25 Caps of Christmas 2014

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been contributing to the usual 25 Caps of Christmas thread on Rachel's Haven. 

This year the wonderful AnneOniMouse has put all of them together in an advent calender for us. 

Here's the link: http://aomouse.org/hac14/. You need to be logged to the Haven to view the caps though. 

Enjoy!

Future

Ok, so I'm feeling a bit better now.

The crying has stopped at least although I still can't stop thinking about her, wondering what I had done and when the rot set in. I have been learning not to put it all onto myself though and at least I was willing to fix it if I had been given the chance.

 I still haven't lost the thought that we might get back together at some point which I know is a bit unhealthy but I guess it's how far you take it. I think it's nice to have a little pocket of hope somewhere at the back of your head. We are still friends after all and there wasn't anything as bad as an affair between us. Looking back, I have a tendency to liken it to a Doctor Who episode The Name of the Doctor. The Great Intelligence sets out to infest the Doctor's timeline, turning every success into a defeat. That's what it feels like, every time you enjoyed something together or were happy, looking back you feel the sadness returning.

I hate being back to square one as well. I never enjoyed being single and was never any good at it although I am looking forward to meeting new people. Well, let's say about 10% because the rest is wrapped up in fear and neuroses but it's something. Speaking of which, I am considering having some therapy, see if that can solve any of the problems I have or at least point me in a direction. Perhaps I can get some stuff sorted out.

I have also been pondering a new blog idea which basically consists of writing about television. taking an episode of something I've watched recently and blogging about it whether it's this week's Doctor Who or, say, an episode of Babylon 5 which I have been watching for the first time recently. I got the idea from a book I read recently. Trouble is, I don't think I would have the time. I don't update this as much as I would want to despite having a slight wobble earlier in the year.

Anyway, I don't intend blogging on this subject again unless there are any further developments in my love life. Hopefully something a bit more cheery soon. I'm honestly not as gloomy as these posts sound sometimes. Well, apart from these last two.

The Break-Up

Yesterday my girlfriend broke up with me.

It's not as though this was a complete suprise since since she's been very distant for the past month. I thought that whatever it was there would be a way of fixing it but nope. She wasn't interested. We have apparently hit a dead end.

Needless to say, I've cried a lot over the past couple of days. This was my first relationship too. I think I began to get complacent and thought that our love would carry us through. She was the first person who seemed to fancy me and want to be with me and I thought that would continue. Apparently I was on a time frame. We did have some sexual problems and I was close to telling her about my crossdressing. I think she would have been accepting of it especially if it may have spiced things up.

It kind of feels like death. The other person has died and you can't help but see them everywhere, think about your lives and think of all the things you meant to do together. Of course, she wasn't perfect and there is some stuff I won't miss but right now I would give anything to have her back. Time heals and I may even meet someone else. If this is it for the rest of my life then at least I experienced a proper relationship.

In the end, time heals but right now it just bloody hurts.  

Nine Worlds

Over the last weekend I've been attending the Nine Worlds convention in London. It was unlike any convention I've been to in that it was mostly talk based whereas I'm more used to the odd talk amongst signings or celebrities doing Q&As . This was mainly made up on panels discussing various subjects and it was a very enjoyable weekend which covered a wide range of subjects. 

So I expect you may be wondering whether I'm about to reveal a brand new attempted cosplay for the weekend, well...unfortunately not. Once again I was struck by chronic indecision after not really wanting to do the same cosplays as I have before. So the convention crept up on me a bit and I couldn't settle on an idea. There's still a lot that I would love to do one day though. I could go for Amy Pond again but a different look. Pirate Amy from The Curse of the Black Spot would be cool. I would also love to do Clara one day too or perhaps wear one of those Star Trek OS mini dresses complete with tights and boots. Since I've been watching Farscape for the first time I've also had thoughts about doing Chiana but to be honest I would never want to go as far as all that grey body make-up. My inherent laziness would kick in. 

Of course, I need not have gone in cosplay at all if I wanted to dress as the con was very friendly towards those with trans issues (not that I have trans issues I'm more CD but you get my meaning) so I could have easy just worn a dress or put on a skirt. Indeed I saw one or two guys doing the same and to be honest it's all I really want, I think. A t-shirt, a mini skirt (maybe black), tights and a pair of Chucks. Simple. 

Yes

I've mentioned previously that I like receiving the odd email from American Apparel well today I received one from Amazon. Nothing special in that but it also contained the following headline:

Still Looking for Women's Clothing? 

Well, that's an interesting existential question considering my fears of the social climate and the larger question about male sexual desires but yes, yes I am.

It then goes on to offer me some deals on leggings. Yes, I've been looking at some leggings recently and possibly some disco pants. High waists are really in this year. Someone suggested I should get gold leggings and I'm quite taken with the idea because it's not a colour I would usually consider so it feels a little daring. I have bought stuff with them before for a fancy dress party. Yes, for real a fancy dress party.

The same as always though, I just can't seem to make an order. It's easier now of course with teh internetz so I don't have to go into an actual shop but I still get nervous. I suppose I fear a big package turning up with a logo emblazoned on it and having to explain it. I remember once a dress I ordered had to be taken in by a neighbour and I got a bit nervous then although that was in a plain package.

Anyway, not much of an update but something that amused me.

Temptation

Hello everyone.

I have been meaning to do updates before now but I've been finding myself a bit blocked recently. As any writer knows, sometimes the hardest thing to do can be just to make yourself sit down and actually write no matter what subject you happen to be writing about. Well, that's been my experience anyway.

Anyway, I had an experience today that I thought I would share. I was doing some shopping this morning and needed to buy a new pair of trousers. I went to the changing room and on a hook on the door was a pair of girls shorts and a pink lacy top. I wondered if the lady who had just vacated the room would be returning for the clothes but she never did. Having them there it was very tempting to try them on. It's just clothes after all isn't it?

I tried on my trousers and looked over at the clothes. Gingerly I tried on the shorts...and was surprised that they actually fit me. Then I started to wonder if there were CCTV cameras around and felt a bit embarrassed. I didn't see any though. The shorts felt nice, just like normal jeans really. I nearly tried on the top but felt it was a bit too small for me. For some reason I also felt that if I put them back wrong on the hanger then that would further expose me.

A small opportunity then but one I may have regretted if I passed it up. I've been watching a TV show recently, Drag Queens of London, which has given me a bit of renewed confidence.  

Update: April 2014

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't been about for a while but I've been really busy lately plus I kind of haven't felt like blogging for a while. There's many things I've wanted to say but haven't quite had the time or inclination to start typing. I've had a few knocks to my confidence recently too.

Anyway, hope to be back doing some more stuff soon.