Christmas 2020

We all knew this year would be a bit different in terms of Christmas but thanks to new Government announcements about the tier system here in the UK, it looks like I may not see my family at all and so I'll be stuck on my own without even my housemate for company as he's since left (well, still in the process really). I knew that sooner or later the dark day would come when I would spend the festivities by myself but I never thought it would come this soon. It's one day of the year I really look forward too and I don't know what it will do to my mental health but at least it looks like I'll have some time off work which is always nice. 

Anyway, enough doom and gloom and onto things of a more frilly nature. Recently I have bought a couple of new things. Another Clara dress (red and black with a black collar) I really wanted (despite the fact I probably have enough already) and a pair of blue ankle boots. I still need a replacement pair of black ankle boots and I would really love a pair of white ones and possible a pair of white knee high boots as well to fully go for that 1960s look. Now all I need is a place to wear them and it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon due to the pandemic and unfortunately since the cold weather started I've been dressing for work less and less.  

One further thing I would recommend is Sarah Keyworth's short radio series Are You a Boy or a Girl which explores her own gender fluidity and sexuality. There are four episodes, about 15 minutes each, and I really enjoyed it. The series can be found here (apologies if this may not be available in all regions): Sarah Keyworth: Are You A Boy or A Girl?

Still, there's a new Doctor Who special coming up and both UK and US versions of Drag Race are coming back in January. From looking at the intro videos online, long pointy nails seem to be in this year. 

So anyway, I'll wish everyone out there a merry Christmas for the coming week and I'll leave you with a caption. This was created for my 25 Caps of Christmas thread on Rachel's Haven back in 2016 using an old Christmas card. 

One of the Family (2016)

Breaking Free: Part Two

Here is the second part of my Breaking Free story which I wrote as part of the writing challenge on Rachel's Haven. The theme was 'Sun Down'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t think I’ve ever properly seen the sunset. I mean, I guess I could have caught it if I had wanted to but it’s not an easy thing to catch. I imagine if you intend to catch sundown then you’re either too early or too late. Once I finish college for the day most times I just slump in front of the TV so I miss the sunset and by the time the thought enters my mind, it’s pitch black outside.

It’s not like that with Lucy. She’s one of those people who likes to run barefoot through fields of grass no matter the weather and insists on dragging me out into nature to see things. Tonight though I’ve brought her down to my level, well almost, we did intend watching something on Netflix but we never got out of the pub. It’s the most beautiful, and hot, summer's night and I’m sitting on a vaguely damp bench outside The Kings Head watching the sun slowly sink into the distance. I finally caught it. A cool breeze wafts through the beer garden and whips up my dress a little. I shift my body, padding my dress down lest anyone should see, and feeling the heels of my shoes dig into the ground a little reminding me that I’ll have to walk home in them. It was my own fault for wanting to try heels and I’m determined to master it – until I fall and break my ankle at least. I raise a hand to wipe my hair from my eyes and tuck it behind my ears as my bracelets jangle on my arms and my bright red nails shine in the dimming light. It’s hard not to feel self conscious as I sit here alone with only two other patrons for company although they’re more interested in each other than they are in me. At least I hope. After dressing like this on and off for a few months you wait for the inevitable moment when they turn to you and start asking questions.

And then my fear goes just that because she’s back. Lucy comes through the back door unsteadily carrying a tray of drinks for us both. She smiles at me and I smirk back and once again it feels like we are the only two people in that garden. Lucy’s wearing the same black dress as I am but carrying it off a lot better. She’s wearing it as it’s meant to be worn, as it’s meant to look on a woman and not a misshapen lump like me. If I said that out loud she would scold me for it. This was her idea though, in fact we bought the dresses together in Next. Ever since that night Lucy has encouraged me to dress more and far from switching clothes she finds it quite amusing for us to wear the same outfits. It’s certainly perked the interest of some of the photography students we know.

