August Update

Hey everyone,

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a month since my last update. The frustrating thing I've been finding about this is that I keep doing it in the wrong way. All too often I will think of things to link to or to write about and put them on  the mythical backburner which means that they will inevitable never get done. I mean to post a link to a story recently that I was into months ago and couldn't even remember the name! This is wrong, I should have done it at the time but I'm either too busy or just feel too tired to start typing so I'm very sorry about that.

I have a girlfriend now. Girlfriend's are cool. This has brought up a lot of feelings in me and all in all I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. She doesn't know about the crossdressing and I'm not about to tell her any time soon. I did wonder if those feelings would go away but they're still there. I put on  a skirt and tights again the other day, felt so good after so long. I think my captioning has suffered thought, maybe I'm burning out a little but then I'm always worried about my work.

Hope to have some new stuff for you soon.

The Girl

Now, I have bleated a lot about romance over the past year I've been on here and even signed up to a dating website earlier this year.

I didn't end up meeting someone through it however I have started seeing someone for the past month. I met her on another site, not a dating one, I belong to. We're taking it slow at the moment but we have been out a few times and  it's going really well so far. I always wondered what I would be like in a relationship and at the moment it's making me more worried. I worry about whether I'm too cold or too clingy or whether I say enough or whether I'm doing things right.

I get nervous about her meeting my friends. The first night we were out we bumped into someone quite by accident. He's really chatty and so is she so I thought that, like so many other times, that was it for me. We did how ever walk back to the train station together and shared a kiss. She seems really into me which is a whole new thing I'm not really sure how to take. I guess I'm not used to someone being physically attracted to me. I wish I could live in the moment and enjoy it but I seem to live in either the past or the future, always looking back at what has happened and trying to predict what will happen. It's like I'm waiting for her to turn round and tell me it's over. I've known friends who have broken up with partners years down the line simply because they said 'I don't love you anymore' one day but then I've also known people who have been together for years with few ups and downs.

Anyway, hopefully we'll just see how it goes.

Cosplay Update #2

Ok, so my Clara dress didn't really materialize after a last minute dash around the shops so I ended up plumping for Amy Pond once again. I did wonder whether I lost my nerve for it within the last year but I ended up enjoying it as always and I had some nice comments about my costume anyway.

I did get something today though but not very feminine though. This was a tie like the one the Tenth Doctor is going to be wearing in the 50th anniversary special. Very pleased with it.

Pink Library #3: Paint It Black

I know I've been a bit absent lately and I do mean to do an update post since things have been changing a little recently but here's another Pink Library entry to start. 

I've been reading this story recently, not a gender change but a personality one. 

Paint It Black by Jukebox

Bimbo to Goth and vice versa has always been a fun idea and they are very much polar opposites. Here, the girl is changed by mind control and magic paints as she slowly finds herself being changed and going along with it. There's a lovely moment of acceptance at the end as she's asked to forget the real her or who she thought she was, and go with the image in the mirror. The reflection is what's here and now so therefore the earlier image must be wrong mustn't it? A nice way of twisting our ideas of identity. 

Cosplay Update

Ok, so I'm going to another convention in a week and I was going to go as Amy again. Then  they announced that one of the party themes would be Clara Oswald and her many faces through the Doctor's timeline and now I have no idea what I'm going to wear. This is a wonderful idea but I feel I have too little time to put something together. I still think the red dress from Asylum of the Daleks would be good but I have no idea where to get one.

I did go shopping tonight but didn't find anything and once more I felt terrible going in and out a lot of clothes shops. Shouldn't I be enjoying it? Perhaps I'm scared i'll be found out by some kind of Trannyfinder General if I stray too far into the lingerie section. Truth is, no-one probably noticed me. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but it would be a shame to pass up an opportunity like this. I do love Clara's modern style too.

New Tights

I've been thinking about getting some more tights recently and today I finally did, cunningly smuggled in with some ties. Not exclusively for the wordplay though.

Trying them on tonight I feel wonderful but a bit unhappy. I think I may have needed another size plus I have a hole in them already. Hmm I could always make more and go a bit punk rock. Still, I guess you need to try these things to learn and the more I try to wear them, the more natural it will feel and the more comfortable I'll be.

Clueless

I would now like to share with you all a film that had a tremendous effect on my development and may in fact have been my first foray into TG. Clueless (1995) starred Alicia Silverstone as Cher Horowitz, a teenager living in Beverley Hills. The film was a take on Jane Austen's Emma and one night in 1995 I went to see it. I was in my late teens and cut a lesson in school to catch the film on its last day. No-one wanted to come with me so I went alone and ended up being the only person in the cinema. Even one of the ushers came in and sat with me for a while and I felt ashamed of watching such a girlie movie.

So why did I watch it? Well it just hit something in me; the language they used and their overall look. Plus I was crushing a little on Silverstone. In the following weeks I started to draw myself as the characters from the film using their poses on the main poster - so that was basically my head on their bodies. I actually made myself sick doing it; such was my excitement that I gave myself a cold. Of course being a teenage boy I should have had another, um, outlet for that energy but I was a bit late in that area. I loved those drawings but these days I don't know what to do with them. They're hidden away in a folder and I'm torn between destroying them lest someone find them or keeping them preserved because they are pieces of my past.

Clueless (1995) main theatrical poster

In addition to the drawings I tried writing letters as Cher, using all the language and loved repeating lines from the movie into the mirror. A year later the TV series started with Rachel Blanchard making a fine replacement for Alicia Silverstone as Cher. It was quite a shock to see her later turn up in Peep Show. For the time that it was on, Clueless was my dirty little viewing secret but further exposure to that world was welcome. If I could do any cosplay at all, it would be Cher's yellow suit from the movie. I would love to wear that outfit for a while and pretend to be a hip Californian teen.

Perfect in Plaid

Last Friday I went to a quote along showing of the film and it was so much fun to be watching it on the big screen again. In the intervening years it has become such a well loved film and it will always hold a place in my heart and such a big influence in developing my desires.

Ok, so that's me audi!