July Update

Well, it's been quite a few weeks since I last posted and July's been a month that's gone by quite quickly. Bought some new clothes and even nearly gave the whole thing up.

Firstly, I went to a birthday drinks thing for a friend of mine and it's the first time I've dressed in public for quite a while. These days I do on most nights if I can and feel like it whether it's just putting on a dress and some leggings or maybe swapping out jeans for a skirt. Anyway, I was wearing a black dress with hearts on, tights and boots. As the night wore on I did begin to get really self conscious about it because sometimes no matter how great everyone is, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I'll never be like the girls in their pretty dresses on the dance floor and at that time I wish I hadn't bothered and just dressed like one of the guys. Of course, I realise that those wishes are not the same. While I may covert, say, a nice blue dress and black heels, I don't really wish to be dressed as the guys say in a red shirt, jeans and shoes. Nothing about the actual outfit, it's just a vote for conformity and a wish itself to blend back into the background and be 'normal'.

It didn't help that once I got home, after having had enough to drink, I fell down the stairs. Now, this isn't as bad as it sounds. It was only a few stairs but still left me injured enough to make sitting down for the next couple of weeks a bit hard plus i was going on holiday for a few days. There and then I wasn't sure if I would dress again. I've heard of a few people taking the 'scorch the earth' approach and getting rid of everything to do with their fantasies: clothes, captions, wigs, the lot. In the back of my mind I never truly thought I would take this approach but I was thinking about it quite a lot.

Once I got back I purchased a new dress, a Hell Bunny Land Girl dress. I've been wanting something Hell Bunny for a while now and a friend recommended this to me at the birthday drinks and said they thought it would suit me. I also bought some tights with seams up the back to compliment it although you can barely see it because of the length of the dress ( a bit too long for me actually). I also bought some black shoes (flats) which I've now worn twice and seem both too big and too small at the same time.

Last week I headed up north to another birthday party wearing the dress. While I felt better this time because I had a lot of friends around me, a bout of stomach ache early on in the evening caused me to sit by myself and internalise a bit. Going to the toilet has been a nervy experience in the past and someone did remark on me but to be honest I'm not sure how malicious it was as I was halfway out the door plus it was a pub and you have to expect drunken comments. Not one of my friends either. Just because people don't understand, it doesn't mean you are going to get set upon at every turn. I didn't end up travelling in the dress that time (I had a hotel room) but it was nice to do.

And so to earlier this week. Rarely will I change out of my work clothes to go out for drinks with friends mainly because I can't be arsed lugging around extra clothes and shoes however this time I needed a larger bag because the zip on my usual one had just broke. I had a book group to attend later that night so I considered changing. I took the clothes and was thinking about it all day. At the end of the day I headed to a nearby station, downed a half pint of liquid courage and headed to the toilets to change. It was quite a walk but worth it. The night went wonderfully. I wore my black Wednesday Addams dress with black tights and the flats. Some said it was very pretty and that I looked nice. Very uplifting so I will definitely see if I can do that again. Partly I was having the fantasy that I had just come from work dressed like that and I started to wonder what I would wear if I was allowed to.