My mood has a horrible habit of shifting with each passing week. I really enjoy my Saturdays shopping, even more so since I started buying more clothes. I don't think I realised before how much its opened up my world although I swear that one of the shops has started applying 'men' and 'women' labels to their racks especially for me (ok, so I'm exaggerating for self-deprecation purposes here).
Some weeks I feel really good about myself but others I just feel really down, like what I'm doing is somehow seedy and unacceptable. I wonder if it would be better if I just put the genie back in the bottle and never dress again for the rest of my life. Would it affect me? Could I live without it? Maybe a few years exploring it is fine but somehow it just keeps coming back up. I should be glad to be living in a free country where I can fully explore it (well, within reason. I would still fear going out dressed) and in this year, which has taken so many people from us, I am feeling that I should live my life more the way I want to as it's so short. Too short to be afraid.
I did buy some more clothes over the weekend using up an old voucher. Such a wonderful black evening dress, looks gorgeous and fits well. I would love a place to wear it to. I do worry that I'm getting more clothes with no place to put them or even to wear them too. At least putting together a cosplay outfit means it will be seen. This almost feels like a useless hobby.
I even had a dream last night. I was wearing a dress, big poofy thing with big sleeves and a long skirt and I was constantly running from people trying to find some place to hide, feeling ever more embarrassed. Now, according to various dream interpretations, crossdressing in dreams for men means that you need to get more in touch with your feminine side (and on the flip side getting in touch with your masculine side if a woman dreams of crossdressing) but I think maybe for me its a more literal interpretation.
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