December Update

I always seem to start my posts apologising for not updating this blog and this is no exception to the rule. every year  aim to improve my posting but I seem to have fallen behind this year. I hope there are people still out there reading this and enjoying it and if it proves inspiring at all as that was always part of my aim.

Back in October I went to a talk by Sophie LaBelle, author of Assigned Male comics (http://assignedmale.tumblr.com/) which was a nice evening and I met some great people. It was also interesting that the centre, Lime Wharf in Hackney, where the talk was held also hosts G(end)er Swap a pop-up clothing swap initiative (@genderswap on Facebook) that helps people donate and choose the kind of clothes they want to wear whatever gender they are.

November I came out of feeling that I was Daredevil, the man without fear, not because I started dressing in a red suit and fighting crime but because after a mix-up with some train times following a friend's birthday party, I ended up spending a few hours wandering the streets of London in a dress with no route back home until the early hours. Luckily no-one really noticed or at least mentioned it but I was left with the feeling that after that I'm not really scared to do it anymore. That doesn't quite bear out but I will be going out dressed tonight. Since then I also attended a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed as Magenta (a domestic) and I tried eyeshadow for the first time. I can't really remember I've bought anything in the last few months apart from a couple of new dresses, some Ugg-like sheepskin boots and a handbag.

December has not been the best month so far. Went to another convention intending to cosplay but somehow I never ended up doing so which was a bit disappointing. Some changes at work mean I'm really not looking forward to going back in the new year but at least its been a nice Christmas so far. i may have a bit more time on my hands so hopefully I will be able to update this more in 2018.

Handbags and Gladrags

Sorry I haven't updated this for a while but I have been quite busy with work this month and a couple of other things. For a quick update though, I spent all last night dressed while at a friend's birthday in a pub and once more I ended up changing in the train station toilet beforehand. I'm getting quite good at it now. I bought another dress today as well; black with flowers in different colours on it. Bit difficult to describe really.

I've been thinking about getting a handbag recently. It's something I didn't think I would consider but, as I've said earlier, it's been a bit like Pokemon at times. It's like I have to collect everything girly to complete the picture: proper shoes, boots, dresses, jewellery etc. Anyway, since I've been going out dressed I realise I often need something to put keys, wallet etc in (and I don't doubt it will fill up with sundry others over time). I have a small backpack for cons but I need something a little more nicer, prettier perhaps.

I'm not really the sort to carry a bag with just handles and I don't think it would look good on me. I think I need something with a strap and I've been coming back to the idea of a backpack again, perhaps in black or light blue. I've not really been one for backpacks, too easily stolen from, since I was at school some 25 years ago however small backpacks were quite a thing for girls in the 90s so they're something I do associate a little with femininity. On the other hand, I've seen a nice looking small shoulder bag with one of those big chunky zips that everything seems to have to have now that I like but I'm not sure of and I still keep leaning towards the backpack. I could by both after all I considered I might need something for best but then I know I wouldn't have any place to use it.

Some part of me though also wants to be a girl with a large handbag hooked over her arm marching down the road in heels. 

The Week in Crossdressing

Here are a couple of things I've noticed in the media this week.

The sitcom W1A returned this week for its third series and featured a cross-dressing footballer. For those unaware of this show, it stars Hugh Bonneville as BBC Head of Values Ian Fletcher trying to cope with various crises within the corporation and was a sequel to Twenty Twelve in which Fletcher was organising the London 2012 Olympics as Head of Olympic Deliverance.

Anyway, the plotline saw footballer Ryan Chelford raising a stink because, having revealed he was a crossdresser in a documentary, he thought that his subsequent rejection as a pundit for Match of the Day was due to this when in reality it was simply because he was boring. I've only seen this once but I admired how it was handled for the most part. Ryan didn't seem ashamed of his dressing and proudly showed off his wardrobe and favourite dresses in the snippet of the documentary we saw. When he finally did get his shot on MOTD he did it fully dressed in a black dress, tights, boots and make-up and although the tone was that of bemusement (plus I think he may not have kept his legs together as much as he could have) it could have been much worse and sneery. In the end, Ryan didn't seem ashamed of it and the BBC staff didn't really care that he was a crossdresser. The character is set to return this week so I may well come back to this.

