Sex and Sexuality

I remember a very specific time when I was about 16 floating in a swimming pool thinking about girls and deciding that as I get older I will understand them more and perhaps actually begin to fancy them. I thought that the knowledge would come with time and it never did. I was a bit of a late bloomer and by college I think I must have fancied near enough every girl in there at one point or another. Not that I got anywhere though.

While gender has always fascinated me, I've never really had the chance to explore my sexuality. As mentioned before, I'm straight and happy with my current gender. I have never really had the desire to be a girl, only dress like one on occasion. I can't say I've ever fitted in with either gender. I'm not a manly man into football, birds and booze and those kind of guys and discussions do make me uncomfortable and I can't say that talking with girls make me feel any less socially awkward. I seem to walk in two worlds yet belong to neither. A T Girl friend of mine always said that she preferred hanging out and talking to girls, it made her feel more feminine when she was at school. There were a couple of times at college I was eating my lunch and it was just me and a group of girls in the classroom. Somehow the conversation always got onto useless men and I ended up just trying to finish and get out of there.

The first time I was in college it was the late 1990s and two items of female clothing really took with me. Gradation jumpers and lines t-shirts.

Gradation Jumper

Teacher's Lines T-Shirt

I remember hearing another guy talk about the jumpers too which cheered me up - until I found out he was gay and it made me wonder about myself. As I said, I was young at the time and of course being a crossdresser doesn't mean that you're gay and vice versa. Not every gay man wants to dress up in drag and perform on stage, these are just stereotypes.

Now, not to go into too much detail but I have never enjoyed much of a love life although I have at least been on a few dates and lost my virginity (just). I saw the film The 40 Year Old Virgin the other week and I love how Steve Carrell's character  is portrayed not as a geeky man child Mr Bean like character but just as someone who it just never happened to and of course over time it makes you more nervous. I've also never really had the chance to explore my fetishes with a partner so who knows it could make things better. Never really had the chance to be a sexual being either and I wonder if it's too late now. I have been thinking about internet dating recently and it was during a discussion with a friend that he admitted some girls have complained that I stare at their breasts. This has horrified me and made me ever more nervous as I've never thought about myself as that sort of guy and now it's something I can't get out of my head. I rarely look people on the eye anyway, maybe it's been misinterpreted although I'm probably just making excuses.

I've recently put up a Dalek poster on my wall too. It's a nice picture and I wanted something to cheer up the blank and bland walls. What if I bring a girl back? What would she think? It never crossed my mind until recently that she could look at it and think it was the coolest thing ever. I used to think that I would get married in my early twenties like my dad and that it would mean compromising things but now I know a lot of couples in great relationships and that's what I want now.

And just maybe there's a perfect geeky girl out there who would love to see me in a skirt...

Fashionista #2

Ok, so...

Due to the Olympics there's been a lot of patriotic clothing around with 'Team GB' and the Union Jack on.

Team GB T-shirt

I love the little lion symbol and our 'Pride the Lion' mascot is certainly better than the official ones although obviously you couldn't have anything as nationalistic as that to be the official mascot. It will be interesting to see how much of this patriotic style remains in a few months once the games have been forgotten. Another thing I've noticed is the rise in leggings with the flag, and not just the British one, on them stretching down the side.

Flaggings: UK Style!

Flaggings - USA style!

Of course with the sun out there are plenty of sunglasses around and not the big black Victoria Beckham ones either but cheap, very 80s looking ones with neon rims. The 80s still seem to be in at least. Also rising in popularity are the Pussy Bow blouse and the round collar blouse. I didn't like the latter when it first started getting popular but now it's growing on me. Still not sure if it's the sort of thing I would wear though. Maybe, but it looks quite cute especially with the outfit below.

The Round Collared Blouse

I've seen some wonderful outfits recently too, for example a woman looking a bit like a rock chick with a shock of blonde hair wearing a band t-shirt, fashion jacket, skinny jeans and fake leopardskin high heels. So stylish.  Lastly, there are the shorts. Cut off denim shorts with the pockets pulled through although, unlike the picture below, I've seen quite a few pockets painted with different designs like, and I'm sensing a theme here, flags.

