one of the best cons I've been to for years. Of course, if you're reading this I expect you want to know about the cosplay. Well, my nerve has gotten greater with each passing year. Didn't do it for the first year and only managed a quick one on the Sunday the second but this year I had three planned. The first I didn't do in the end which would have been Castiel from Supernatural (no crossplay) but because I didn't have the correct coat and would have been a bit hot in three layers. Still might do it at some point though. I ended up with one that has the merest suggestion of Wash from Firefly.

So anyway, on the Saturday out came my Star Trek dress and the boots and it was as brilliant as I hoped it would be. I initially had a blue wig and I did mean to go for a whole 'blue haired alien babe' vibe but I got a bit tired of it after a while and since I wasn't playing a proper character so decided to ditch the wig and felt all the better for it. In a way, I felt a bit of a fangirl, like this was a proper thing a fangirl would wear to a on rather than just being a costume. It was a nice feeling.

On Sunday, the blue wig returned, luckily, because my purple one has started going bald! Today I went as a Hogwarts schoolgirl from Harry Potter. This was an old costume left over from when a bunch of us dressed as teen Nymphadora Tonks for a party. Bought myself a Hufflepuff headband and a cute necklace to add to it too. This too went down well and I got a lot of good comments simply for the effort.

Luckily the girl I'm dating, who was also there in crossplay at one point, was OK with it. As for anything outside cosplay, I left it for now although I did bring a denim skirt with me. As I've said before, cosplay is one thing but admitting you dress outside of that is another matter altogether so I've put that on the backburner for now. So, all in all, a fun weekend and quite a boost.  

Summer Party 2

OK, so carrying on from yesterday, the short answer is that I wore the dress.

I wasn't sure if I was going to do it on the day but as time wore on, I shaved my legs and stuffed the dress and some tights in my bag. I wore my normal clothes for most of the day and until I had enough alcohol. The bottom line is that everything was ok. The world is still here.

Most people commented "oh you've changed" and I got some compliments about how nice it was and how I wore it. Only one person asked why I was wearing it. I should add that I never bought a necklace or a bag and only had trainers on (it was fairly informal). One of the younger girls there, about eight years old I think, did say "that boy is dressed as a girl and he mother added, and I will never forget this, "No, that person is dressed as a person." Overall, I really enjoyed myself and at least I know I might be able to do it again.

I had a couple of hours journey ahead of me and I could have changed back but by now I was so confident I just kept the dress on. Didn't matter in the end. No-one said anything although that may have been due to the time of night. So cool as well. I think in the end you just have to walk with confidence.

So yes, that was my weekend and one I doubt I will forget in a long time.

Summer Party

So, over the last month or so I've been thinking about wearing a dress to my friends' wedding vow renewal. This also meant possibly getting new shoes, handbag and I was considering a necklace.

Now, I know that my friends will be cool with it but there was someone else going to be there ironically someone I've known a lot longer and who has seen me do crossplay but then this is different. This is full on admitting I crossdress. It's an odd problem I've found that sometimes a stranger or acquaintance is easier to open up to than someone I've known for a number of years. To say that I'm worried about ever telling my parents goes without saying (and I doubt I ever will, to be honest) but what about my best friend of 20+ years? I don't want to make things difficult and although I think he would be cool with it, something like this does change a relationship. 

Talking of relationships, I may have a new one on the horizon. A friend set me up with a friend of his girlfriend and it's only been one sort-of date but we've been talking and we should hopefully be going out sometime next week. To be honest, she's one of the brighter spots in my life recently with the possibility of redundancies looming at work this week. It's too early to know whether she will be cool with this, although we did have a short conversation about drag queens, but it's still a bit early for discussions like this and to have me in a dress tagged and plastered over social media and the inevitable explanation to my parents. 

So, I pretty much decided not to do it and to make my peace with myself over it...until I had drinks with a friend a few days ago and through circumstances I ended up talking about all this. I'm not sure I've ever opened up about this in such a way before or even openly admitted it. Wasn't even all that drunk either which is a little worrying. She was encouraging me to do it, even saying I could bring the dress with me and change in her room if I wanted. This got me thinking about it again and whether I should go ahead. 

The party was yesterday...and I'll leave it there for now.  

Shorts and Dress

I forgot to mention a couple of other pieces of clothing I bought recently, namely a pair of leggings (first time I've bought a par) and a pair of flippy shorts. Really like the shorts, wearing them right now in fact and I might continue throughout the summer.

