Check-Up #32

Well I've had an eventful weekend. 

I thought the worse it would be get when I inadvertently freaked out a sales girl in a shop while looking at make-up. Ok so I think that may be an overly dramatic way of putting what was basically an awkward moment in a shop. I have been looking at make-up more but I think it's something you either need to have started early or have an interest in as it's a bit overwhelming how much choice there is. What I would like is for someone to help me a bit - which is exactly what someone did. I must have looked a bit lost but then a single man in the make-up section of a shop is probably a weird thing. She asked me if I wanted help...and I said no out of both surprise and nerves. I thought about that for the rest of the day. 

The rest of the day didn't exactly go according to plan either and I only mention it because I went to see a comedian and, like a lot of social engagements, it was an excuse for me to dress so I was excited about it and had been looking forward to it all week. It had been a very testing week at work as well. First off some train delays had set me a little off kilter and left me with little time to get something to eat. Ended up feeling a bit lonely sitting in a bar on my own and seeing everyone meet-up. I must also emphasise at this point that I loved how I looked. I had a red dress on and a lilac jacket with some bright pink nails. I felt really happy with it and a while ago I passed a point where it just all felt so natural to me. I had also spent a good hour or so shaving my body (of which there wasn't much on show in the end) and that coupled with painting my nails was a lot of prep work for little result. I suppose it was just my own standards. 

So anyway onto toilets, The show finished and it was very enjoyable. Now this is a very LGBTQ+ friendly area of London and they did have some gender neutral toilets which I decided to give a try. Given the choice I usually still choose the gents as I'm a little more comfortable in there now unless there's a single neutral cubicle. All went ok until I heard a woman outside surprised she saw a man, then discovered the toilets were neutral and basically gave a sigh or what sounded like an oral eye roll. Suddenly I got a bit nervous about leaving the cubicle as wearing a dress would probably make it worse. In case you were wondering, no, I'm not still there but I did pluck up the courage to leave after a few minutes and it thankfully passed without incident. 

And now to Sunday. So I've avoided talking to my parents about my dressing ever since I tried for the first time a few years ago. I asked my mum if she wouldn't mind repairing a dress for me and it led to a whole conversation about it which left me feeling a bit uncomfortable. The main thing was she asked me if I wish I had been born a girl. The only answer I had was 'sometimes'. It's something I've never figured out. I know it's harder for them to understand and I wish I had never started the conversation now. Perhaps my confidence in this isn't as strong as I thought. I have hope it will be ok in the end or at least reach a tolerable level.