Resolutions

I'm not normally one for New Years resolutions these days. For a long time, certainly over the last couple of decades, my resolutions remained much the same. I wanted a new job, wanted to move out of my parents' house and to have a relationship and for one brief point during 2010s I achieved all three. You may be surprised, especially considering this blog, but crossdressing never featured that highly on it as it was something that lived in the back of my head and for a while I thought it was something I would explore with a sexual partner. While I came close, it was ultimately something that never happened.

This year though I was having some thoughts about things I might want to do and writing more is one of them so hopefully I can update this a lot more (can't be worse than last year) but another one is having a full MTF makeover one day. As I've said before, I'm not really one for a lot of make-up, wigs, breast forms, bras, hip pads etc. I mainly just like the clothes. Recently however I've been thinking about it a lot, just getting the full makeover just once to see what it would be like. Some services also offer photoshoots as well and they have some lovely outfits to choose from. So anyway, that's what I hope to do at some point the year. You may see me go full girl.

One thing I was determined to do those was to continue dressing and try not to be too scared of doing it around my home town. On New Year's Day I went to have breakfast in a nearly restaurant dressed in a t-shirt, tights, skirt and cardigan. Pleased to say everything went alright and I've even started going up to do my weekly shopping wearing a skirt and leggings. Oh I haven't even mentioned the gorgeous pink coat I bought last year (which I'm still a little nervous of wearing for some reason.I guess it's a bit more striking than my usual long black coat to try and hide in).

Anyway, just to end up I just thought I would put a picture up of a lovely 2 in 1 black dogtooth dress I saw in New Look today. Not in my size at the moment unfortunately but you never know.

Photo Credit: Newlook.com

Pause

So I had a bit of a moment today. 

I bought a new dress, black with green birds on it, which is all very nice but it's quite low cut and I didn't really notice before I tried it on. Seeing all that hair on my chest reminded me of what I am, of the stereotypical cross dresser. We may like to think we look super sexy in a hot dress but there are things that remind you that you're a hairy, misshapen lump in a piece of clothing not even designed for your gender but for some pretty young woman. 

I realise that this is easily remedied though; I can shave my body or put on a t-shirt (which is what I did and am in fact wearing at this moment) but I guess seeing myself like that brought it into sharp focus. I am considering taking it back but now I've worn it for a bit, plus the addition of a necklace, it's not so bad. I like a nice bit of neck space and I'm not considering breast forms anytime soon but I may watch out for more low cut stuff in future. 

For further clarification, for anyone that cares, I'm wearing the dress (white t-shirt underneath) with a pair of black leggings and a grey sparkly jumper. I've also painted my nails again and trying something new, light red with half painted in a darker red. Very nice and not chipped yet which is a first. Also bought some red lipstick recently. I've been thinking about trying some bright red lipstick for a while now and it looks nice but I still need more application practice. 

The Silhouette

It's been quite a busy few weeks and I think it shows just how far I've come that any one of these things would have, at one time, been huge steps for me.

One thing is that I've had the conversation about my crossdressing with my roommate, a friend of mine for over 20 years, and he's fine with it. Only done it once in front of him (bit too cold for tights in this house at the moment) and it hasn't really changed anything as I thought it might.

A few weeks ago, I went for a weekend away in a large town in the north of England and on one of those days decided to dress, spending most of the day in a glittery jumper, blue skirt and leggings. I was quite pleased, I walked around the town and even went for a meal with my friends although we spent most of the day in the hotel. Everyone was fine with it and the only time I felt uncomfortable was when I was at close quarters with someone in a lift. Indeed, the only time anyone questioned my choice of attire was in a lift when one girl asked why I was "wearing a girls top". I didn't answer in the end because by that time the lift stopped and I got out.

Now, why the title? Well, I was thinking about the last time I dressed in public a couple of months ago and why I was so annoyed with myself. I never added at the time how much of a wrench it was to walk out the door that evening and it certainly took an alcoholic contribution but sometimes I reach the point where I just want to do it and to hell with the consequences. The rage and frustration just builds up so much I just want to throw myself into the fire, or dance into it as Duran Duran would have it, and take whatever is thrown at me. Nerves do get the better of me at certain situations and despite initial nerves I reach a point where I just don't care about it any more and just want to get it over and done with. Don't want to be scared any more.

