Check-Up #37

Yes, 37 in a row (little Clerks reference there). See, I can get blogs out before the end of the month. I have got another I want to do about some stuff I've been watching but I wanted to get this one done while I still think of it.  

I went to a convention today and I was just thinking about the amount of prep I did for it for, well, not much really. Today I was Belinda Chandra, the latest Doctor Who companion, from the 1950s set episode Lux in which she wears a very nice yellow dress (please see below picture). The dress itself was good although the one thing wrong with it was that it was very generous in the chest department and despite the ravages of middle age, I really don't have much of, if at all, boobage. I tried pinning it back and I suppose the only other solution would be to wear falsies but I'd never done that before and can't be bothered to be honest. The dress is also backless which meant I would be showing more skin than usual so I got up early and did as much shaving as I could do. This is despite the fact that I bought a white cardigan to cover my shoulders. So I needn't have done so much shaving but part of me thought I might do a photo at some point although I would also say that perhaps not even the sudden heat death of the universe would have been warm enough to make me take the cardie off. Welcome to gender dysphoria. 

The Doctor (Ncuti Gatwa) and Belinda Chandra (Varada Sethu)
take in a movie in Lux

The flip side of this though is when I tried the costume on all at once including the white shoes (which I had originally bought for Cher Horowitz) and I just felt so good. My hair is a bit longer and fluffier at the moment so that helped. Again only the lack of boobage let me down today. It was one of those moments when I remembered the feeling that made me want to do this over and over again. I felt so pretty in that moment. After a few arguments in the office at work recently when trans issues have come up it was a reminder of why I still like to do this. It also reminds me that I really should speak up more. 

So why did I do it? Basically to walk around a lot of stalls for 2 hours. Literally 2 hours. I changed clothes in a a small tent (luckily no-one else wanted to use it) and had some overpriced food so why bother? I felt wonderful walking around though. I carried myself a little differently and felt a bit like a proper lady as my heels clacked on the bare floor. The same heels that my feet are now recovering from. I had some nice comments and someone even asked for a photo which was nice. I've also just realised that this is a growing trend of companion period costumes I have (see also Rose Tyler's 1953 dress from The Idiot's Lantern and Ruby Sunday's mod dress from The Devil's Chord). This one I bought specifically because Varada Sethu, who plays Belinda, was at the convention.  

Elsewhere I also went to Birmingham for a talk. Despite travel issues I managed to get there ok but I needed to catch a cab which is how I ended up standing outside a rock pub wearing a t-shirt and red maxi skirt, trying to hide next to a mural. I was expecting a text or call from the driver as he drew near but this didn't stop the paranoia kicking in and me dashing across the road to ask a couple of taxi drivers if they were here for me which prompted one pub patron to shout "What are you doing?" at me. I almost had my face in my hands screaming "I don't know!" (please note I took this a more lightly than it sounds like I did. It's almost sitcom like). As I got in my cab I was treated to a rousing chorus inviting me to either get my tits or my dicks (plural?) out for the lads (still not sure which one it was). Charming. 

Apart from breaking a bracelet this weekend while trying it on in a store, that's about it. I will say though that I am taking the chance to dress more often while going out which does mean lugging a bag of clothes into work but I have found a nice secluded space to change. I will just leave you with a couple of stories I'm following at the moment:

Fake It Until You Make It by tithug - Another tale on The Changing Mirror, this is a fun, ongoing bimbofication story about a snooty literature graduate being taught how to 'fit in' at her new job at a local salon. 

The Underwear Situation by Lost Mind - not quite sure where this is going but it's an interesting mind control tale as Tom's roommate Rebekka tries to change his mind about her - and her underwear. 

Check-Up #20

So what have I been doing recently? 

Not much really. I haven't bought anything new clothes wise apart from a necklace with a large silver heart on it but I have had some opportunities to dress recently as I've had some time working from home. I've also found that shaving most of my body hair has helped with my mood as I've often looked down at my various hairy limbs and despaired somewhat. I always pledge to shave more often but I rarely do plus you do get those horrible stubby hairs that you can never entirely get rid of. Maybe I ought to try waxing or go somewhere professional to try and get it done properly. 

