Sunday, 2 October 2016

October Update

So, I've been meaning to update this for a while and as always it seems to slip away from me. 

September has been a bit of a lean month for me money-wise with changes in my payment structure so I've had to make a conscious effort to save which means no money for new clothes. I'm thinking about more shoes now and perhaps more experiments with make-up. I would love some more dresses, tops and at least one more black skirt. Work has also been crazy busy recently and I'm feeling more and more overwhelmed as the days go by. There's also the thought at the back of my head that I'm going to end up in real trouble one day

No more trips out dressed although I expect to have some this month and it may get a bit hectic. I also need to get a couple of my dresses repaired at some point. Just a couple of bits of sewing needed. I usually take things to my mum but that's out for various reasons and any knowledge I did have from school has now been forgotten but I wouldn't trust myself to do it anyway. Still, I am considering learning. 

My latest experience seems to have made me more convicted, if anything. I've always said that I needed to allow myself to look at clothes in a different way and I'm certainly doing that now. I keep noticing outfits and clothes I like and there's no hesitation at all. I now get a pang in my chest when I think about it and I get excited. Not nerves or dread but something more. It's becoming something I need to do. This is still a work in progress of course, I'm still developing my style and my feelings are ever changing. I went into some shops today and couldn't help but feel self-conscious, like everyone was looking at me like I was some kind of deviant, for want of a better word. It didn't stop me looking but I certainly felt like all eyes were upon me. One tip is to stick to the jewellery section though, people think you're looking for a present for someone. I've started wearing my leggings a lot and they seem to make me feel more relaxed when I wear them with a skirt so I may be doing that more. 

It feels odd being so out in the open, to most people anyway, now.  

Saturday, 17 September 2016

After a Week

So, it's been a weird week.

After what happened last weekend, I just kept throwing it all over in my mind, trying to work things out. For example, why I felt so bad this time rather than a couple of months ago. I think at that time it was a nice sunny day in a small area and I had gotten used to the situation, the people and general vibe (plus had drunk quite a bit) whereas last week it was raining and I had a lot more angst since I had to travel and wasn't sure how I would be received even though I was among friends. I still felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and in most of the photos I look miserable. I guess it was still a positive experience all told though and it would be easier if I tried it again.

I keep thinking about the girl I'm seeing at the moment. I think she may be ok with it but there's a world of difference between crossplay and dressing. Time was I could have left it but now it may be harder to put the genie back in the bottle. Apologies if I'm repeating myself.

On something newer though, I painted my nails for the first time today. Seems a bit strange looking down and seeing them painted but overall I like it. I think body shaving, certainly my arms, is the next step. Looking down and seeing a hairy arm doesn't do you much favours when trying to go girly.

Sunday, 11 September 2016

The Path of Least Resistance

In what looks like to be another of my what-happend-next style of posting, I better reveal what happened at the party I went to recently. As you know, I was in a quandary about what to do, whether to take this moment of opportunity or choose the path of least resistance. I was procrastinating about it all day and even a little liquid courage did nothing to bolster me further.

Now, the outfit I was considering was basically a t-shirt (male), denim skirt, black tights (later unfortuntly laddered) and my usual trainers. Very simple. As time ticked down, I thought I would just put the skirt on just to see how I felt in it and...actually left the house in it. Now, you may think the opposite from the blog title but this kind of typified my inner struggle plus I think it made a better title. So I took the journey, about an hour or so, to the pub the party was being held in. I think I got some looks but I could just be paranoid. It did help having my ipod on too. The rain however did not help.

So a good night right? Well, a bit of a setback for some reason I was in a foul mood most of the night, angry at myself, my own procrastination and still feeling very self conscious. Nobody minded though and the only person who said anything was me. It was even broadcast live on social media. I had some great discussions with some of the women there though and someone even lent me some nail polish to try it out which has excited me a little, trying out someone's own colour. Despite a positive experience, it has left me a little hesitant to do it again for a while and to be honest I almost wish I had worn my trousers that night and just blended in. I may have enjoyed the party more. Still, it's another step at least.

Friday, 9 September 2016


I've been thinking about another public outing recently but this time I'm a little more hesitant.

I'm due to go to a party in a pub in London in a few days time most of the people there will be friends, an I was considering wearing a skirt. Hell, I spent at least an hour on the underground in a dress so it can't be hard right?