Anyway, back to the title, after the last time I figured out that I'm not used to the silhouette. I'm used to looking down and seeing a pair of trousers, not a skirt and my legs (which I have been told look wonderful) in tights or leggings. It looks unusual. I started to think about this after going to the toilet in that pub and a friend remarked that it was 'weird  to see a skirt coming down the stairs'. In the nicest way you understand. Another friend later got me to have a word with him as he was scared he had offended me. I have to accept that as me now and once I get used to it, I think things will be better. Wearing a jumper or top is different, mainly because I can hide it but you can't hide the bottom half so well.

As a brief update on clothes and make-up, I have bought another couple of tops (one I'm still waiting for, Amazon), tried lipstick briefly and also continued to paint my nails. Last week while out drinking with friend's again, one pressed some nail varnishes into my hand while at the bar. I'm so grateful to this woman for a lot of things. When she first saw me dressed, she asked whether I had always felt odd wearing trousers (or something to that effect, I can't quite recall at this late hour) and I was quite taken aback. I had never considered anything like that. Anyway, she passed me them at the bar in case I didn't want anyone else to see which is very considerate although it has strengthened my resolve. Why should I be ashamed of this? I'm only wearing clothes after all.  I should own it more, not feel so ashamed. Then again it's not as if I've not been in a fight or been threatened in my life and that was wearing my normal clothes. I wear a suit every day for my job and that seems to draw all sorts of people to you thinking that you've got pots of money to give away (bust my lip the other week after I slipped over trying to run away from someone, true story). I think also because I expect it, I can front it out a bit more.

All of which leads me up to the present and another birthday party at a London bar (I'm not an alcoholic, honest) this coming weekend in which I'm considering/really wanna dress for. My earlier experiences have led me to another source of frustration and that is travel. When I'm with my friends, I'm fine and even up north there was a hotel in easy running distance but like the other month and this up coming weekend I will have the stress of train and tube travel, feeling that everyone's starring at me. I think it goes back to feeling at close quarters with someone. It doesn't help that a football stadium has recently been built on the line I travel on. I guess the only way to get over this is to do it more until I get more relaxed with my new silhouette.  

October Update

So, I've been meaning to update this for a while and as always it seems to slip away from me. 

September has been a bit of a lean month for me money-wise with changes in my payment structure so I've had to make a conscious effort to save which means no money for new clothes. I'm thinking about more shoes now and perhaps more experiments with make-up. I would love some more dresses, tops and at least one more black skirt. Work has also been crazy busy recently and I'm feeling more and more overwhelmed as the days go by. There's also the thought at the back of my head that I'm going to end up in real trouble one day

No more trips out dressed although I expect to have some this month and it may get a bit hectic. I also need to get a couple of my dresses repaired at some point. Just a couple of bits of sewing needed. I usually take things to my mum but that's out for various reasons and any knowledge I did have from school has now been forgotten but I wouldn't trust myself to do it anyway. Still, I am considering learning. 

My latest experience seems to have made me more convicted, if anything. I've always said that I needed to allow myself to look at clothes in a different way and I'm certainly doing that now. I keep noticing outfits and clothes I like and there's no hesitation at all. I now get a pang in my chest when I think about it and I get excited. Not nerves or dread but something more. It's becoming something I need to do. This is still a work in progress of course, I'm still developing my style and my feelings are ever changing. I went into some shops today and couldn't help but feel self-conscious, like everyone was looking at me like I was some kind of deviant, for want of a better word. It didn't stop me looking but I certainly felt like all eyes were upon me. One tip is to stick to the jewellery section though, people think you're looking for a present for someone. I've started wearing my leggings a lot and they seem to make me feel more relaxed when I wear them with a skirt so I may be doing that more. 

It feels odd being so out in the open, to most people anyway, now.  

Shorts and Dress

I forgot to mention a couple of other pieces of clothing I bought recently, namely a pair of leggings (first time I've bought a par) and a pair of flippy shorts. Really like the shorts, wearing them right now in fact and I might continue throughout the summer.

Anyway, I have an event coming up fairly soon. I have some friends renewing their wedding vows and I'm considering wearing my new black dress. Rather excited by the thought actually. So should I just wear it or go full girlie with wigs and make-up and stuff? I think I'll have to wear tights with it and buy some appropriate shoes plus a handbag (no pockets and I need to have money and my phone and stuff near me).