Over to that cookery institution The Great British Bake-Off which appears to have survived the move from the BBC to Channel 4. Comedian Noel Fielding (mainly known for comedy duo The Mighty Boosh) is one of the new hosts and is well known for mixing up his wardrobe in a very Bowie/Bolan/glam rock kind of way. Last week he invoked the wrath of parents everywhere by presenting a link from inside a fridge while this week it was for wearing the same ice cream themed shirt as previously seen on YouTube star Zoella (may need to check with members of the young generation for that one). It was interesting to see some wonder if it was unisex as if that would make it more 'acceptable' for men to wear although it was confirmed as a blouse due to the buttons being on the left.

That's all the news that's fit to print, I'm Rita Skeeter.

Nails

About a year ago was the first time I started painting my nails. 

Having never been much into the make-up side of feminisation, it wasn't anything I had ever thought about until it was suggested to me by a friend who also gave me some bottles. In the last year it has afforded me another level of creativity. I've always been a bit creative, drawing a lot growing up and training in graphics and illustration (a career I was sadly never able to get into) and even doing some writing from time to time. 

I never expected to take to it like I did but I've done a lot of painting since in different shades, colours and themes and if I'm going out doing my nails has become an essential part (if I have enough notice).My favourite design at the moment is a Harley Quinn one - alternating black and red nails. As far as trends go, a few years back it was neon colours but now I notice that pastels are in and there is a trend for having one nail painted a different colour. 

Telling My Parents

I've had an interesting August (so far anyway) and I do mean to talk about the positive experiences I had at Nine Worlds a few weeks ago and it's perhaps because of those that led me to my present situation.

Last week I told my parents about my crossdressing, in fact I wore a skirt to visit them. I thought I was prepared for their reactions but I wasn't for all the questions about why I do it. In the end there were some reasonable points that I had considered myself but I have never come away feeling so ashamed of myself in all the years I've been doing this. So this week I've been processing that. I haven't dressed since. I'm still interested in it but I'm not sure I have the strength now.

July Update

Well, it's been quite a few weeks since I last posted and July's been a month that's gone by quite quickly. Bought some new clothes and even nearly gave the whole thing up.

Firstly, I went to a birthday drinks thing for a friend of mine and it's the first time I've dressed in public for quite a while. These days I do on most nights if I can and feel like it whether it's just putting on a dress and some leggings or maybe swapping out jeans for a skirt. Anyway, I was wearing a black dress with hearts on, tights and boots. As the night wore on I did begin to get really self conscious about it because sometimes no matter how great everyone is, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I'll never be like the girls in their pretty dresses on the dance floor and at that time I wish I hadn't bothered and just dressed like one of the guys. Of course, I realise that those wishes are not the same. While I may covert, say, a nice blue dress and black heels, I don't really wish to be dressed as the guys say in a red shirt, jeans and shoes. Nothing about the actual outfit, it's just a vote for conformity and a wish itself to blend back into the background and be 'normal'.

It didn't help that once I got home, after having had enough to drink, I fell down the stairs. Now, this isn't as bad as it sounds. It was only a few stairs but still left me injured enough to make sitting down for the next couple of weeks a bit hard plus i was going on holiday for a few days. There and then I wasn't sure if I would dress again. I've heard of a few people taking the 'scorch the earth' approach and getting rid of everything to do with their fantasies: clothes, captions, wigs, the lot. In the back of my mind I never truly thought I would take this approach but I was thinking about it quite a lot.

Once I got back I purchased a new dress, a Hell Bunny Land Girl dress. I've been wanting something Hell Bunny for a while now and a friend recommended this to me at the birthday drinks and said they thought it would suit me. I also bought some tights with seams up the back to compliment it although you can barely see it because of the length of the dress ( a bit too long for me actually). I also bought some black shoes (flats) which I've now worn twice and seem both too big and too small at the same time.

Last week I headed up north to another birthday party wearing the dress. While I felt better this time because I had a lot of friends around me, a bout of stomach ache early on in the evening caused me to sit by myself and internalise a bit. Going to the toilet has been a nervy experience in the past and someone did remark on me but to be honest I'm not sure how malicious it was as I was halfway out the door plus it was a pub and you have to expect drunken comments. Not one of my friends either. Just because people don't understand, it doesn't mean you are going to get set upon at every turn. I didn't end up travelling in the dress that time (I had a hotel room) but it was nice to do.