So why am I so hesitant? Well, despite everything, I've always been quite shy, bit of an introvert, and in fact it's fascinating to me that God or fate or whoever saw fit to give me these feelings which, If I decided to act on them and stay true to myself, puts me in the spotlight. Lights me up for everyone so I can't crawl into the background. If I want to. If I follow through.

I know I'll end up answering the same questions and replying to the same comments all night if I do and I don't know if it's worth the hassle. Might be better just to have a trouble free night but am I taking a backwards step if I do? Or maybe I'm just shooting a bit too high for now.

Saturday, 20 August 2016

Nine Worlds 2016

Ok, so I got back from the convention last weekend and I really enjoyed it.

Even though I was sad that some of my friends couldn't make it, it was still a blast and one of the best cons I've been to for years. Of course, if you're reading this I expect you want to know about the cosplay. Well, my nerve has gotten greater with each passing year. Didn't do it for the first year and only managed a quick one on the Sunday the second but this year I had three planned. The first I didn't do in the end which would have been Castiel from Supernatural (no crossplay) but because I didn't have the correct coat and would have been a bit hot in three layers. Still might do it at some point though. I ended up with one that has the merest suggestion of Wash from Firefly.

So anyway, on the Saturday out came my Star Trek dress and the boots and it was as brilliant as I hoped it would be. I initially had a blue wig and I did mean to go for a whole 'blue haired alien babe' vibe but I got a bit tired of it after a while and since I wasn't playing a proper character so decided to ditch the wig and felt all the better for it. In a way, I felt a bit of a fangirl, like this was a proper thing a fangirl would wear to a on rather than just being a costume. It was a nice feeling.

On Sunday, the blue wig returned, luckily, because my purple one has started going bald! Today I went as a Hogwarts schoolgirl from Harry Potter. This was an old costume left over from when a bunch of us dressed as teen Nymphadora Tonks for a party. Bought myself a Hufflepuff headband and a cute necklace to add to it too. This too went down well and I got a lot of good comments simply for the effort.

Luckily the girl I'm dating, who was also there in crossplay at one point, was OK with it. As for anything outside cosplay, I left it for now although I did bring a denim skirt with me. As I've said before, cosplay is one thing but admitting you dress outside of that is another matter altogether so I've put that on the backburner for now. So, all in all, a fun weekend and quite a boost.  

Sunday, 7 August 2016

Running and Walking

Suffered a bit of a setback today. My mum saw a photograph of me last weekend and I had to bluff my way out of it. For a moment I thought I was going to have the courage to tell her but I bottled it. Perhaps I'm not as strong now as I thought.  I also brought it up with the girl I'm seeing as she's going to be seeing me in crossplay soon anyway and she kind of laughed it off. Not the full story mind, cosplaying is one thing but outside of that is another.

Should I ever tell my mum though? Maybe I should just keep it hidden, might be the best for everybody but then again it is becoming much more of a thing in my life. A few years ago, if I had to give it up for my partner then I probably would have done but nowadays I'm not so sure I could. I've explored this side of myself a lot lately and have started to make my peace with it. To go back to nothing could be a bit of a blow. I guess nothing's really changed over the last day but that's just the way I'm feeling.


Well, I've now taken my first foray into female footwear.

I needed a pair of knee length boots for a cosplay but I've been out of luck due to size. Yesterday, however, I did find a pair in a much smaller size than I thought although I did feel an obligation to buy even if they hadn't fit because I'm sure I felt something rip although no damage done on closer inspection when I got them home. Luckily they fit wonderfully, I tried them on with my costume and it just looks awesome.

Size can be quite odd, as I've found out. Even with men's shoes I think I have pairs in about three different sizes but at least I have something to measure it against now. I don't think I'll start on the high heels just (if at all) but a pair of ankle boots or court shoes, maybe even some Mary Janes would be nice.

I have been getting more confident after last week and I've also wondered if I've influenced anyone the way I was as a youngster. Just seeing one person dressed differently can influence others. That's why I started this blog; to put across my experiences and let others know that they're not alone in these feelings like I wish I would have read when I was younger. I wonder if any of the kids at the party, after seeing me, realise they can dress outside of gender boundary's if they wish, that it's ok.