The only trouble is that the dress has no unfortunately got a couple of holes in it due to the intricate embroidery on the top. While it fits well, it's not the easiest to get on and off which is how I think it got torn. In fact I tried it on again today and spent a while trying to take it off without tearing it further. Sounds like a subject for a TG caption doesn't it? Stuck in a dress. Maybe I could try and get it repaired or cover it up with a coat or cardigan or something. Ooh I might need one of those too. Not sure if I'll go through with this but it will be fun to see.

Noticeable Styles

Just a quick one tonight (or this morning now I guess since it's coming up to 1.30am here).

A little in relation to what I was talking about yesterday there was a girl I saw on the train today. She had long blonde hair and was wearing a black cap, black top and black leggings with gold chains around the neck and pockets and some blinging trainers. I've never seen an outfit like it before and I'm not sure of the right word to use but I loved it. It was something that I would never personally wear (not all the same colour) but yet I wanted to so much; I couldn't look away. It would have been such fun to swap clothes with her there and then, it's another common fantasy for me. I also find it fascinating why people wear the things they do and when. How what's stylish and the right way to dress for one person is opposite for another. Wearing a tracksuit may be a common look for one person but another would abhor it and you could say the same about long, fancy, elegant dress.

Another style I was thinking about recently was the 1940s. I've been watching some episodes of Agent Carter. Love Hayley Atwell in her blue suit. Long pencil skirt, tights and heels, just so smart and stylish. I'm liking the show so far with a highlight being the banter between Jarvis and Peggy. There's a lovely shot of Peggy walking to work in the opening episode in her blue suit and red hat, standing out amongst a sea of men dressed in dark suits.

Hmm maybe a future cosplay, who knows.

Agent Peggy Carter surveys the office

Photograph: www.thestar.com

Chances

I sat next to a woman on the train today. Well, she sat next to me, truth be told. Lovely red hair, nails and a wonderful pair of leggings. Usually I dread sitting next to a pretty woman as I will feel inadequate but for once I felt happy, invigorated. She actually smiled as well, most people on the train at the end of the day have a face like thunder. I should have taken the time to talk to her, I should have at least said something. I can never find the words no matter how bland they may be and I've missed my chance now.

I worry about that a lot, missing chances. One day I'll be old and looking back on my life with no power to change it. Back in the days before iplayer and DVDs when watching something on TV at the time was the only time you were likely to see it I worried that I would forgo a social occasion for the television and end up catching a repeat years later. I would have missed that chance just for the TV.

Ever since the break-up I've dreaded being in that situation again and the slowly dawning fact that I should probably try to start dating again, not that I ever did an awful lot anyway.

Sorry if I've sounded a little maudlin tonight, I don't mean to be. Actually the experience cheered me up a bit, it's been a stressful week so far.

New Year Approaching

As we get closer to 2015, my thoughts turn to the New Year and its inevitable resolutions.

One of them is indulging in some more feminine clothing. I've been feeling really invigorated recently especially writing this blog every day. I've set myself the challenge of putting something in for every day for a month and so far it's going good. I know it may seem on and off by the posting dates but I have been sticking to it and sometimes I end up pressing the 'publish' button the wrong side of midnight. I do forsee this failing on a couple of upcoming dates though and if it interrupts with my sleep too much once I go back to work I may have to miss it for the day. My bed time does keep creeping up though and it really shouldn't.

Anyway, when I've been thinking about this I wonder when I'm going to find the time to wear the clothes or where to store them. The idea does give that frisson of excitement though especially on the days when I'm alone in the house. Imagine wearing a nice dress or skirt for a few hours. Not the most advisable thing in this cold weather though. I've thought of maybe just walking down the street like it. Long coat, skirt and tights or maybe leggings. I see a lot of cyclists in leggings in London. I'm sure I would get a few double takes but nothing much else. My area is not the most liberal though, I would have said, so it's still something I would approach with caution.

While I was out shopping today I did think of buying something. Nearly did it too. I approached the racks but still the idea of being 'seen' looking through them still scares me a bit so ultimately I came away with nothing. I was so determined today too. Still there's always online and I know there's at least one convention coming up next year I'll be going to so hopefully I'll be able to do something for that.

It's another step I suppose.

Yes

I've mentioned previously that I like receiving the odd email from American Apparel well today I received one from Amazon. Nothing special in that but it also contained the following headline:

Still Looking for Women's Clothing? 

Well, that's an interesting existential question considering my fears of the social climate and the larger question about male sexual desires but yes, yes I am.