Anyway, I have an event coming up fairly soon. I have some friends renewing their wedding vows and I'm considering wearing my new black dress. Rather excited by the thought actually. So should I just wear it or go full girlie with wigs and make-up and stuff? I think I'll have to wear tights with it and buy some appropriate shoes plus a handbag (no pockets and I need to have money and my phone and stuff near me).

The only trouble is that the dress has no unfortunately got a couple of holes in it due to the intricate embroidery on the top. While it fits well, it's not the easiest to get on and off which is how I think it got torn. In fact I tried it on again today and spent a while trying to take it off without tearing it further. Sounds like a subject for a TG caption doesn't it? Stuck in a dress. Maybe I could try and get it repaired or cover it up with a coat or cardigan or something. Ooh I might need one of those too. Not sure if I'll go through with this but it will be fun to see.

Why?

As I said last time, there was a photo of me up on a social media site for a while and last week was the first time that I saw some of my friends for a drink and most people took the opportunity to ask me about my TARDIS outfit with question being why the hell I did it. I don't really have an answer beyond "because I thought it would be cool" or just a shrug of my shoulders and nobody pressed me on the issue. I doubt I would ever admit the truth, can't really hear the words coming out of my mouth.

I was asked if I would wear the outfit to another gathering later in the month and I admit I did consider it but first of all I would be a bit wary walking through the town up to the station dressed like that never mind central London. Of course, it does sound quite tempting to me and it might depend on the future circumstances but not this time around. As nice as my friends are, I would just be made fun of all night and the regular jokes would be trotted out (although I have had some compliments about my legs). Although I'm always looking for excuses (I would love to wear a skirt suit to work one day perhaps under the banner of 'for charity') to dress, I don't want it to be like this.

Nine Worlds 2015

I went to the Nine Worlds convention a couple of weeks ago and had a really positive experience.

Now, I wasn't sure if I was going to do any cosplay at all there. As I said a few months again, I was going to get a Star Trek dress from a friend of mine which unfortunately fell through as she couldn't go any more plus time constraints and I needed to get some boots too. I did have a TARDIS themed cosplay ready for the other convention that fell through though (still waiting to hear about that) so I still chucked it in my bag along with some other stuff just in case.

This convention is extremely welcoming to all types of people and, as I said last year, there were quite a few crossdressers there and even more so this year. This wasn't restricted to cosplay though as come the Saturday afternoon and evening I would see more guys in geeky dresses, leggings, playsuits, tops and skirts and nobody batting much of an eyelid about it. This made me think a lot about my own situation and whether I should do anything about it since I had some clothes with me. I used to think that even if the societal rules did change within my lifetime then I wouldn't be of much use to take advantage of them but as I looked around me that evening I realised that the world was already changing and maybe I hadn't missed the boat after all. Plus, change doesn't just happen overnight; it needs people standing up for themselves and living how they want to in order to make other take notice. We are only here for a short time so you might as well make the most of life while you can and live it how you want. Trouble is, that's easy to say, even easier to type, but not so much when you get the fear and paranoia creeping in. Conventions are one thing but walking through some towns at midnight or getting caught on a bus with a bunch of yobs is another. Sometimes you have to take those knocks though. Oddly enough, this is one area that doesn't affect me that much. I can be overly sensitive about a lot of things but my crossdressing I've always been able to front out perhaps because I'm prepared for it. I know that I'm putting myself in harm's way and I know why I want to. Because fuck it, that's why.

So anyway, come the Sunday and I had all this swimming around my head. I knew I wanted to do something but what? I began to think that cosplaying would still be hiding it a way. Maybe I should just wear the skirt and some tights, come out properly. In the end I went with the cosplay and my TARDIS costume (t-shirt, blue skirt, blue tights, blue Chucks and a blue wig. No make-up though) after a quick shave of my legs. Now, a lot of my friends have seen my previous costumes but there were a few there that hadn't and it was their reaction that I was dreading most of all and the reason why I hadn't done it earlier. Their reaction was the the usual "what the fuck?" but very positive...and my photo went up online which is something I genuinely hadn't counted on. I should have expected it but for some reason it didn't occur to me. I now wish I had the guts to do it on the Saturday which was the busier day of the two. I had some really positive comments from others and even had a long discussion with someone about my outfit.

It did give me an overwhelming confidence boost though and I was very much at ease walking around the convention dressed how I was. Not overly fond of the wig though but that can always be changed for another time. Maybe I should go all decora girl and put a lot of Who themed hair clips and bows and stuff in it. I even had a brief fantasy of a girl putting my long blue hair in pigtails. As I went back to my room to change for the night, I even had cause to go to reception still clad in my costume to complain about the fact my keycard didn't work. Took the wig off though but regretted it as it got caught in the zip of my bag. That's another thing as well, I'm considering maybe getting a smaller TARDIS themed bag. Maybe a key to put around my neck as well. Not sure how many more times I'll use the same costume though as I'm always looking to do other things but it was fun.

