The Silhouette

It's been quite a busy few weeks and I think it shows just how far I've come that any one of these things would have, at one time, been huge steps for me.

One thing is that I've had the conversation about my crossdressing with my roommate, a friend of mine for over 20 years, and he's fine with it. Only done it once in front of him (bit too cold for tights in this house at the moment) and it hasn't really changed anything as I thought it might.

A few weeks ago, I went for a weekend away in a large town in the north of England and on one of those days decided to dress, spending most of the day in a glittery jumper, blue skirt and leggings. I was quite pleased, I walked around the town and even went for a meal with my friends although we spent most of the day in the hotel. Everyone was fine with it and the only time I felt uncomfortable was when I was at close quarters with someone in a lift. Indeed, the only time anyone questioned my choice of attire was in a lift when one girl asked why I was "wearing a girls top". I didn't answer in the end because by that time the lift stopped and I got out.

Now, why the title? Well, I was thinking about the last time I dressed in public a couple of months ago and why I was so annoyed with myself. I never added at the time how much of a wrench it was to walk out the door that evening and it certainly took an alcoholic contribution but sometimes I reach the point where I just want to do it and to hell with the consequences. The rage and frustration just builds up so much I just want to throw myself into the fire, or dance into it as Duran Duran would have it, and take whatever is thrown at me. Nerves do get the better of me at certain situations and despite initial nerves I reach a point where I just don't care about it any more and just want to get it over and done with. Don't want to be scared any more.

Anyway, back to the title, after the last time I figured out that I'm not used to the silhouette. I'm used to looking down and seeing a pair of trousers, not a skirt and my legs (which I have been told look wonderful) in tights or leggings. It looks unusual. I started to think about this after going to the toilet in that pub and a friend remarked that it was 'weird  to see a skirt coming down the stairs'. In the nicest way you understand. Another friend later got me to have a word with him as he was scared he had offended me. I have to accept that as me now and once I get used to it, I think things will be better. Wearing a jumper or top is different, mainly because I can hide it but you can't hide the bottom half so well.

As a brief update on clothes and make-up, I have bought another couple of tops (one I'm still waiting for, Amazon), tried lipstick briefly and also continued to paint my nails. Last week while out drinking with friend's again, one pressed some nail varnishes into my hand while at the bar. I'm so grateful to this woman for a lot of things. When she first saw me dressed, she asked whether I had always felt odd wearing trousers (or something to that effect, I can't quite recall at this late hour) and I was quite taken aback. I had never considered anything like that. Anyway, she passed me them at the bar in case I didn't want anyone else to see which is very considerate although it has strengthened my resolve. Why should I be ashamed of this? I'm only wearing clothes after all.  I should own it more, not feel so ashamed. Then again it's not as if I've not been in a fight or been threatened in my life and that was wearing my normal clothes. I wear a suit every day for my job and that seems to draw all sorts of people to you thinking that you've got pots of money to give away (bust my lip the other week after I slipped over trying to run away from someone, true story). I think also because I expect it, I can front it out a bit more.

All of which leads me up to the present and another birthday party at a London bar (I'm not an alcoholic, honest) this coming weekend in which I'm considering/really wanna dress for. My earlier experiences have led me to another source of frustration and that is travel. When I'm with my friends, I'm fine and even up north there was a hotel in easy running distance but like the other month and this up coming weekend I will have the stress of train and tube travel, feeling that everyone's starring at me. I think it goes back to feeling at close quarters with someone. It doesn't help that a football stadium has recently been built on the line I travel on. I guess the only way to get over this is to do it more until I get more relaxed with my new silhouette.