Lucy put the tray down, spilling some of my beer onto it in the process. I laughed slightly but I knew that my turn would be next and that these heels would not make it easy but at least we’re wearing the same thing so it’s a level playing field which is more than can be said for the garden which has more varied surfaces than Crystal Maze zones. The crazy paving alone looks like it will be my downfall. Lucy asks me why I was looking into the sky. “The truth is out there” I tell her and receive a playful slap on my arm. Then I told her that I think I had just seen my first sunset. “Rubbish!” she replied. “What about our weekend at Beckfest or the prom last month or when we all had to walk back three hours from Stanford?” “Yes, ok, Miss Memory” I replied “maybe I could be wrong and it wasn’t the first. It’s certainly the best though,” I smiled back, contented, and no longer confined.

Check-Up #6

As has now become traditional for these posts, I've not really got a lot to say about continuing life in lockdown other than that things keep rolling on as they have before.

One thing I've been doing a little of is trying to get used to wearing heels. I've got a couple of heeled boots that I've been meaning to wear more but I shirk away from them a bit as I'm wary of not being able to walk without tripping over. As I've been walking everyday I've started wearing them a bit more and I feel more confident now. Whether or not I'll move on to proper high heeled shoes, I don't know yet, but it would be inteesting to try. Summer has hit as well and the weather is getting hotter. I'm not a big fan of it and I think I've explained before my issues with body hair and going bare legged even though when I do it does feel really good. Bare legs make me feel a little more nervous when going out, perhaps because I can hide behind tights and, if cold enough, a big coat but there's nowhere to hide with summer.

This year I have had a thought though that perhaps I need more long summer dresses rather than my usual short skirts and knee length dresses. I was looking at some earlier in the week in one of the supermarkets although the other problem now is that changing rooms are closed off due to social distancing so it's a case of hoping that your size will defiinitely fit or trying it on in the middle of the shop and I'm not that bold plus that's probably against health guidelines now.

Stay safe everyone.

The Shopping Forecast

Here's a mini-update things that may turn into a rant.

I've been getting really frustrated recently with myself for not going out dressed more. It's like I see women in the street now and feel more jealous than I usually do. Sometimes just opening the door is a big step for me and for a while I've wanted to do my Saturday shopping dressed. Part of it I think is because this area is so familiar to me and with London I can keep moving and get lost in a crowd plus there's also the fact that most of my clothes have come from the charity shops round here. I do suffer from chronic indecision and this time my fears got the better of me and I didn't today. In case you were wondering, it was going to be a denim miniskirt (which I'm wearing now) but I do have bright red nails at the moment so a bit of it was there. Nearly went out dressed to a quiz the other week but the dread words 'replacement bus service' made me decide against it. I can just about do the train but not that. Not that I mean all buses but any travel issue will send me reeling.

Only bought a shirt today. A male shirt.  I know, I'm disgusted with myself too.

I'm still looking to buy some new shoes but can't seem to find anything I like. Shoes have never really been a thing for me as I wear trainers a lot but I think in some situations it calls for something a bit smarter just to fit the feminine aesthetic. This is also the reason why I tried to shave off my body hair last week. Now, I did see a nice pair today, shiny black and with chunky heels and they did have a bit of a gothy/alt look about them. I saw them in a charity shop before, tried them on and left it to chance. they disappeared the next week but turned up in another shop. I tried them on again and came close to buying them but I left it to chance again as I'm not sure about the height of the heel. Never worn heels before so of course it felt a bit odd. I'm undecided about them so should they be still there next week I may even get them.

Also nearly bought a jumper from ASDA in the sale which i really liked but it's near the end of the month and while money is not tight I still think I should stop for a bit as I seem to be buying clothes every week. Just last week I bought what I have dubbed 'The Most Impractical Jumper in History' which is green and white striped with bell sleeves and ties on the end. I would still like the other jumper so perhaps if it's still there next week I'll nab it. Oh and I also tried on a pair of light blue boots. Trying now to recall what else I've bought. There was an octopus necklace which looked like a cursed idol from a horror film, a black rose ring and a grey midi pleated skirt. Also, as you know I was looking at mod dresses from Atom Retro and now there's a sale on so...yup back to chronic indecision.

 

May Update

Well, time does fly and it seems I've missed out any sort of entry for April so I'll endeavor to update a bit on this Bank Holiday Monday while I have some time of from a stressful time at work.

