Check-Up #31

So I've not been having that good a time recently. My job is just getting worse and worse at the moment and I'm considering resigning. Not sure what I'll do otherwise but I hope I would find somewhere. I think I'm in a marginally better place than I was when I was last unemployed about a decade ago. 

Crossdressing does seem to be one thing I can enjoy though but summer can be hard especially with all this body hair needing attention. I have managed to feel a bit better about it this year though by wearing long dresses and maxi skirts. At least I don't feel quite as bad. Bought a lovely black pleated maxi skirt recently and it fits like a dream. I also have a cute Batman handbag which has the look of Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman outfit from Batman Returns coupled with a logo and cute bat ears on top. One thing I thought of after I wrote my last blog is how brave I can be sometimes. One event I went to recently took place in the top room of a pub which was crammed with football fans watching the Euros and I was quite please I managed to fight my way (not literally) to the room and back down again a couple of times for drinks all without incident. Even had a lovely compliment on my nails from the barmaid when I went back a few weeks later. 

I did go to a convention a couple of weeks ago. Not in cosplay again but I ended up wearing a skirt. Cosplay is one of those things I run hot and cold about these days. There's so much I want to do but I'm also hit by this feeling that I'm just not good enough when there are others that do it so much better. I think I also prefer being in a group than on my lonesome again. Summer can be a hard time especially with all the pretty dresses and summer outfits about and I still have to wear a suit most days. In fact I will be going on a trip with some of my work colleagues abroad and there is going to be a big party so of course everyone is talking about what they want to wear. This has generally put me in a bad mood as I wasn't particularly keen on going anyway but knowing that I'll just have to wear my usual suit in a different country is just depressing. On the upside I think it proves growth because it wouldn't have been an issue for me a decade ago. 

Make-up can be very intimidating although I did see a video last night which reduces it to the basics for MTF crossdressers which is nice. I did try some eyeshadow tonight, don't think it turned out that well. The whole discourse around trans people doesn't exactly help either with self confidence. 

I used to think a lot about suicide and to be honest I still do. When you're young you think of ending it all just to spite people and make them miss you because of whatever crisis is going on (or at least I did anyway, I know everyone has different circumstances) but when you get older and more people have passed away you realise that this is it. Nothing (unless you believe in an afterlife). Back in my old job i would occasionally need to climb up racking to get boxes and I used to wonder what would happen if I just dropped but then the survival instinct kicks in and I knew I didn't really want to die. It's hard going on sometimes. I've come to the conclusion now that I don't want to die. I think. 

Check-Up #30

So what have I been up to recently then? Not much really but life still continues and I'm still doing much the same as I always did.  

I've bought some new cosplay outfits most of which fit but there are a couple I've been trying to return for a couple of months which sadly don't so I'm hoping to either get a refund or a larger size. Always seems to be the Harley Quinn ones too which is a shame. I do have some more Doctor Who stuff too. Coincidentally the only convention I've been to recently I didn't feel like dressing for although I did earlier in the year. I also bought a new Hell Bunny dress and a couple of yellow summery ones as well as a lovely velvety green one with long sleeves and a pleated skirt. Part of the reason for this may or may not be a slight split that happened when I tried it on. I also bought a pink jacket earlier in the year (bonus content - one screwed up tissue and one pencil) which makes three pink jackets of various sizes but this time I've actually worn it. Usually I wear a normal overcoat when I go out dressed because more often than not it's cold and/or wet plus it also gives me the opportunity to hide my outfit. On one occasion though I wore this jacket and it made me stupidly happy to see myself in a complete femme outfit. 

One night a few weeks ago I was asked by a friend at a social evening how I decide what to wear when I come out. Now often these evenings are after work so I come in my usual office wear of shirt and trousers but every so often I do bring clothes to change into with me and when I do this, much like travelling with The Doctor, you have to factor in time and space. I've got changing time down quite well over the years and it's usually the place I have an issue with so most times I end up in a public toilet struggling to put tights on. There is a nice unisex toilet at work though which I can literally walk out of, round a corner and out into the street...which I never use. It's a big building so of course I'm not going to run into anyone from my office - apart from all the close shaves I've had over the years. So now it's normally a train station somewhere. For an easy life I could just decide not to do it but this sort of life is seldom easy and you need to work at it if you want to achieve any sense of feeling euphoria or even that it's worth doing. Sometimes I feel it's the only thing keeping me going. It's constantly on my mind and on some occasions feels like denying it hurts so much. I have noticed I become almost a different person when I do though. My body language changes too and I'm not afraid to leaning into femininity a bit more. 

So my more condensed answer to the question was that it depended on my mood that day and sometimes the event as I usually decide on the outfit and pack a bag the night before so I know what I'm doing. I still feel nervous about it but most times I tell myself that I'll feel worse if I don't do it.   

The Week in Crossdressing #7

 Ok so I thought I would just talk about a couple of things that happened on the TV this week.