And so to earlier this week. Rarely will I change out of my work clothes to go out for drinks with friends mainly because I can't be arsed lugging around extra clothes and shoes however this time I needed a larger bag because the zip on my usual one had just broke. I had a book group to attend later that night so I considered changing. I took the clothes and was thinking about it all day. At the end of the day I headed to a nearby station, downed a half pint of liquid courage and headed to the toilets to change. It was quite a walk but worth it. The night went wonderfully. I wore my black Wednesday Addams dress with black tights and the flats. Some said it was very pretty and that I looked nice. Very uplifting so I will definitely see if I can do that again. Partly I was having the fantasy that I had just come from work dressed like that and I started to wonder what I would wear if I was allowed to.

Shopping Stories

I was in town at the weekend looking at dresses again. I'm getting braver with some of the bigger stores but I prefer the smaller, second hand stores. Not sure why, smaller maybe. Looking through the dresses, the guy behind the till called out "They won't suit you, mate." I didn't have much of a response mainly because I didn't hear him initially. This is the the most negative comment I've had come my way in a while and to be fair it was just a joke but it shook me a little. I still ended up buying a dress (held back until a different assistant was there though). Black with a white collar. A bit Wednesday Addams (which has now started me thinking about a Wednesday crossplay possibly mixed with a Harley Quinn). Had a lot of trouble actually doing the zip up at the back but it looks quite nice.

As I go on, it's suprising me a lot how many clothes have a 'sewn in' kind of feel with a zip or a button you need to open just to get into it. I guess after wearing men's clothes for so many years, I hadn't realised just how easy they are to put on. It shows I'm still learning new things. Sleeve length is another odd one too.

Anyway, there was one more thing I meant to mention which happened at the convention a few weeks ago. I was looking at some dresses at a stall (I was crossplaying at the time I add) when one of the assistants came over and asked if I wanted help with anything and that they had a changing room I could use if I wanted to. It was so wonderful just to be acknowledged that, as a man, I would be interested in not only making a purchase but for myself too.

Summer in the City

Well, It's been a hot couple of days. I'm not really one for the heat to be honest so I'm hoping it will cool down a bit. There was a piece in the paper the other day asking employers to relax the rules on men wearing suits to work in the heat and it even made a point of the fact that women are able to wear shorts, skirts and dresses. School uniforms even made the news as well allowing students to wear either shorts or skirts and girls to be let off wearing tights. I have to wonder if some schools would even accept boys in skirts although if they did, I doubt it would be with any seriousness and any boy doing so would probably just be thought of as mucking about by teachers never mind the jibes of your peers. To do so would take more bravery that I certainly had back in school.

Some many lovely summer dresses around this time of year, it would we wonderful to be allowed to wear one and a darn sight cooler too. Maybe things haven't changed that much, just the arenas.

It's also interesting to note that apparently a 'must have' swimsuit for women this year is one of a man's hairy chest.

June Update

As I've said before, I never really figured on revealing my crossdressing to anyone let alone my parents. I do want to tell my nephews and nieces as I feel they should know while growing up and that will involve my parents and...I still haven't done it. We all went out for a meal tonight and I did have thoughts of wearing a certain dress and it was something I really wanted to do. 

In the end I chickend out partially because of the whole travel thing but this is the first time I've had strong feelings that it's something I needed to do. Once I got home I put on a skirt.

I also saw a gorgeous girl on the train with a cold shoulder top on, a leather mini skirt, strappy heels and long blonde hair. I so wanted to be her in that moment. Curse of the hetero cross dresser; do I fancy the girl or just the outfit? 

Oh, I also bought a lovely short sleeved top last week, blue (because I'm so manly) with a white collar. Very nice, love it.  

May Update #2

A few things from the weekend: I crossplayed at the MCM Expo again, wearing my Star Trek dress and it seemed to go over just as well as it has done previously. I even had someone ask me to pose for some professional shots which was fun. It's always confidence boosting to have people ask you for photos and I had quite a few.  