It then goes on to offer me some deals on leggings. Yes, I've been looking at some leggings recently and possibly some disco pants. High waists are really in this year. Someone suggested I should get gold leggings and I'm quite taken with the idea because it's not a colour I would usually consider so it feels a little daring. I have bought stuff with them before for a fancy dress party. Yes, for real a fancy dress party.

The same as always though, I just can't seem to make an order. It's easier now of course with teh internetz so I don't have to go into an actual shop but I still get nervous. I suppose I fear a big package turning up with a logo emblazoned on it and having to explain it. I remember once a dress I ordered had to be taken in by a neighbour and I got a bit nervous then although that was in a plain package.

Anyway, not much of an update but something that amused me.

A Trip to France

When I was 14 I went with my school on a trip to the south of France for a week. I remember we also travelled with another school from the north of England and I remember how odd their accents sounded. Sure I was used to northern accents from the TV but up close it was rather startling. Just one of many things about growing up I guess. I did end up making friends though. Ok, so that little anecdote has no real bearing on this but it was just something I remember along with sharing a tent. One of the girls came in and gave us all a kiss. She hesitated when she got to me but at least it was something.

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this up is a theme night the company put on for us to do. I can't remember any other activities but a talent show on the last day. This was a gender swap contest. "All the males dress up as females and all the females dress up as males," as one of the hosts told me and it's a phrase that still sticks with me to this day. Now my immediate reaction was one of fear, fear that I will be embarrassed and forced to do something I didn't want to but I had to admit it intrigued me. Most of the guys were game for it and the girls lent them clothes. I was more on the outside of the group anyway. I took some pictures but decided not to dress myself because it was optional although a pair of flowery leggings did come into my possession. I can't recall how; whether another guy had them left over, if they were just in our tent or what but I decided to join in and put them on. I think I changed my mind earlier in the day but was afraid to ask one of the girls to help me.

I felt a bit ridiculous that night in my t-shirt and flowery leggings. The show itself saw the rest of the school put on various poses for contests like 'cutest wiggle' and I really enjoyed it. The leggings were never claimed back though and remained on the washing line for the rest of our trip. Looking back I wished I had conquered my fears and taken part but I was a different person back then and its only by confronting these feelings later on in life that I feel I'm beginning to understand it better. Perhaps one underlying reason for my nervousness was that deep down I knew how it may have made me feel, the rest of the guys wouldn't feel anything at all. It was just girls clothes, a bit of a laugh, but for me something more although I either didn't realise it or want to admit it at the time.

Fashionista #4

Ok, so when I write these try and imagine a Posh Spice kind of vibe with me wearing a tight black dress, large sunglasses and big black handbag.

I blame The Killing. Sarah Lund has made chunky knitwear fashionable again for the first time since the 1980s. Not just as a fashion item too but that kind of design has been used for labels and t-shirts .

Sarah Lund celebrating The Killing's success

Stripes are in at the moment especially stripey leggings. One girl on a Gok Wan show called them her "Beetlejuice Pants" which is a very fitting title.

Doing it Zebra style

Striped T-shirts are also fashionable now. It appears it's in to look like a French stereotype. 

'Allo 'Allo there

Back to trousers and disco pants are coming back in. I started seeing these stretchy black leggings a month or so ago and they seem to be popular. At least they definitely keep out the cold weather. 

A different (and more reserved) disco diva

Staying with black, pleated leather mini skirts are becoming popular too. Very nice. 

Leather minis FTW

Back up to the head now and if we're short of money it seems we just want to look rich with lots of faux fur coats and hast about plus the fur hat ring.Leaving the top of the head exposed seems like an odd idea but it must be warm as there are plenty about. 

Warm your head with a furry hat ring

Also, if we're not trying to look rich then we go right out into the woods and look as if we've killed our own hats as having a wolf on your noggin is getting to be popular. 

Gorgeous like the wolf

Doctor Who started up again recently and I'm loving new girl Clara's look already. I especially love the publicity picture below of actress Jenna Louise Coleman. Such a cute dress with lovely bows! 

Jenna-Louise Coleman in a rare visit to Earth, 2013.

And finally, two current fashion items (well perhaps more last year) that I really dislike: The Onesie

Onesie is enough

I get why people like this but I think the overgrown toddler look. 

The second item is these boots: 

Das knee high boots

Now, I have nothing against knee high boots, I used to dream about having to wear a pair when I was in my late teens but I think it's just the scoop at the top which turns me off them. 

