Love Is A Drug

So then, Valentines Day again.

I've been feeling a bit down today for obvious reasons. Least not because last year was the only time I was able to do the day properly so it's not perhaps the day itself but just the memory of last year. Looking back, I think that was the day my relationship started to fall apart. The first time we tried to have sex. Thinking about it recently perhaps even if we did have a decent sex life it wouldn't have mattered. It might have kept her around for a few more months before she still decided to go. Still, I would have felt better and although there are always things left unsaid it's the fact that this is hanging in the air that depresses me the most. I feel not only that I let her down but I don't feel like a proper man. I had a few chances and I physically couldn't do anything about it. It makes you feel so helpless. I think that was also a factor for her in that she couldn't stand how frustrated it made me feel. Not that she ever did that much to help me, mind.

I've been thinking a lot about starting dating again recently and for that means dating websites. Finding someone in the big wide world has never been a skill of mine; I'm not a person who can go to bars and pick up women so I guess this is my only chance. A friend of mine said to me I shouldn't date until I'm ready but  have to at some point. There's not a day go by when I don't think of my ex and I keep expecting a call or text from her but would I even want to get back with her now? I would have done like a shot a few months ago but now I'm not so sure. I guess you keep going with the thought that there's someone better out there, someone you click more with and, for someone like me, a girl who will love to feminize you. Dating again does both excite and frighten me and it's scarier when you realise you might be pissing in the wind for the rest of your life when you thought you had someone.

Love is a drug though and once a spark is struck, your find yourself wanting more. It happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. The first time I met her, I don't think she dated much, I never used to hear about boyfriends or anything but about 5 years ago she started up with another friend in our circle. They broke up but since then she's nearly always had someone new. I really do want to experience other people and I did have some worries that that part of my life was over when I was with my ex but that's just my nature. I'm always looking back and over analysing stuff, afraid that I had missed out on stuff. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say but if I was to have ended up with her for the rest of my life I would have been lucky. I always wanted a relationship so perhaps that was it. My one shot, my one chance and now that's that, over and done with. The rest of my life. Things were supposed to be a lot easier when I reached this age. I was supposed to be in a different place. I was supposed to be normal. But I keep lingering on like this.

Apologies for the long, whiny post. I'll be going back to the Quantum Leaps at some point, promise.