Speaking of work (and I know I may be sounding like a broken record here) but we have a staff event coming up that is partially going to be on a boat. So do I dress? I've thought about it and the various dresses I could wear for it but I fear the confidence may leave me unless my old friend alcohol becomes involved as it has whenever I took a big step in my dressing. I haven't decided whether I will do yet but I still have a few more weeks to think about it. If I don't I know I will be miserable for most of the night but if I do it may be one of my more nerve-wracking nights and I've had quite a few but it's different this time as I won't have any of my friends around me. I expect it's one of those times when I just have to get over the initial awkwardness and questions and it will be fine. Funnily enough also in July I have a friend's wedding coming up in which I have no qualms about dressing for but I'm torn between wearing a suit, at least for the ceremony, or buying a new dress. Well, I probably have something I could wear anyway if I didn't get something new. That should be fun anyway. 

I finished watching Sex Education and I would recommend it and it has some wonderful LGBTQ+ representation. I certainly wish I had something like this when I was younger. Everything I learned about sex I had to pick up myself as neither school nor my parents taught me anything. I doubt it would have made much difference as I still would have been a shy child but you never know. 

I've started to do more captions for the Haven again too and I'm still enjoying producing work over on Twitter so it's a surprisingly creative time for me. 

Check-Up #13

 I had meant to post something earlier but I've not been doing an awful lot recently.

I've bought a new (well, second hand) skirt which has a blue and grey checked pattern. I've not worn it yet as it's more of an autumn/winter wear and it's been really hot here recently. As always with the hot weather though I feel a little trapped between wanting to wear cooler clothes and the amount of hair I have which just disgusts me at times. No matter how much I shave there always seems to be stubble there so I don't seem to be able to get rid of it completely plus I do enjoy wearing tights over having bare legs as I think it looks better. Maybe this is the time for longer skirts although not today as it's quite grey at the moment. I also bought a quite cute Harley Quinn t-shirt. 

Cosplay is something that continues to be on my mind, not that I have plans to go to any conventions at the moment and in fact I'm not even sure if any have started up again. I do wonder whether eschewing wigs and make-up in the future might be the best for me although I do feel that they do lend themselves better to some characters like Amy Pond with her gorgeous red hair, Cher Horowitz with her long blonde hair and of course Harley Quinn with her pigtails and white make-up which brings so much to the character I couldn't imagine doing her without it. I am thinking though that maybe it's my five o'clock shadow that's causing me the most grief so if I find a way to cover it up that may be half the battle. I expect all I would need to learn is a few tips on concealing it and it would probably be easy to do in fact I don't know why I put off just sitting down and learning about this stuff. I think my interests lie more in the clothes themselves than any other part of my appearance.  I guess they are the main thing for me. 

Sorry I haven't got more to add at this time but hopefully more soon. 

Check-Up #7

Things seem to be a little brighter this week.

The sun is out, the weather is getting warmer and more people are going back to work so things are a bit more crowded again. I still can't help but yearn for normality like a lot of people but that's probably still many months away, maybe even a year or so. Summer means I start becoming obsessed with the amount of hair on my body and feeling very down because of it. I don't think I suit summer clothes. I'm more an autumn/winter person. I can wrap up warm and cover myself in jumpers, long coats and tights when I wear dresses and skirts. Summer puts me all out there for everyone although there is something about feeling the material of a dress or skirt against your body and I do have some passable summer clothes which I added to today.

Yes, I have bought a nice new dress which is ankle length and has a floral pattern in black and white. Although I got it in a sale it was still a size bigger than I normally buy however that size does sometimes fit me better depending on the garmant. No changing rooms though to try it on and because I paid at a different checkout the alarm went off so I had to sheepishly show the security guard my receipt. It still feels a little big but otherwise I'm pleased with it. I'm still trying to resist temptation to buy some other bits and pieces, including whole cosplay outfits, that I have my eye on though.

Check-Up #6

As has now become traditional for these posts, I've not really got a lot to say about continuing life in lockdown other than that things keep rolling on as they have before.

One thing I've been doing a little of is trying to get used to wearing heels. I've got a couple of heeled boots that I've been meaning to wear more but I shirk away from them a bit as I'm wary of not being able to walk without tripping over. As I've been walking everyday I've started wearing them a bit more and I feel more confident now. Whether or not I'll move on to proper high heeled shoes, I don't know yet, but it would be inteesting to try. Summer has hit as well and the weather is getting hotter. I'm not a big fan of it and I think I've explained before my issues with body hair and going bare legged even though when I do it does feel really good. Bare legs make me feel a little more nervous when going out, perhaps because I can hide behind tights and, if cold enough, a big coat but there's nowhere to hide with summer.