Jean Shorts with pockets pulled through

  
Since I saw this picture I've also noticed that studs have been creeping in to clothing. I saw some on a few jackets recently. Very bad-ass.

When I was talking about posting some caps before, Alectra suggested having caps added as part of the theme of whatever I was talking about and sinceI sourced this picture here to do a cap I thought I would share. This was done for the Haven's teen dream Totalditz since she did a similar post over at Tis My Life - OMG!

Laters!

New Shorts (2012)

Olympics #2

Well, the Olympics have been over here for about a week now and everything's more or less back to normal.

The travel wasn't too bad in the end although it was mainly the helpers that got on my nerves. Now, don't get me wrong I would be glad to see so many people leading the way if I was a stranger in a strange land but since it was just a normal working fortnight for me I slipped into haughty commuter mode. I resented being herded about and asked if I knew where I was going by people younger than me. This must be what being a pensioner feels like. Before some cordons were put up they were all holding hands to guide us around the station. What made it weirder was that I was wearing a suit so I don't see why people thought I had come from the Olympics anyway. At least they put on a lot of extra trains and I used to walk over to Hyde Park in my lunch hour to see what was on. I expect come the winter I'll look back on it with fondness

Still, you can't deny the wonderful sense of national pride that it's brought about which is something virtually heard of in this country except in extremist organisations. It's become such a national event and a real pick-me-up for people. I've known people that are not that into sport but have got wrapped up in it all. I even went to see the closing ceremony up on a big screen in the middle of town. Yeah, that wasn't too hot I have to admit.

Just a quick note on the mascots. I've read up on all the thinking that went into them, the designs and names etc. and it all makes sense in a weird way but sadly I still hold the same opinion.

The First Time

Looking back at my two years on the Haven, here's a little blast from the past.

The first two captions I posted.

This was for the August 2010 caption competition which had the subject of Group Shot

Teenage House Party (2010)

This was the first trade cap I ever posted and it was for the lovely Totalditz. 

Exam Results (2010)

Anniversary

Hey everyone,

I've been meaning to post before now, there's another Olympics rant I wanted to have plus another Fashionista and I will do that at some point over the next few days. Hopefully.

I didn't want to miss today out though because it's my second anniversary as a member of Rachel's Haven. The Haven has helped me more than anything else to come to terms with my crossdressing and gender issues. There is such a great mix of people there from those who transition, are close to transitioning, to those that crossdress or enjoy certain fetishes.

Before I joined, I used to hang around chatrooms and do roleplays or else try to trick people into dressing me up or something like that. A T-girl friend of mine got tired of chatting with me, not altogether just in that kind of roleplay, because I wasn't a challenge. I even went into lesbian chatrooms a few times for cybersex. It did give me a little rush to know that I fooled people into thinking I was a girl but I felt really bad about it. Doing all this just to feed a fetish, I hated myself. I joined the Sissy School website forum which was a nice place but just not for me. I recall one thread about freezing and then eating your own cum which left a, er, nasty taste in my mouth.

Rachel's Haven is such a wonderful fast and funny place, it's become one of the websites I must check every day. I never thought I would get into captioning though and since them I've created some wonderful stories and still enjoy the whole process. Perhaps it's the regular exposure to TG that's helping me with my own issues.

If I'm like this after two years, who knows what another two may bring.
       

Whither Cap Blog?

When I started this blog I said that it was not going to be a cap blog.

I set out with the intention of blogging about the girlier aspects of my life in an attempt to understand them better but lately I've been thinking about some of the other Haven bloggers out there and the wonderful stuff that they do. Now, I couldn't really do a cap blog because I can barely find the time to do my capback list and the super secret list of people I want to cap plus I like having a set of rules to follow. Someone's personal preferences or a list of pictures to inspire me.

However there are some things that I feel I can't explore and oddly enough it sometimes comes down to having to include a TG change. I like a lot of personality change too like the Role Exchanger series and wish I could explore it more often.

So maybe I might start doing the odd new cap just for here and I also might start putting some old ones up. My personal favourites or maybe some that never got a lot of love at the time. I still haven't really started what I wanted to do with this blog.

More to come soon, it's just been a bit manic this week.