I've been doing a lot of thinking recently related back to my trip to Italy last year. I said I got some dress envy which normally happens but I think that the root of it is not that there were other people wearing dresses but that I wasn't. I was depressed that I was unable how to present how I wanted to. Thinking about it since and there are times when I've looked in the mirror when I've been dressed and I've loved what I'm wearing. It's made me stupidly happy to do it and I realised that through the years I've never felt that way about any male clothes that I've worn. It doesn't matter whether I'm in a t-shirt and jeans or a suit (and to be honest suits and formal wear in general always made me feel a bit uncomfortable) I've never felt that same way and nowhere near as happy as when I'm in a nice dress or skirt and tights. After all these years, it just feels right.
When I was a teenager I used to go out to clubs with my friends with the chief reason being to pick up girls. This never worked, not for me anyway, I was never that type of person and the music was mostly the kind of rubbish you get in clubs anyway. At least if it had been the songs in the pop charts I might even have been able to have a dance. Genuinely I used to wish I was a woman sitting atop a stool dressed in a slinky red dress and smoking a cigarette like in the movies. No idea why the cigarette (I don't even smoke) or why it should be a red dress (perhaps related to Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys which I've never actually seen to this day or Jessica Rabbit) but I think it was also that I wanted to take on the more traditional female role and have people talk to me rather than having to make the first move. Later on when I started to go out dressed I went to a club with some friends to celebrate a birthday and there I felt like the odd one out but then I thought about it a bit more and figured out that I didn't really want to dress like the other guys in their plaid shirts and shiny shoes but I just wanted to blend in a bit more and not feel like I was a square peg. This feeling has gone away in later years though and I'm more comfortable with myself now and don't feel like I stick out quite so much although some times are more noticeable than others.
Thinking about it, I don't think that dressing how I wanted would have been the solution to all my problems but perhaps it would have made me a little happier and a bit more at peace with myself without feeling that I'm being forced to act a certain way. It does feel like that at times though, like I'm being forced to look a certain way and I was the one doing it. Perhaps I've repressed that part of me. Maybe that's the reason. That said though I'm still a believer that things happened when they were supposed to and if I had started earlier I may not have been as comfortable with myself. I needed to get through a set of experiences to become who I am now.
I've been out dressed a few times recently in fact I think last year I was doing it a couple of times a month. I bought some new skirts recently too and even a dress that was a bit too tight (even after I found the side zip) but it was only £1.00. I'm worried that the enjoyment is starting to slip a bit for me but that may be worries about storage. If I see something I like, I will still go for it.
Lastly, I've had some really nice comments on my writing recently and one in particular I would like to note. I put my Role Exchanger story Office Christmas Party up the The Changing Mirror back in December due to the Christmas theme (in fact it's been about a decade since I wrote it) and had a lovely comment from TF story legend and Role Exchanger creator Morpheus (I have no reason to believe this wasn't genuinely them, by the way) who said that they enjoyed it and it may even have inspired them return to the concept. Genuinely made up by that.
To end I thought I would add a story I read just last night that I liked about a trio of friends at a music festival who slowly get turned into fans of a pop princess rather than the band they were actually there to see.
Gaining New Fans by DeviantNabu
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