Saturday, 20 August 2016

Nine Worlds 2016

Ok, so I got back from the convention last weekend and I really enjoyed it.

Even though I was sad that some of my friends couldn't make it, it was still a blast and one of the best cons I've been to for years. Of course, if you're reading this I expect you want to know about the cosplay. Well, my nerve has gotten greater with each passing year. Didn't do it for the first year and only managed a quick one on the Sunday the second but this year I had three planned. The first I didn't do in the end which would have been Castiel from Supernatural (no crossplay) but because I didn't have the correct coat and would have been a bit hot in three layers. Still might do it at some point though. I ended up with one that has the merest suggestion of Wash from Firefly.

So anyway, on the Saturday out came my Star Trek dress and the boots and it was as brilliant as I hoped it would be. I initially had a blue wig and I did mean to go for a whole 'blue haired alien babe' vibe but I got a bit tired of it after a while and since I wasn't playing a proper character so decided to ditch the wig and felt all the better for it. In a way, I felt a bit of a fangirl, like this was a proper thing a fangirl would wear to a on rather than just being a costume. It was a nice feeling.

On Sunday, the blue wig returned, luckily, because my purple one has started going bald! Today I went as a Hogwarts schoolgirl from Harry Potter. This was an old costume left over from when a bunch of us dressed as teen Nymphadora Tonks for a party. Bought myself a Hufflepuff headband and a cute necklace to add to it too. This too went down well and I got a lot of good comments simply for the effort.

Luckily the girl I'm dating, who was also there in crossplay at one point, was OK with it. As for anything outside cosplay, I left it for now although I did bring a denim skirt with me. As I've said before, cosplay is one thing but admitting you dress outside of that is another matter altogether so I've put that on the backburner for now. So, all in all, a fun weekend and quite a boost.  

Sunday, 7 August 2016

Running and Walking

Suffered a bit of a setback today. My mum saw a photograph of me last weekend and I had to bluff my way out of it. For a moment I thought I was going to have the courage to tell her but I bottled it. Perhaps I'm not as strong now as I thought.  I also brought it up with the girl I'm seeing as she's going to be seeing me in crossplay soon anyway and she kind of laughed it off. Not the full story mind, cosplaying is one thing but outside of that is another.

Should I ever tell my mum though? Maybe I should just keep it hidden, might be the best for everybody but then again it is becoming much more of a thing in my life. A few years ago, if I had to give it up for my partner then I probably would have done but nowadays I'm not so sure I could. I've explored this side of myself a lot lately and have started to make my peace with it. To go back to nothing could be a bit of a blow. I guess nothing's really changed over the last day but that's just the way I'm feeling.

Boots!

Well, I've now taken my first foray into female footwear.

I needed a pair of knee length boots for a cosplay but I've been out of luck due to size. Yesterday, however, I did find a pair in a much smaller size than I thought although I did feel an obligation to buy even if they hadn't fit because I'm sure I felt something rip although no damage done on closer inspection when I got them home. Luckily they fit wonderfully, I tried them on with my costume and it just looks awesome.

Size can be quite odd, as I've found out. Even with men's shoes I think I have pairs in about three different sizes but at least I have something to measure it against now. I don't think I'll start on the high heels just (if at all) but a pair of ankle boots or court shoes, maybe even some Mary Janes would be nice.

I have been getting more confident after last week and I've also wondered if I've influenced anyone the way I was as a youngster. Just seeing one person dressed differently can influence others. That's why I started this blog; to put across my experiences and let others know that they're not alone in these feelings like I wish I would have read when I was younger. I wonder if any of the kids at the party, after seeing me, realise they can dress outside of gender boundary's if they wish, that it's ok.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Summer Party 2

OK, so carrying on from yesterday, the short answer is that I wore the dress.

I wasn't sure if I was going to do it on the day but as time wore on, I shaved my legs and stuffed the dress and some tights in my bag. I wore my normal clothes for most of the day and until I had enough alcohol. The bottom line is that everything was ok. The world is still here.

Most people commented "oh you've changed" and I got some compliments about how nice it was and how I wore it. Only one person asked why I was wearing it. I should add that I never bought a necklace or a bag and only had trainers on (it was fairly informal). One of the younger girls there, about eight years old I think, did say "that boy is dressed as a girl and he mother added, and I will never forget this, "No, that person is dressed as a person." Overall, I really enjoyed myself and at least I know I might be able to do it again.