Firstly, Inside No.9 returned for its 9th and final series with the episode Boo to a Goose. If you're unfamiliar with this show it's an anthology of half hour stories in the vein of The Twilight Zone but with a more horror comedy edge. Created, written by and starring Steve Pemberton (now smashing it on the current series of Taskmaster) and Reece Shearsmith, who were also part of The League of Gentlemen comedy troupe, all episodes take place in a 'Number 9' be it a house, flat, train carriage or even a pedalo boat. But not a bus, never a bus. 

This week's number 9 was a tube train carriage and saw things getting out of hand when the train stops and a purse is stolen leading to suspicion among the passengers and a final twist commenting on how we react to injustice. Pemberton and Shearsmith take on different parts each week in the drama and this time around Pemberton was playing a drag queen who went under the wonderful name of Wilma Dickshow. I won't go into full spoilers here but Wilma emerges as a fascinating character who you thought would be someone eager to challenge perceptions but is beaten down by the prejudices she has faced. It's indicated that these characters live in a more authoritarian future and it's interesting to see that being an out and proud queer man and drag queen isn't seen as being a problem in itself. It's also led me to think further about that world and wouldn't it be ideal to walk down the street looking how you like without fear of being set upon but is it worth it risking certain freedoms for? Then again perhaps this how such societies start. 

The publicity for this series showed the intriguing below image of Pemberton and Shearsmith in character waiting on a platform and although I liked the episode we got, the below image of this rather bland little man and a drag queen standing on a train platform together conjured up something quite different in my mind and is a story I would have liked to see.  

Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton
in a BBC publicity photograph for Inside No 9

The second thing I wanted to mention is the annual Eurovision Song Contest which this year was won by Switzerland with the song The Code by non-binary singer Nemo. The song is about their path to discovering that they were neither male or female. I quite liked this on the night and I loved the costume Nemo wore on stage. I know it's probably wrong to label a non-binary performer as crossdressing but in this case it's more gender non-conforming so apologies if I have this wrong. 

Nemo performing at Eurovision 2024

April Fools

No joke, I swear. As it's April Fools Day (for another hour anyway) I thought I would put up another caption as, unlike Easter, I have done quite a few on the subject of practical jokes gone wrong. This was an often used theme of the Rachel's Haven caption contest and since this caption was made nearly a decade ago I thought I would give it another airing. The title is a bit clunky but I still quite like it as a concept so prepare yourself for a short tale of revenge, dinner and accidental gender reassignment. 

Dinner for Jokers (2014)

 

Check-Up #29

 Ok so once again I make it right to the dying embers of another month having posted nothing but still wanting to keep this blog going. I've meant to write a longer section about some of the TV programmes I've watched recently with some gender change themes but I guess I'm out of time for now. I would still like to leave you with something though so I looked around for an Easter themed caption but haven't been able to find one so maybe I ought to give that a shot in the future. 

Anyway, here's one that I did for Chelsea Baker over on Rachel's Haven with a very gossipy theme. Hope you like. 

The Kiss and Tell Queen (2021) 

Pink Library #12: Twinies

 I've grown to like twinning stories more and more through the years and it's surprising that I haven't really clocked that before as some of my earliest crossdressing fantasies involved the girls in my school turning me into their 'twin' or having to 'fill in' for them in class. I think it's the idea of becoming like someone else and having to take on their mannerisms.

This is a fun story that I came across recently involving twinning:

Twinies by Stargate52

This is a rather innocent tale, not really done out of malice and Amy just comes across as a normal, fun loving woman rather than a controlling bitch or bully looking for an apprentice and in fact Dan comes across rather snobby. The change seems to be a pre-break up kindness to him which I'm not sure of but it's a fun tale. I love the rather slow change mainly shown through his reactions as the two converse and I would have liked more description of his clothes changing but that's just me. 

A Note on Captioning

 I did want my first post of 2024 to be something slightly happier, maybe about some of the stories I've been reading over the past year but today was one of those days in which I sometimes regret taking up captioning at all.

Purely by chance I was checking out my Twitter and someone had liked an old caption of mine from about 6 months ago which was nice until I came across an old comment that I had somehow missed first time around calling me disgusting for what I had written and asking me to delete the tweet. This was mainly to do with the picture used which was of a 16th birthday party. I probably never gave it that much thought at the time but maybe the poster was right and I should have been more careful about the source material used especially regarding the sexual content.

I have heard arguments for using AI in captions now. It would certainly take the effort out of looking for that perfect picture to have fit the story in your head but then I also like stumbling across a photograph and having an idea on the spot. Maybe I'll see if I can give AI a go for a bit and although I say I want to stop captioning I probably won't but this has made me think twice about what I do and I will delete the tweets. I'll probably feel like shit for a few days too. I would still like to preserve the text so I'll add it here: 

1. Kelly was really looking forward to her birthday party but knew her dad would probably spoil it for her. He would tell her to cover up, keep her away from guys  and stop her fun. Why couldn't he see things from her point of view? Perhaps he could with the help of some Teen-X.

2. "OMG Kels this party is awesome. Thanks for inviting me and giving me this cute dress!"

"No probs dad, sorry Steph, I knew you would love it if you were a teen girl like me."

"I'm so glad I am, now I see all the hot guys here ready to fuck."

"Like daughter like daddy!"