Things haven't really got much better this week.
It kind of hit home to me last night how socially inept I am. In some ways it doesn't feel like any time has passed since I was mumbling around a sixth form social nearly 20 years ago. Of course I realise that I have changed in the intervening years. I'm more worldly, I have life experience and, yes I'm more confident but I still can't apply myself. I still get too intimidated.
A long time ago I thought that I would suddenly have this knowledge when I reach a certain age - I have a very specific memory of it while swimming in a pool - but that doesn't happen. It takes experience like everything else in life. I don't believe I can change though. It would have happened by now if it's going to but I think I'm stuck with myself a certain way for the rest of my life. It's why I don't think I should try therapy or anything like that. You can say whatever platitudes and do as many exercises you want, it's not going to change how of think or how you feel at a core level. It makes me so frustrated. I hate myself because of it. Is this how I'll be remembered? A fool? A drunk? A sissy? I guess as long as I'm remembered.
I think with my ex I'm either going to have to put up or shut now she's reappeared. Either I start talking to her again or just defriend her altogether. Believe it or not though I think I'm genuinely close to being over her which is what makes last night so frustrating.
I had an idea for a short story too, well, a short piece of fiction. For a while I've been thinking of doing some Role Exchanger captions but not involving TG which of course means I can't really do them on the Haven plus I would have to find pictures. What I may do though is write one just as a short piece for here. I've had an idea and I've been thinking about it for the last few days and I really like it. At least there's the bank holiday coming up.
I find that we never hit a mythical point where we know what to do. I have had a similar journey to you. I found, ultimately, that it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. Not knowing how to act is the situation for EVERYONE, and when you realise that things do get easier. And by 'realise' I mean living with the knowledge as sure as you live with gravity, as a rule.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about therapy and core aspects of being yourself. I did the therapy, and it didn't work mainly because of who I am at my core. Therapy CAN work, but on something that you wish to change and are able to do so.
I embraced my ineptitude socially. I made it part of being me and flaunted it. Looking back, it was that decision that landed me a social circle, my withdrawal from it that closed that circle to me and my re-discovery of that part of me that took me back into it. In short, my lack of social awareness has spawned an actual social group where people didn't care about my lack of aptitude.
Write that short piece!
Thanks once more for your lovely comments, Joanna :)
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