That's all for now! 

Ciao!

Fashionista #3

Ok, so...

Remember last time I mentioned studs and spikes? Well this is now officially A Thing. Little studs and spikes are now adorning the shoulders of jackets, handbags and shoes as women are trying to look that little bit more badass and teen-emo punk.

Studded shoes

Studded Jacket

One little twist to this is also the jewelled collar on that Noughties favourite the sheer blouse. Notice on the picture below that the blouse is also tucked into the skirt. This is another little thing that has now become popular. The free flowing shirt or top is gone and the future is tucked shirts with skirts riding a bit higher up the waist.

Tucked and Bejewelled

Patterned tights are in mainly with hipsters and geeks but are slowly creeping into the mainstream. Leggings with floral patterns are in especially with matching jackets.

Patterned Tights and Leggings

Speaking of jackets, Superdry Japan are out and this years essential jacket is quilted. It seems that the Sloane Ranger look may be about to make a comeback. Ok, yah!

Quilted Jacket

Staying with jackets, this is more men than woman but it's now becoming fashionable to have the collar of your overcoat turned up and some colour underneath. Can't really find the right picture to illustrate this one.

Sticking with comebacks, the military look may be on the rise again. This is one look that keeps emerging and it's understandable considering the times we live in. The military look, green shirts and khakis, was quite popular in the 1970s following the Vietnam War and let's not forget that one of the biggest and most durable fashion items is military in origin: the T-shirt. US Veterans started wearing them casually after World War II and they really caught on in the 1950s. The last time it came around was in the late 1990s and I doubt I will forget the cargo trousers and multicoloured khakis that adorned market stalls everywhere as I was in my late teens.

In the Army Now

To finish off, one item I'm seeing more of is the dress or jacket and skirt combo with the frill in the middle. A tight dress with a frill looks sexy, stylish and professional. A 21st century version of 1980s power dressing.

Fantastic Frills!

 That's all for now. Ciao!

Invasion of the Hipsters

I was on lunch break last week when I spotted a group of hipsters/emo kids walking in the park. I didn't think anything of it until I saw many many more gathered in another area. Now, I was intrigued by this and asked a girl with blue hair who explained it was a meet up organised through Twitter.

Now, anyone who knows me from the Haven will know how much I love the whole eclectic emo girl look and I couldn't help seeing some really cool clothes including more cool leggings. Some of the haircuts were really odd though. I kind of wished I could have hung around with them for a bit longer.

Fashionista #2

Ok, so...

Due to the Olympics there's been a lot of patriotic clothing around with 'Team GB' and the Union Jack on.

Team GB T-shirt

I love the little lion symbol and our 'Pride the Lion' mascot is certainly better than the official ones although obviously you couldn't have anything as nationalistic as that to be the official mascot. It will be interesting to see how much of this patriotic style remains in a few months once the games have been forgotten. Another thing I've noticed is the rise in leggings with the flag, and not just the British one, on them stretching down the side.

Flaggings: UK Style!

Flaggings - USA style!

Of course with the sun out there are plenty of sunglasses around and not the big black Victoria Beckham ones either but cheap, very 80s looking ones with neon rims. The 80s still seem to be in at least. Also rising in popularity are the Pussy Bow blouse and the round collar blouse. I didn't like the latter when it first started getting popular but now it's growing on me. Still not sure if it's the sort of thing I would wear though. Maybe, but it looks quite cute especially with the outfit below.

The Round Collared Blouse

I've seen some wonderful outfits recently too, for example a woman looking a bit like a rock chick with a shock of blonde hair wearing a band t-shirt, fashion jacket, skinny jeans and fake leopardskin high heels. So stylish.  Lastly, there are the shorts. Cut off denim shorts with the pockets pulled through although, unlike the picture below, I've seen quite a few pockets painted with different designs like, and I'm sensing a theme here, flags.

Jean Shorts with pockets pulled through

  
Since I saw this picture I've also noticed that studs have been creeping in to clothing. I saw some on a few jackets recently. Very bad-ass.

When I was talking about posting some caps before, Alectra suggested having caps added as part of the theme of whatever I was talking about and sinceI sourced this picture here to do a cap I thought I would share. This was done for the Haven's teen dream Totalditz since she did a similar post over at Tis My Life - OMG!

Laters!

New Shorts (2012)