I fretted so much about my costumes for this convention because I didn't want to squander the chance I had and ended up forgetting about the other good stuff: the talks, panels, entertainment and just having a drink and a laugh with friends but as I said earlier, it had given me renewed confidence and vigor for continuing to crossdress. Maybe one year I won't need a costume or character to hide behind.



 

Trekkie Girl #3

Hello there, yes it's another new post from me tonight. I was going to include this as part of the last one but I wanted to write two separate parts rather than gel them together in a 'My Week' sort of a thing plus this is linked to something I was writing about last week which has gained a bit of momentum.

I am still thinking about it at this stage but I saw a female friend of mine at the weekend (not the one I mentioned in the first post, I may add) and thought I would mention my Star Trek dress idea to her, knowing that she normally likes it when I do this sort of thing. I have gained a certain reputation over the years going back to an incident I haven't spoken about on here yet. No-one has ever asked me outright about this which is nice but it can go two ways in that I do feel a bit put out if people just assume that I (a) will be dressing up when we have a party or are around cosplay and (b) that I will be crossdressing. I don't know, something about the assumption and my slight rebellious streak that doesn't like people thinking they've got me figured out. Sometimes it does work for the better though as some of the girls have been supportive. Of course there are the usual jokes which do get my dander up a bit but then I'm not even the biggest crossdresser in our group.

So anyway on with the story and she, as a big Trek fan, has offered to lend me her blue dress and possibly a bag to match!  I do remember this dress from a con a few years ago too. This has made me a little excited and I guess it adds a little something to it that it's someone else's clothing too. A bit like a TG caption story in the making. I have tights although a new pair may be required so all I need now is those black boots.

Might even have to make an effort to watch the show now...

Schoolgirl

I enjoyed writing yesterdays blog on fantasies so today my mind wanders back to my schooldays and I wonder what I would have been like as a schoolgirl. I'm talking senior school, or high school, age by the way.

I reckon it would probably have been much the same, fat and geeky, perhaps with a long skirt, jumper, buttoned up shirt and tie. I know we all wonder what it would be like to go back to our teenage years and what we would do differently now. Maybe finally stand up to that bully, study harder and ace every test or just ease off a little and enjoy your freedom more but what would it be like as a different gender. That one change alone puts you in with a different group of people and even though you may essentially be the same person, your surroundings and what is expected of you differ.

I always remember my year got three new students at the beginning of one year. The girls flocked around the only girl there, the guys were talking to the thin, athletic dude and then there was this other guy sitting in the corner. I went over and talked to him and he became one of my best friends for many years. We still keep in contact, by the way, but don't see each other as much as we used to. Oddly enough it was him who introduced me to the gang of friends I hung around with for the rest of my time there, people who had been in my year for the last two or three years.

Perhaps I would like to think I would be more outgoing as a girl but I would probably be the same same shy geek although I would have different friends. Some may have been the same as me but who knows I may have fallen in with the more popular girls who would teach me about make-up and wearing my skirt short. Maybe I would have had a bigger gang of friends and done more things. Sounds a bit like Mean Girls but you never know what might have happened. Of course we had people who were more popular than others, held in higher respect, but it wasn't like a clique or anything. Perhaps I've just watched too much American TV but that's probably a stereotypical view of high school. Never had cheerleaders and I doubt I would have tried out anyway but I did kind of covert the girls sports skirts and tops. They used to play a lot of netball at my school. I used to steal my sister's school skirt when she was otherwise occupied and dress up.

I used to have an odd little fantasy as well. I used to imagine I was I woke up in an alternate universe (but I was aware of it) and was now the equivalent of one of the more popular girls, who I remember used to have a great dress sense. In fact I chronicled it in a caption. The below cap was made for Rachel's Haven caption competition in March 2011 which had 'Everything is Wrong Day' as its topic. The picture is a promo from the 2009 film Tormented 

The New Lisa (2011)

Another fantasy I had was for one of the girls to teach me how to be like her. How to dress, do make-up, behave in class, what to put in my bag etc.I would love to write this up as a story one day and its been a constant fantasy through my life for a woman (she could be a goth, chav, bimbo etc) to teach me how to be like her, personality quirks and all.

Maybe my fantasies owe more to my school days than I first thought.