I have bought a number of things over the weeks and in fact nary a week goes by without me picking up something new but it still does give me a lot of pleasure looking round all the clothes shops of a Saturday and picking up something. Two things I've bought recently among some new necklaces a ring and some skirts is a lovely red plaid dress with a black pleather collar (a bit worse for wear unfortunately) and some shorts. Now, ever since I started thinking about getting in to CD proper, I've wanted a pair of denim turn up shorts and love the look they give when paired with black tights. They have some fashionable rips in them which is to be honest not a style I like but I can bear it although some people take it up to stupid levels, walking along the street in jeans with such huge rips and tears in you wonder if they had just been attacked by a wild animal. The shorts are a little big for me but otherwise I'm loving them.

I've had my eye on a dress with a Harry Potter theme recently and I've just taken the plunge and ordered it. Vintage clothes are something I've dipped my toe into especially those from around the mid 20th century, I already own a 1940s style Land Girl dress from Hell Bunny and something else I've been thinking about now is a 1960s mod style dress so I've been eyeing up some of the stuff at Atom Retro. Perhaps paired with some Go Go boots too. I do mean to invest in some more shoes as well. I've been looking around but nothings seems to catch my eye.

I continue to dress quite often, usually when I get home from work as a way of reclaiming myself, but sometimes outside which I still hope to do more of. I have considered putting on a dress to go shopping in but although I can brave London, my local area feels a little too much for now.

Speaking of work, I've often had the fantasy of getting up at the normal time, catching the normal train...and then turning right round and catching the next one back. This started years ago back when I was in college and I used to see the bus home leaving just as I arrived. Now I'm wondering how cool it would be to wear a dress just for this little trip (on a day off obviously) and there are obviously thoughts of whether to get breakfast (this is a very important point). So that's a little fantasy of mine to round off.

July Update

Well, it's been quite a few weeks since I last posted and July's been a month that's gone by quite quickly. Bought some new clothes and even nearly gave the whole thing up.

Firstly, I went to a birthday drinks thing for a friend of mine and it's the first time I've dressed in public for quite a while. These days I do on most nights if I can and feel like it whether it's just putting on a dress and some leggings or maybe swapping out jeans for a skirt. Anyway, I was wearing a black dress with hearts on, tights and boots. As the night wore on I did begin to get really self conscious about it because sometimes no matter how great everyone is, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I'll never be like the girls in their pretty dresses on the dance floor and at that time I wish I hadn't bothered and just dressed like one of the guys. Of course, I realise that those wishes are not the same. While I may covert, say, a nice blue dress and black heels, I don't really wish to be dressed as the guys say in a red shirt, jeans and shoes. Nothing about the actual outfit, it's just a vote for conformity and a wish itself to blend back into the background and be 'normal'.

It didn't help that once I got home, after having had enough to drink, I fell down the stairs. Now, this isn't as bad as it sounds. It was only a few stairs but still left me injured enough to make sitting down for the next couple of weeks a bit hard plus i was going on holiday for a few days. There and then I wasn't sure if I would dress again. I've heard of a few people taking the 'scorch the earth' approach and getting rid of everything to do with their fantasies: clothes, captions, wigs, the lot. In the back of my mind I never truly thought I would take this approach but I was thinking about it quite a lot.

Once I got back I purchased a new dress, a Hell Bunny Land Girl dress. I've been wanting something Hell Bunny for a while now and a friend recommended this to me at the birthday drinks and said they thought it would suit me. I also bought some tights with seams up the back to compliment it although you can barely see it because of the length of the dress ( a bit too long for me actually). I also bought some black shoes (flats) which I've now worn twice and seem both too big and too small at the same time.

Last week I headed up north to another birthday party wearing the dress. While I felt better this time because I had a lot of friends around me, a bout of stomach ache early on in the evening caused me to sit by myself and internalise a bit. Going to the toilet has been a nervy experience in the past and someone did remark on me but to be honest I'm not sure how malicious it was as I was halfway out the door plus it was a pub and you have to expect drunken comments. Not one of my friends either. Just because people don't understand, it doesn't mean you are going to get set upon at every turn. I didn't end up travelling in the dress that time (I had a hotel room) but it was nice to do.