This year I have had a thought though that perhaps I need more long summer dresses rather than my usual short skirts and knee length dresses. I was looking at some earlier in the week in one of the supermarkets although the other problem now is that changing rooms are closed off due to social distancing so it's a case of hoping that your size will defiinitely fit or trying it on in the middle of the shop and I'm not that bold plus that's probably against health guidelines now.

Stay safe everyone.

Pink Library #10 Princess to Orc TF

I found this story recently and although its themes are not normally what I would go for, I really found it interesting.

Princess to Orc TF by Quantativeeasing

It's a F2F tale about a snobby elven princess who slowly gets changed into a slobby and smelly orc who eventually delights in her own BO and new position in life. There have been a couple like it recently that I've latched onto where we find the heroine start living like a slob, not shaving and enjoying her own BO so if you like those themes then give this a go. Perhaps as feminisation chimes with me masculinisation in this context does too. I may share more at some point.

May Update

Wow! Three months just flies by doesn't it?

Ok, I honestly didn't mean to leave it that long before I posted but, truth be told, ever since I've been dressing and going out dressed more regularly it's not a big thing anymore to chronicle every little step I make or everything new I buy. Funnily enough, I do seem to be buying things once a week now. This is not to say that there is, um, nothing left to say. I still feel myself wanting to post on various topics and life in general as I still feel that there is plenty left to say. This isn't over for me by any means and I still feel that this is a journey. I'm still experimenting with looks and myself in general.

I can't recall actually going out dressed in the last few months but I have spent the odd day dressed (when I have a day off) rather than on the weekends or in the evenings when I come home from work. I'm still using it as a bit of a crutch; a way of escaping the day. So anyway, new clothes bought include a black and grey striped dress (which I love), black mini skirt (for cosplay), green and black polka-dotted top with Peter Pan collar, plain white top, purple top with flowers embroidered on and plaid mini skirt. The latter I was unsure of because its not exactly me and a bit chavvy/poor little rich girl although those are both looks I like. I discarded another dress for much the same reason. I still have a problem with dressing rooms although a few weeks ago, bold as brass, I took two dresses into one. Then again yesterday I felt a bit self conscious while out in Camden market and to be honest if there's any place which is likely to be cool with all types of people, it's Camden. Not been down there in many years though and I've always felt like I wasn't alternative enough for it which is a bit silly, I know.

Cosplay wise, I've had a bit of a boost recently as I may be getting some clothes made for me by a seamstress which will be nice because I've not been feeling that good about it since the end of last year. I have been meaning to elaborate on this further though. I've also been meaning to do a few more reviews of TG related film and TV including getting back to the Quantum Leap reviews.

Another thought: how come wearing shorts I don't mind having hairy legs but I feel the need to shave while wearing a skirt or dress. Is it just the aesthetic aspect? Shaving is probably for the best though.

After a Week

So, it's been a weird week.

After what happened last weekend, I just kept throwing it all over in my mind, trying to work things out. For example, why I felt so bad this time rather than a couple of months ago. I think at that time it was a nice sunny day in a small area and I had gotten used to the situation, the people and general vibe (plus had drunk quite a bit) whereas last week it was raining and I had a lot more angst since I had to travel and wasn't sure how I would be received even though I was among friends. I still felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and in most of the photos I look miserable. I guess it was still a positive experience all told though and it would be easier if I tried it again.

I keep thinking about the girl I'm seeing at the moment. I think she may be ok with it but there's a world of difference between crossplay and dressing. Time was I could have left it but now it may be harder to put the genie back in the bottle. Apologies if I'm repeating myself.

On something newer though, I painted my nails for the first time today. Seems a bit strange looking down and seeing them painted but overall I like it. I think body shaving, certainly my arms, is the next step. Looking down and seeing a hairy arm doesn't do you much favours when trying to go girly.

Nine Worlds 2015

I went to the Nine Worlds convention a couple of weeks ago and had a really positive experience.

Now, I wasn't sure if I was going to do any cosplay at all there. As I said a few months again, I was going to get a Star Trek dress from a friend of mine which unfortunately fell through as she couldn't go any more plus time constraints and I needed to get some boots too. I did have a TARDIS themed cosplay ready for the other convention that fell through though (still waiting to hear about that) so I still chucked it in my bag along with some other stuff just in case.

