Check-Up #17

I have been meaning to update this over the last couple of months so apologies to anyone still reading that nothing new has appeared. Things have gotten busier at work recently and I'm now back at the office full time so it feels like I have less time than I used to especially for relaxing in the evenings. It feels like I just get home, eat something, watch TV and then go to sleep to get back up and do it all over again early in the morning. 

Over the past couple of months I've bought some new clothes - a lovely yellow and black patterned top and a nice dress which, as you know, I do get attracted to work-wear kind of stuff and this is grey with white sleeves with a frill on the end, small collar and a black tie. I don't know if I'll ever find anywhere to wear it but it's still nice. I also bought a black dress with green and blue flowers on it and a little frill on the shoulders. It's quite on trend at the moment so I'm pleased with myself for looking vaguely fashionable. I actually got it due to a voucher for a high street store gifted to me by a colleague for some help with a big project at work so of course my first thought was for clothes. I still have some money left on it too. 

I have had a couple of occasions now where I've dressed femme to go out. One week I met a friend for a drink and ended up staying the night and going home in the early morning feeling a little delicate. Last week I wore the aforementioned flowery dress to a friend's birthday drink at a pub and ended up feeling a little out of sorts. It was a crowded pub which didn't help plus it was Valentine's weekend and the Six Nations rugby was on so sports fans were everywhere. As sometimes happens, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and couldn't really get the thought out of my mind despite the fact that I liked the dress and felt comfortable in it. I will add that I did get a few compliments which is always nice and everyone was very friendly. I think it may be the fact that I arrived too early and spent some time waiting around for everyone so I just felt too self conscious. Some nights I end up wondering why I bother and what's the point of it all if I just end up feeling like the odd one out. Of course on the flip side, had I just worn a jumper and jeans I would have felt worse for not taking the opportunity to dress femme. I don't think I'm the type to just scorch the earth and give everything up. In fact, the week just gone I saw a dress in a charity shop I loved. Tried it on and it was a little small which was a shame but I think it goes to prove just how passionate I feel about it and how good it ultimately makes me feel. 

I'm not sure if there's anything I particularly want to do this year but I have been meaning to try and do something about make-up but I just don't have the passion for it yet I think it would do a lot to help me with my self image where cosplay is concerned. 

Occasionally I think again about asking work if I can wear more femme clothes but I go back and forth with it. I think they would probably agree but I'm not sure if I want to make that leap. I could probably weather any comments from colleagues but there's still a nagging feeling that I would be making things worse for myself. Sometimes I think I'm too old for things like this and that maybe it should be for the next generation but then I guess you only get to that point if previous generations fight for these things. Maybe it's just how I grew up and the ingrained attitudes I grew up with. Then again just this week I was writhing on the floor trying to fix the office printer (certainly not very demure) and then just Friday night with Storm Eunice battering Britain the trains were all cancelled so I travelled home on a crowded bus and ended up unexpectedly being picked up by my parents so I don't know how I would have explained that had I been wearing a dress. Oh well, maybe I will one day.