Check-Up #17

I have been meaning to update this over the last couple of months so apologies to anyone still reading that nothing new has appeared. Things have gotten busier at work recently and I'm now back at the office full time so it feels like I have less time than I used to especially for relaxing in the evenings. It feels like I just get home, eat something, watch TV and then go to sleep to get back up and do it all over again early in the morning. 

Over the past couple of months I've bought some new clothes - a lovely yellow and black patterned top and a nice dress which, as you know, I do get attracted to work-wear kind of stuff and this is grey with white sleeves with a frill on the end, small collar and a black tie. I don't know if I'll ever find anywhere to wear it but it's still nice. I also bought a black dress with green and blue flowers on it and a little frill on the shoulders. It's quite on trend at the moment so I'm pleased with myself for looking vaguely fashionable. I actually got it due to a voucher for a high street store gifted to me by a colleague for some help with a big project at work so of course my first thought was for clothes. I still have some money left on it too. 

I have had a couple of occasions now where I've dressed femme to go out. One week I met a friend for a drink and ended up staying the night and going home in the early morning feeling a little delicate. Last week I wore the aforementioned flowery dress to a friend's birthday drink at a pub and ended up feeling a little out of sorts. It was a crowded pub which didn't help plus it was Valentine's weekend and the Six Nations rugby was on so sports fans were everywhere. As sometimes happens, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and couldn't really get the thought out of my mind despite the fact that I liked the dress and felt comfortable in it. I will add that I did get a few compliments which is always nice and everyone was very friendly. I think it may be the fact that I arrived too early and spent some time waiting around for everyone so I just felt too self conscious. Some nights I end up wondering why I bother and what's the point of it all if I just end up feeling like the odd one out. Of course on the flip side, had I just worn a jumper and jeans I would have felt worse for not taking the opportunity to dress femme. I don't think I'm the type to just scorch the earth and give everything up. In fact, the week just gone I saw a dress in a charity shop I loved. Tried it on and it was a little small which was a shame but I think it goes to prove just how passionate I feel about it and how good it ultimately makes me feel. 

I'm not sure if there's anything I particularly want to do this year but I have been meaning to try and do something about make-up but I just don't have the passion for it yet I think it would do a lot to help me with my self image where cosplay is concerned. 

Occasionally I think again about asking work if I can wear more femme clothes but I go back and forth with it. I think they would probably agree but I'm not sure if I want to make that leap. I could probably weather any comments from colleagues but there's still a nagging feeling that I would be making things worse for myself. Sometimes I think I'm too old for things like this and that maybe it should be for the next generation but then I guess you only get to that point if previous generations fight for these things. Maybe it's just how I grew up and the ingrained attitudes I grew up with. Then again just this week I was writhing on the floor trying to fix the office printer (certainly not very demure) and then just Friday night with Storm Eunice battering Britain the trains were all cancelled so I travelled home on a crowded bus and ended up unexpectedly being picked up by my parents so I don't know how I would have explained that had I been wearing a dress. Oh well, maybe I will one day. 

First Day of Advent

The regular '25 Caps of Christmas' thread has kicked off over on Rachel's Haven and I did want to post my first caption here as I was quite pleased with how it turned out but first of all I may just mention something that happened today which was a little embarrassing.

One of my favourite looks and one I wanted to try once I started dressing was a pair of denim shorts, rolled up at the leg and paired with black tights. I have a pair which don't really fit that well and have meant to replace them (wore them to a party once. Not sure why). I saw a pair in a supermarket today at a reduced price so decided to get them. Unable to try them on as the fitting rooms are still off limits due to COVID. However it was only when I got them to the self-service tills that I found out they were a maternity pair. The reduced sticker was covering the description. Unfortunately I had to call a member of staff to cancel the whole order so that I could rescan the rest of the goods I was buying. Dreading speaking to a member of staff about it at least she didn't ask me why I was trying to buy them. I left feeling somewhat humiliated but not really sure why. At times I feel so angry that other people's opinions or what I feel they will be are holding me back.

Anyway, here's the caption I wanted to post featuring my witchy character Ember entering the advent calendar market. I think my favourite part of this one was writing about the various final things that will change the opener into a variety of different women. The photo is of a beauty advent calendar produced by Chanel. 

First Day of Advent (2021)

 

Check-Up #16

It's not often that I dream about gender change but it happened last night. I'm sure it must have happened before but I don't recall right now. It was an odd dream and from what I remember I wasn't the only one doing it but I had to switch bodies with a friend (who I think may have been an old flame). The swap worked and I remember feeling so much joy and excitement at being in a female body - however it wasn't long before I worked out that the swap hadn't actually worked and that I still had male genitalia which was disappointing. I woke up shortly after. I've since looked up the dream and it has a number of meanings and like a lot of dreams many more than you may actually think. The main one here is that there are parts of myself or feelings that are fighting to get out. 

It has been quite an interesting month though all told. I had a few days off and went to some events. On Halloween I went to a party as an old favourite go-to costume of mine which was a vampire cheerleader. Although not quite bold enough to travel by train in costume, a few drinks at a party and I ended up travelling back in it which meant a few minutes walking through a town I had never been to before plus an hour and a half on two trains to get back home. 