This convention is extremely welcoming to all types of people and, as I said last year, there were quite a few crossdressers there and even more so this year. This wasn't restricted to cosplay though as come the Saturday afternoon and evening I would see more guys in geeky dresses, leggings, playsuits, tops and skirts and nobody batting much of an eyelid about it. This made me think a lot about my own situation and whether I should do anything about it since I had some clothes with me. I used to think that even if the societal rules did change within my lifetime then I wouldn't be of much use to take advantage of them but as I looked around me that evening I realised that the world was already changing and maybe I hadn't missed the boat after all. Plus, change doesn't just happen overnight; it needs people standing up for themselves and living how they want to in order to make other take notice. We are only here for a short time so you might as well make the most of life while you can and live it how you want. Trouble is, that's easy to say, even easier to type, but not so much when you get the fear and paranoia creeping in. Conventions are one thing but walking through some towns at midnight or getting caught on a bus with a bunch of yobs is another. Sometimes you have to take those knocks though. Oddly enough, this is one area that doesn't affect me that much. I can be overly sensitive about a lot of things but my crossdressing I've always been able to front out perhaps because I'm prepared for it. I know that I'm putting myself in harm's way and I know why I want to. Because fuck it, that's why.

So anyway, come the Sunday and I had all this swimming around my head. I knew I wanted to do something but what? I began to think that cosplaying would still be hiding it a way. Maybe I should just wear the skirt and some tights, come out properly. In the end I went with the cosplay and my TARDIS costume (t-shirt, blue skirt, blue tights, blue Chucks and a blue wig. No make-up though) after a quick shave of my legs. Now, a lot of my friends have seen my previous costumes but there were a few there that hadn't and it was their reaction that I was dreading most of all and the reason why I hadn't done it earlier. Their reaction was the the usual "what the fuck?" but very positive...and my photo went up online which is something I genuinely hadn't counted on. I should have expected it but for some reason it didn't occur to me. I now wish I had the guts to do it on the Saturday which was the busier day of the two. I had some really positive comments from others and even had a long discussion with someone about my outfit.

It did give me an overwhelming confidence boost though and I was very much at ease walking around the convention dressed how I was. Not overly fond of the wig though but that can always be changed for another time. Maybe I should go all decora girl and put a lot of Who themed hair clips and bows and stuff in it. I even had a brief fantasy of a girl putting my long blue hair in pigtails. As I went back to my room to change for the night, I even had cause to go to reception still clad in my costume to complain about the fact my keycard didn't work. Took the wig off though but regretted it as it got caught in the zip of my bag. That's another thing as well, I'm considering maybe getting a smaller TARDIS themed bag. Maybe a key to put around my neck as well. Not sure how many more times I'll use the same costume though as I'm always looking to do other things but it was fun.

I fretted so much about my costumes for this convention because I didn't want to squander the chance I had and ended up forgetting about the other good stuff: the talks, panels, entertainment and just having a drink and a laugh with friends but as I said earlier, it had given me renewed confidence and vigor for continuing to crossdress. Maybe one year I won't need a costume or character to hide behind.



 

Harry Potter Cosplay #2

Well, overall my weekend was full of ups and downs but despite initial nervousness I loved dressing up again. 

My weekend didn't get off to a good start really. This time I decided to try shaving my legs again. Now, I normally use an electric razor for all my shaving needs because I'm the type of person that would doubtless end up hacking chunks out of my face if I used the traditional kind. The electric razor does take a while now (not that it's a proper Ladyshave or something like that) so I decided to give the traditional kind a shot to see if it would do a better job. I ended up cutting my thumb while trying to clean some hairs from it and at the time it looked quite bad but after a few days it cleared up and I'm left with a tiny scratch now. Luckily my lift arrived and verified that it didn't warrant a visit to the hospital. All through the journey I was wondering why one side of my body seemed colder than the rest then I realised that it was because I had one leg shaved. 

I did the other one a day or so later. My costume didn't change apart from adding a couple of bracelets and swapping my black shoes for my trainers but I did feel comfortable in it perhaps due to the combination of my usual clothes and the new stuff. I got a lot of compliments though especially with my star tights so at least that's all good. At least I wasn't the only person doing that costume so I felt less nervous than usual. 

I think that's all I would like really, the freedom to wear a skirt and tights or a dress if I wished. I'm happy with my body though and doubt I would want to go as far as a wig, breastforms and make-up. I'm a lazy bitch and doubt I could keep up that level of maintenance anyway.