Today was a Bank Holiday and I was at home so I dressed for the day. My green top with black spots and white collar and a black mini skirt I bought for cosplay. Oh and bright red nails and a heart necklace. Now, I rarely go for a walk in my home town dressed and in the past it's only been when I'm going up to the station but today I walked around the corner to the cornershop to get something to eat. May not sound like anything but I was a bit nervous since it was such a familiar place. Strangers are one thing but people know me round here although I would be prepared to go shopping like this although I'm a little wary for the odd reason that most of my clothes come from the second hand shops in town. In the end I also ended up walking back and forth to the car helping my housemate unload it. 

May Update

Wow! Three months just flies by doesn't it?

Ok, I honestly didn't mean to leave it that long before I posted but, truth be told, ever since I've been dressing and going out dressed more regularly it's not a big thing anymore to chronicle every little step I make or everything new I buy. Funnily enough, I do seem to be buying things once a week now. This is not to say that there is, um, nothing left to say. I still feel myself wanting to post on various topics and life in general as I still feel that there is plenty left to say. This isn't over for me by any means and I still feel that this is a journey. I'm still experimenting with looks and myself in general.

I can't recall actually going out dressed in the last few months but I have spent the odd day dressed (when I have a day off) rather than on the weekends or in the evenings when I come home from work. I'm still using it as a bit of a crutch; a way of escaping the day. So anyway, new clothes bought include a black and grey striped dress (which I love), black mini skirt (for cosplay), green and black polka-dotted top with Peter Pan collar, plain white top, purple top with flowers embroidered on and plaid mini skirt. The latter I was unsure of because its not exactly me and a bit chavvy/poor little rich girl although those are both looks I like. I discarded another dress for much the same reason. I still have a problem with dressing rooms although a few weeks ago, bold as brass, I took two dresses into one. Then again yesterday I felt a bit self conscious while out in Camden market and to be honest if there's any place which is likely to be cool with all types of people, it's Camden. Not been down there in many years though and I've always felt like I wasn't alternative enough for it which is a bit silly, I know.

Cosplay wise, I've had a bit of a boost recently as I may be getting some clothes made for me by a seamstress which will be nice because I've not been feeling that good about it since the end of last year. I have been meaning to elaborate on this further though. I've also been meaning to do a few more reviews of TG related film and TV including getting back to the Quantum Leap reviews.

Another thought: how come wearing shorts I don't mind having hairy legs but I feel the need to shave while wearing a skirt or dress. Is it just the aesthetic aspect? Shaving is probably for the best though.

Pause

So I had a bit of a moment today. 

I bought a new dress, black with green birds on it, which is all very nice but it's quite low cut and I didn't really notice before I tried it on. Seeing all that hair on my chest reminded me of what I am, of the stereotypical cross dresser. We may like to think we look super sexy in a hot dress but there are things that remind you that you're a hairy, misshapen lump in a piece of clothing not even designed for your gender but for some pretty young woman. 

I realise that this is easily remedied though; I can shave my body or put on a t-shirt (which is what I did and am in fact wearing at this moment) but I guess seeing myself like that brought it into sharp focus. I am considering taking it back but now I've worn it for a bit, plus the addition of a necklace, it's not so bad. I like a nice bit of neck space and I'm not considering breast forms anytime soon but I may watch out for more low cut stuff in future. 

For further clarification, for anyone that cares, I'm wearing the dress (white t-shirt underneath) with a pair of black leggings and a grey sparkly jumper. I've also painted my nails again and trying something new, light red with half painted in a darker red. Very nice and not chipped yet which is a first. Also bought some red lipstick recently. I've been thinking about trying some bright red lipstick for a while now and it looks nice but I still need more application practice. 

February Update

So anyway, Valentine's Day wasn't all that hot for me. The girl I was dating has said she just wants to be friends. It wasn't a great surprise to be honest but putting a full stop on it still hurts. I guess it's more the realisation that I've now got to start looking and dating again but at least I may get rid of some of my sexual hang-ups.