And so to earlier this week. Rarely will I change out of my work clothes to go out for drinks with friends mainly because I can't be arsed lugging around extra clothes and shoes however this time I needed a larger bag because the zip on my usual one had just broke. I had a book group to attend later that night so I considered changing. I took the clothes and was thinking about it all day. At the end of the day I headed to a nearby station, downed a half pint of liquid courage and headed to the toilets to change. It was quite a walk but worth it. The night went wonderfully. I wore my black Wednesday Addams dress with black tights and the flats. Some said it was very pretty and that I looked nice. Very uplifting so I will definitely see if I can do that again. Partly I was having the fantasy that I had just come from work dressed like that and I started to wonder what I would wear if I was allowed to.

January Update

Well, it's a been a while since my last update. Nothing major has really happened but it's been an interesting few weeks.

Christmas was the usual family affair, always very enjoyable and relaxing few days. During the break between Christmas and the New Year I went out a couple of times for drinks with friends and even 'dressed' for it. One day I spent a sizable chunk actually getting ready. Bought a new pair of boots. Really nice black with a buckle on the side. The sort you see girls wearing that makes it look like they're just one size too big and look really nice when coupled with a dress and tights. I painted my nails again and although I still enjoy the look, it's getting to be a bit frustrating when it keeps coming off even with a coat of non-chip. Still, everything went fine with no major incidents and I got some nice compliments.

Now, New Year was meant to be a full circle for me as I was due to wear my lovely black dress to my friends' party. I was going to get new shoes and maybe try a bit more make-up proving to myself how far I had come in a year and achieved an ambition I never even knew I had. Alas, though the party was called off due to illness and troublesome facilities so it was a night in with a Marvel movie, various firework displays and Robbie Williams singing for some reason.

I've bought a couple of nice necklaces now as well and ran into a little bit of trouble while looking at belts in a second hand store when one of the assistants informed me that I was looking in womens' section and directed me to the mens'. Now, I could have made a fuss and indeed I've been mentally preparing for this sort of thing but to be honest I didn't see the worth in it and mumbled over to the mens section. She was a nice old lady only trying to help and of the many fights I could potentially face, this is not the hill I want to die on.

I've returned to work which is getting busier and more stressful by the day as I'm struggling to catch up. Last week though I saw my girlfriend and admitted my crossdressing to her and had a nice response. She's a little apprehensive although she admits it's because she really hasn't much experience of it and I'm wondering what the first time she sees me 'dressed' (probably in a few weeks) will be like. She's only the second person I think I've actually told; everyone else got the visual first. She sent me some nice texts the next day too. So that's basically where I am at the moment

Working from Home and Dressing for it

So it turns out I may have the opportunity to do more working from home in the NewYear. Now, despite my moans I don't mind coming into the office and at least it's structure which I'm not sure I could give myself.

However...it would of course give me the opportunity to properly dress for work for once. No slacking here, perhaps a nice skirt suit and tights along with a pair of heels or at the very least shiny black court shoes perhaps with a bow on top. A nice blouse maybe with a pussy bow or a bow tie (quite popular these days). A nice short skirt or long one tightly wrapped around my legs. Immaculate make-up including painted nails with some subtle jewellery. Perhaps a nice dress with Peter Pan collar or perhaps a jumper if I'm feeling casual.

Mmm maybe this won't be so bad after all...

Money or Humiliation

Ok, so I should probably detail a few things that have happened recently.

1. I saw a lovely pair of shorts the other week (there may have been some fantasizing) so today I took the opportunity to try them on in the store. Top tip if you're planning on trying them on in store: take a few pieces (depending on what the store allows) of male clothing around with you to hide your real purchase. I grabbed a t-shirt and did this and then the unthinkable happened - I actually bought the t-shirt. I know, I must be sick in the head (in my defence, it did have a snow Dalek on the front). Unfortunately, the shorts were a bit too big for me (I'm actually surprised I seem to have gone down a size) and, bizarrely, I would have liked them to have been a bit shorter. Did feel a bit embarrassed though when the shop assistant asked if I wanted them put back after I failed to put them on the return rack. I mumbled 'yes' and walked away sheepishly. 

2. As you know, I've had some thoughts about telling my parents and I haven't done so in so many words yet but last week my mum did some repair work on a dress for me. I kind of covered this by making some cosplay excuse although she has been asking why I keep dressing up like a girl. I still have another dress I need some sewing done on so I may ask her again. Now I could just go to a shop in town and ask them and it would be a fraction less uncomfortable. It just goes to show I value money over embarrassment.

