Sex and Sexuality

I remember a very specific time when I was about 16 floating in a swimming pool thinking about girls and deciding that as I get older I will understand them more and perhaps actually begin to fancy them. I thought that the knowledge would come with time and it never did. I was a bit of a late bloomer and by college I think I must have fancied near enough every girl in there at one point or another. Not that I got anywhere though.

While gender has always fascinated me, I've never really had the chance to explore my sexuality. As mentioned before, I'm straight and happy with my current gender. I have never really had the desire to be a girl, only dress like one on occasion. I can't say I've ever fitted in with either gender. I'm not a manly man into football, birds and booze and those kind of guys and discussions do make me uncomfortable and I can't say that talking with girls make me feel any less socially awkward. I seem to walk in two worlds yet belong to neither. A T Girl friend of mine always said that she preferred hanging out and talking to girls, it made her feel more feminine when she was at school. There were a couple of times at college I was eating my lunch and it was just me and a group of girls in the classroom. Somehow the conversation always got onto useless men and I ended up just trying to finish and get out of there.

The first time I was in college it was the late 1990s and two items of female clothing really took with me. Gradation jumpers and lines t-shirts.

Gradation Jumper

Teacher's Lines T-Shirt

I remember hearing another guy talk about the jumpers too which cheered me up - until I found out he was gay and it made me wonder about myself. As I said, I was young at the time and of course being a crossdresser doesn't mean that you're gay and vice versa. Not every gay man wants to dress up in drag and perform on stage, these are just stereotypes.

Now, not to go into too much detail but I have never enjoyed much of a love life although I have at least been on a few dates and lost my virginity (just). I saw the film The 40 Year Old Virgin the other week and I love how Steve Carrell's character  is portrayed not as a geeky man child Mr Bean like character but just as someone who it just never happened to and of course over time it makes you more nervous. I've also never really had the chance to explore my fetishes with a partner so who knows it could make things better. Never really had the chance to be a sexual being either and I wonder if it's too late now. I have been thinking about internet dating recently and it was during a discussion with a friend that he admitted some girls have complained that I stare at their breasts. This has horrified me and made me ever more nervous as I've never thought about myself as that sort of guy and now it's something I can't get out of my head. I rarely look people on the eye anyway, maybe it's been misinterpreted although I'm probably just making excuses.

I've recently put up a Dalek poster on my wall too. It's a nice picture and I wanted something to cheer up the blank and bland walls. What if I bring a girl back? What would she think? It never crossed my mind until recently that she could look at it and think it was the coolest thing ever. I used to think that I would get married in my early twenties like my dad and that it would mean compromising things but now I know a lot of couples in great relationships and that's what I want now.

And just maybe there's a perfect geeky girl out there who would love to see me in a skirt...