Earlier that day I had been able to complete a cosplay I had been sort-of planning. As you know I love Clara Oswald's outfits in Doctor Who and I found out through a costuming website that the dress she wore in the 2015 two part story Under the Lake/Before the Flood is available through Miss Patina. I ordered one and, despite it being a little tight (unfortunately there was no bigger size) I was happy with it. I'm also now getting emails about offers from the Miss Patina website which I love because they have some very cute clothes. Anyway the only other thing I needed to complete the costume was a mustard top. There are also some tights and boots but they're generic enough for me to get by with what I have although I do wonder whether the tights are navy or black. Anyway I managed to get a top in a charity shop and it looks so good. I'm stupidly excited about this look and wearing it in the future to a convention. 

Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman in a 2015 BBC publicity photograph for the
Doctor Who two part story Under the Lake and Before the Flood

Over the last year or so I have gone back and forth with cosplay and whether I want to still do it including whether my age precludes playing younger characters. I have concerns about whether I'm good enough and whether I will still have the same group of friends still to enjoy it with. I guess I have fears of being left behind while others move on with their lives. Saying that, cosplay still remains an interest for me and I've still been trying to put various outfits together over the last year. Anyway, last week I went to the Destination Star Trek convention and really enjoyed myself despite the fact that a new cosplay I had ordered ( a blue TNG era uniform dress) was delivered the very day I went to the convention. Still there's always next year. I had a good time with my friends though and even had some nice photos taken. 

A couple of other things I would note as well is that I bought a purple top with some black flowers on and wore it to an event in London coupled with some purple tights, black skirt, cardie and boots which is the first time I've been to an event dressed for over a year. The boots are the same I wear for my Star Trek cosplay and there's definitely something about wearing them and hearing the tapping of the heels as you walk down the street. Other than that I missed out on two quite similar dresses recently. One I saw in a charity shop, left it for a week and it was gone when it came back but I did see one with a similar patten yesterday...just as it was being bought by someone else. Oh well. Every so often I do think about asking work if I can dress while I'm in the office but it just seems to be so ingrained in me, perhaps with age, that it's silly to even ask. Still, you never know. 

Sacrifice

Here's something a bit folk horror related for the upcoming Halloween. 

This caption was created for the November 2020 competition on Rachel's Haven which was based around seasons. I used a still from the 1971 film Blood on Satan's Claw for this and I'm quite pleased with the story and how I managed to bring it full circle. 

Sacrifice (2020)

Check-Up #15

 It's been an up and down month for me. 

Recently I was able to have a holiday for a week which was quite nice and the weather stayed well. I even bought a new necklace. I've not really bought any new clothes recently apart from some cosplay which I'm only half hoping to do at some point (if I can get one more bit). In fact I veer between all the stuff I want to do and just throwing in the towel. I never wanted to just buy stuff, wear it once and never wear it again. I know there are some outfits I'm tempted by but are a bit too revealing for me to wear to a convention. 

In October I'll no longer be working from home which I'm a little sad about because I've enjoyed dressing up for it and sharing my photos online. Positive comments mean a lot but every so often, this week for example, I'm made aware of how much harder it is for acceptance in the wider world. I often come back to the idea of asking if I can wear dresses and skirts and to be honest I'm probably in the best position I could be having celebrated a big work anniversary but I don't know if I should do and if I even want to anymore. I'm not sure when I'll have the opportunity anymore as I rarely feel like it when I get in from work and at the weekend I often have to go out and even just for a short walk makes me a bit nervous. In fact I've become a little obsessed with the few moments I go out for a walk and how I look when I do. 

Check-Up #14

Apologies for not posting anything recently (if anyone is still reading this) but there's not been an awful lot happening. I wanted to make sure I put something up this month though so here we are late at night on Bank Holiday Monday. I've not made any new purchases recently and I'm still pondering my options for cosplay. Still in that same position of being really psyched for it and feeling inadequate. Probably best to keep off social media for a bit. Summer is ending shortly but hopefully it will hold on for a bit longer so I can go on holiday at last this year. 

I've mentioned The Changing Mirror website before and I would definitely recommend it as a great source of TF stories of various types (especially if you like weight gain stories) and in particular I've been enjoying the work of Grace Fairway recently. Unfortunately actually joining up has proved a challenge so it's a problem I've now been trying to solve. I have recently signed up to another site which I've been thinking about stories I may want to contribute so hopefully if I do then I will post them here as well. 

I've had rather a girly day today although trying a wig on for the first time in ages made me feel a bit down although it was nice to have the longer hair (which I always end up playing with) plus to tell the truth I am going a bit bald and at the moment it's terrifying me more than any other part of the aging process. I guess I feel more my authentic self with my own hair and when I have a wig on it just feels fake. I feel like the stereotypical transvestite rather than just myself which bring out a self-loathing I rarely have around my dressing. Before COVID hit I was looking at using a dressing service but I note that some do just hair and make-up tips so I'm wondering if a crash-course in make-up might help things. 

Americanisation

 As it's Independence Day today, I thought I would put something up about a occasional caption preference of mine: Americanization. 

Race or Nationality change is a lovely topic to explore and one of my favourites over the years has been Americanisation. As a Brit it's fun to be turned from the stuffy, reserved stereotype into an outgoing American draped in the Stars and Stripes with a southern fried accent and probably a spot on a cheerleading squad. 

Although it's been done to me a lot over the years I've only used it a handful of times for others (and spoilers sweetie but I'm going to be using it again very soon although I'm not saying on who for now...). The first time I used it was for a 'Please Americanise Me' topic for the lovely Evie Hyde over on Rachel's Haven who now runs Evie's Emporium and that is the caption I would like to present for you now. This was among the first I did so it's still a bit rough around the edges especially the bright red text on top of the photo so I apologise for the look. Hopefully it's readable enough and that you like it anyway. 

Tourist Trap (2011)