Of course, I also wonder about my crossdressing. What if I find a new partner and she can't stand it? The point I'm at now, I wonder whether I could give it up but if I really loved her then I guess I would. Better to have lived as I have been for a short while than not at all I guess. It's something that would have to be broached very carefully unless I actually meet someone while dressed or crossplaying which would be a relief. Then again, the crossplaying my be stopping as I've had second thoughts carrying on but I'll post about that at a later date. I've bought a new dress recently and I may have some occasions coming up where I can go out dressed again but I'm now wondering whether I should. I'm still in the mindset of grabbing every opportunity where I can rather than considering whether it's something I feel like doing. I've been wearing necklaces more and more too.

I've also been having something of a new fantasy recently. I'm with a girl, in a relationship, and she's making me dress plus giving me girly things I have to say or do in a kind of gentle domme way. For some reason she calls me Lucy.

Valentine's Day

St Valentine's Day is coming soon so here's a little tip from me.

Lots of guys will be shopping around for gifts for the missus so it won't exactly be that odd to see a man in the women's clothing section of a big clothes store, if you get my drift. A nice excuse to use. If anyone asks, that's all you need to tell them. Perhaps, by suprise, the missus just happens to be the same size as you. As I've said in the past, if you're heading for the changing room then it might be a good idea to mask the clothes you really want to try on with some shirts or something.

Using the changing rooms can be a bit daunting and it's something I'm still getting used to. If it's a unisex changing room though, you may get lucky and find that someone has left something in one of the cubicles which has happened to me a couple of times. Funnily enough, last Saturday was the most recent. I was trying on some jeans and found someone had left a nice top in there. Black with a flowered blouse below cut right up the back like a surgery gown. Quite popular in the summer a couple of years ago, I remember. Just my size too (a bit bigger actually). Didn't buy it, felt a bit funny with the split in the back, but nice to try on and see what it looked like.

Crutch

I'm beginning to wonder if I've been using dressing as a bit of a crutch recently. I've had a really bad couple of weeks at work and I've been finding that I've been wanting to dress more and more when I get home. Perhaps it's my way of escaping into a bit of a fantasy even though it's not really a fantasy by this point.

Just last week, I wore a wonderful dress to my own birthday drink. I had been looking forward to it for ages. I also bought another nice dress at the weekend.

It could be a sign that I'm getting more confident and that I'm progressing more and more. Not sure where it will lead but I'm looking forward to it. Summer is certainly going to be interesting. Perhaps I'm trying to claw back something of myself from the day.

Rather random thoughts, I know.

January Update

Well, it's a been a while since my last update. Nothing major has really happened but it's been an interesting few weeks.

Christmas was the usual family affair, always very enjoyable and relaxing few days. During the break between Christmas and the New Year I went out a couple of times for drinks with friends and even 'dressed' for it. One day I spent a sizable chunk actually getting ready. Bought a new pair of boots. Really nice black with a buckle on the side. The sort you see girls wearing that makes it look like they're just one size too big and look really nice when coupled with a dress and tights. I painted my nails again and although I still enjoy the look, it's getting to be a bit frustrating when it keeps coming off even with a coat of non-chip. Still, everything went fine with no major incidents and I got some nice compliments.

Now, New Year was meant to be a full circle for me as I was due to wear my lovely black dress to my friends' party. I was going to get new shoes and maybe try a bit more make-up proving to myself how far I had come in a year and achieved an ambition I never even knew I had. Alas, though the party was called off due to illness and troublesome facilities so it was a night in with a Marvel movie, various firework displays and Robbie Williams singing for some reason.

I've bought a couple of nice necklaces now as well and ran into a little bit of trouble while looking at belts in a second hand store when one of the assistants informed me that I was looking in womens' section and directed me to the mens'. Now, I could have made a fuss and indeed I've been mentally preparing for this sort of thing but to be honest I didn't see the worth in it and mumbled over to the mens section. She was a nice old lady only trying to help and of the many fights I could potentially face, this is not the hill I want to die on.

I've returned to work which is getting busier and more stressful by the day as I'm struggling to catch up. Last week though I saw my girlfriend and admitted my crossdressing to her and had a nice response. She's a little apprehensive although she admits it's because she really hasn't much experience of it and I'm wondering what the first time she sees me 'dressed' (probably in a few weeks) will be like. She's only the second person I think I've actually told; everyone else got the visual first. She sent me some nice texts the next day too. So that's basically where I am at the moment