3. I've been shoe shopping again recently, seen a few things but not bought anything yet. I feel the need to buy a pair of boots for going out plus maybe a fleecy lined pair for the winter (along with more leggings). Now I've actually started going out dressed, I've started think more practically which is rather exciting rather than buying a dress, trying it on once and putting it away.

4.I have been thinking about necklaces too. I've seen a lovely heart one but I think it's too big for me (is a heart a bit too cliche too?) but I expect I'll find something. Frances on this year's The Apprentice always has a nice key necklace on and that looks cool. It is a learning curve after all, I'm still finding my style which at the moment veers between chavvy and preppy. There is a part of me that really wants to try on some trashy stuff just to see how it looks. 

5. I'm spending a lot of time clothes shopping at the moment (not actually buying much I add) and I'm really excited. There's just so much I want to buy and I'm holding myself back a little. 

6. The other week a friend of mine said I now dress like Amy Pond, (not referring to the crossplay) and I suppose I do and it feels quite cool although technically I think that outfit was half Clara and half Amy but perhaps more intriguingly it wasn't a million miles away from what I would have been wearing anyway. Jumper, jeans and trainers. Just a bit more girly. 

7. The dress code at my work has tightened up a bit recently so I'm now in a suit a lot more. I find it ironic that in a year I've started to dress more that I'm almost being forced back into a stereotypical male look. Now, I could propose the idea of wearing a skirt suit but that may be a step too far.

October Update

So, I've been meaning to update this for a while and as always it seems to slip away from me. 

September has been a bit of a lean month for me money-wise with changes in my payment structure so I've had to make a conscious effort to save which means no money for new clothes. I'm thinking about more shoes now and perhaps more experiments with make-up. I would love some more dresses, tops and at least one more black skirt. Work has also been crazy busy recently and I'm feeling more and more overwhelmed as the days go by. There's also the thought at the back of my head that I'm going to end up in real trouble one day

No more trips out dressed although I expect to have some this month and it may get a bit hectic. I also need to get a couple of my dresses repaired at some point. Just a couple of bits of sewing needed. I usually take things to my mum but that's out for various reasons and any knowledge I did have from school has now been forgotten but I wouldn't trust myself to do it anyway. Still, I am considering learning. 

My latest experience seems to have made me more convicted, if anything. I've always said that I needed to allow myself to look at clothes in a different way and I'm certainly doing that now. I keep noticing outfits and clothes I like and there's no hesitation at all. I now get a pang in my chest when I think about it and I get excited. Not nerves or dread but something more. It's becoming something I need to do. This is still a work in progress of course, I'm still developing my style and my feelings are ever changing. I went into some shops today and couldn't help but feel self-conscious, like everyone was looking at me like I was some kind of deviant, for want of a better word. It didn't stop me looking but I certainly felt like all eyes were upon me. One tip is to stick to the jewellery section though, people think you're looking for a present for someone. I've started wearing my leggings a lot and they seem to make me feel more relaxed when I wear them with a skirt so I may be doing that more. 

It feels odd being so out in the open, to most people anyway, now.  

Boots!

Well, I've now taken my first foray into female footwear.

I needed a pair of knee length boots for a cosplay but I've been out of luck due to size. Yesterday, however, I did find a pair in a much smaller size than I thought although I did feel an obligation to buy even if they hadn't fit because I'm sure I felt something rip although no damage done on closer inspection when I got them home. Luckily they fit wonderfully, I tried them on with my costume and it just looks awesome.

Size can be quite odd, as I've found out. Even with men's shoes I think I have pairs in about three different sizes but at least I have something to measure it against now. I don't think I'll start on the high heels just (if at all) but a pair of ankle boots or court shoes, maybe even some Mary Janes would be nice.

I have been getting more confident after last week and I've also wondered if I've influenced anyone the way I was as a youngster. Just seeing one person dressed differently can influence others. That's why I started this blog; to put across my experiences and let others know that they're not alone in these feelings like I wish I would have read when I was younger. I wonder if any of the kids at the party, after seeing me, realise they can dress outside of gender boundary's if they wish, that it's ok.