I had a couple of hours journey ahead of me and I could have changed back but by now I was so confident I just kept the dress on. Didn't matter in the end. No-one said anything although that may have been due to the time of night. So cool as well. I think in the end you just have to walk with confidence.

So yes, that was my weekend and one I doubt I will forget in a long time.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Summer Party

So, over the last month or so I've been thinking about wearing a dress to my friends' wedding vow renewal. This also meant possibly getting new shoes, handbag and I was considering a necklace.

Now, I know that my friends will be cool with it but there was someone else going to be there ironically someone I've known a lot longer and who has seen me do crossplay but then this is different. This is full on admitting I crossdress. It's an odd problem I've found that sometimes a stranger or acquaintance is easier to open up to than someone I've known for a number of years. To say that I'm worried about ever telling my parents goes without saying (and I doubt I ever will, to be honest) but what about my best friend of 20+ years? I don't want to make things difficult and although I think he would be cool with it, something like this does change a relationship. 

Talking of relationships, I may have a new one on the horizon. A friend set me up with a friend of his girlfriend and it's only been one sort-of date but we've been talking and we should hopefully be going out sometime next week. To be honest, she's one of the brighter spots in my life recently with the possibility of redundancies looming at work this week. It's too early to know whether she will be cool with this, although we did have a short conversation about drag queens, but it's still a bit early for discussions like this and to have me in a dress tagged and plastered over social media and the inevitable explanation to my parents. 

So, I pretty much decided not to do it and to make my peace with myself over it...until I had drinks with a friend a few days ago and through circumstances I ended up talking about all this. I'm not sure I've ever opened up about this in such a way before or even openly admitted it. Wasn't even all that drunk either which is a little worrying. She was encouraging me to do it, even saying I could bring the dress with me and change in her room if I wanted. This got me thinking about it again and whether I should go ahead. 

The party was yesterday...and I'll leave it there for now.  


Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Shorts and Dress

I forgot to mention a couple of other pieces of clothing I bought recently, namely a pair of leggings (first time I've bought a par) and a pair of flippy shorts. Really like the shorts, wearing them right now in fact and I might continue throughout the summer.

Anyway, I have an event coming up fairly soon. I have some friends renewing their wedding vows and I'm considering wearing my new black dress. Rather excited by the thought actually. So should I just wear it or go full girlie with wigs and make-up and stuff? I think I'll have to wear tights with it and buy some appropriate shoes plus a handbag (no pockets and I need to have money and my phone and stuff near me).

The only trouble is that the dress has no unfortunately got a couple of holes in it due to the intricate embroidery on the top. While it fits well, it's not the easiest to get on and off which is how I think it got torn. In fact I tried it on again today and spent a while trying to take it off without tearing it further. Sounds like a subject for a TG caption doesn't it? Stuck in a dress. Maybe I could try and get it repaired or cover it up with a coat or cardigan or something. Ooh I might need one of those too. Not sure if I'll go through with this but it will be fun to see.

Monday, 4 July 2016

July Update

My mood has a horrible habit of shifting with each passing week. I really enjoy my Saturdays shopping, even more so since I started buying more clothes. I don't think I realised before how much its opened up my world although I swear that one of the shops has started applying 'men' and 'women' labels to their racks especially for me (ok, so I'm exaggerating for self-deprecation purposes here).

Some weeks I feel really good about myself but others I just feel really down, like what I'm doing is somehow seedy and unacceptable. I wonder if it would be better if I just put the genie back in the bottle and never dress again for the rest of my life. Would it affect me? Could I live without it? Maybe a few years exploring it is fine but somehow it just keeps coming back up. I should be glad to be living in a free country where I can fully explore it (well, within reason. I would still fear going out dressed) and in this year, which has taken so many people from us, I am feeling that I should live my life more the way I want to as it's so short. Too short to be afraid.

I did buy some more clothes over the weekend using up an old voucher. Such a wonderful black evening dress, looks gorgeous and fits well. I would love a place to wear it to. I do worry that I'm getting more clothes with no place to put them or even to wear them too. At least putting together a cosplay outfit means it will be seen. This almost feels like a useless hobby.

I even had a dream last night. I was wearing a dress, big poofy thing with big sleeves and a long skirt and I was constantly running from people trying to find some place to hide, feeling ever more embarrassed. Now, according to various dream interpretations, crossdressing in dreams for men means that you need to get more in touch with your feminine side (and on the flip side getting in touch with your masculine side if a woman dreams of crossdressing) but I think maybe for me its a more literal interpretation.