Update

Things haven't really got much better this week.

It kind of hit home to me last night how socially inept I am. In some ways it doesn't feel like any time has passed since I was mumbling around a sixth form social nearly 20 years ago. Of course I realise that I have changed in the intervening years. I'm more worldly, I have life experience and, yes I'm more confident but I still can't apply myself. I still get too intimidated.

A long time ago I thought that I would suddenly have this knowledge when I reach a certain age - I have a very specific memory of it while swimming in a pool - but that doesn't happen. It takes experience like everything else in life. I don't believe I can change though. It would have happened by now if it's going to but I think I'm stuck with myself a certain way for the rest of my life. It's why I don't think I should try therapy or anything like that. You can say whatever platitudes and do as many exercises you want, it's not going to change how of think or how you feel at a core level. It makes me so frustrated. I hate myself because of it. Is this how I'll be remembered? A fool? A drunk? A sissy? I guess as long as I'm remembered.

I think with my ex I'm either going to have to put up or shut now she's reappeared. Either I start talking to her again or just defriend her altogether.  Believe it or not though I think I'm genuinely close to being over her which is what makes last night so frustrating.

I had an idea for a short story too, well, a short piece of fiction. For a while I've been thinking of doing some Role Exchanger captions but not involving TG which of course means I can't really do them on the Haven plus I would have to find pictures. What I may do though is write one just as a short piece for here. I've had an idea and I've been thinking about it for the last few days and I really like it. At least there's the bank holiday coming up.

Dark Fantasies

I've not been having a good time of it recently.

I've had a cold for the last couple of weeks that I really can't shift plus I feel like I'm drowning at work. It's not been this bad for a while now and I feel like I can't keep up. I still see occasional updates from my ex girlfriend on social networking sites. I know I probably should defriend her and one day it will become too hard to see her pop up but I just can't take that leap for some reason. It's tough to see someone with whom you shared nearly everything living their life without you.

I should really buy those dresses I wanted to. I've been on my own a lot recently so I've been wanting to dress up again.

Anyway, just wanted to write a bit about a current fantasy of mine relating to goth girls. A few years ago there was a gothy club in London that I thought of visiting. I never did, a bit nervous about sticking out like a sore thumb as it's not really my scene to be honest, but I always had a little fantasy about a girl dressing me up so we could go together. For some reason that came back to me again recently.

I would go to her place, some loft apartment close by, to get dressed. Strip off and put on bra and knickers, black with skulls on them (yes stereotypical I know but for some reason it turns me on) and fishnet tights. Now there are many clothes I could go with but at the moment it's a big frilly black dress perhaps with ruffles, bows with a cameo collar that thrills me. Long elaborate frilly dresses, perhaps in a southern belle style and long gloves, have been a little fantasy for a while now. Gloves of course, either long black ones or short sheer black ones with frills on the ends. A big pair of gothy boots too. A friend of mine's ex-girlfriend had a lovely pair I coveted a little and tried to think of situations in which I could borrow and wear them. Not sure whether I would wear a wig or just some long, colourful hair extensions. A fascinator too or maybe a small top hat. She would do my make-up and perhaps add some accessories and give me a handbag, perhaps something really stereotypical like a coffin shaped one. Maybe it would be filled with things like a gothy purse, some make-up, maybe cigarettes and condoms. Perhaps I may carry a parasol too.

We would then head over to the club. She would be dressed in a similar style.I would probably stick by her and just enjoy myself or maybe we would agree on a name and persona for me. She could tell me what to do for the rest of the night. Perhaps I might even just stay quiet and enhance my mystery.  Not sure what would happen after that, probably just crash back at her place. It would be such an exhilarating night.

Gothic Wedding Dress

Photo from: Heeyfashion.com

Dreams

A few weeks ago I had a dream.

Now, I'm always interested in what they might mean because it's usually a sign of what's currently bothering you or otherwise on your mind. Dreams can be hard to interpret too. You could dream yourself going into a shop and buying a pasty and it could turn out to mean you wish to travel more.

In this dream I was wearing pair of pink shorts, a little velvety I think but with a very bejeweled button at the top so I was in no doubt they were for women.

I've looked into some interpretations of this and it appears that for a man to cross-dress in a dream means he is worried about his feminine side or he wishes to acknowledge it more; a caring and more sensitive side of himself however it may also reflect fears of subordination. For a woman it mean much the same thing but with their masculine side; worries over being too aggressive or wanting to be more assertive.

I wonder whether with me it is a little more literal. Maybe I seek to let out my feminine side a bit more these days, purchase more clothes and dress up a bit more. Maybe I also feel more submissive, more under the cosh these days. I have dreamt of cross-dressing before but never that much over the years. I suppose I hope in some weird way that it could be a vindication of my feelings and that my mind is confirming that, yes this is really what I want to do, what I yearn for.

Still, I can dream...

Quantum Leap #3: Miss Deep South

Miss Deep South

(07 June 1958)

Sam is...Darlene Monty (AKA Miss Sugar Belle), Southern Stunner.

The Mission: Find out why fellow beauty pageant contestant Connie Duncan disappears.

We now reach 'Beauty Pageant Contestant' in the big Quantum Leap checklist of feminine situations to put Sam into. The plot is quite a common one for this show, namely that Sam has to find out why/stop someone disappearing. Sam is a beauty pageant contestant and has to find out what happened to roommate Connie. In the end it turns out to be a sleazy photographer selling nudie photos of the contestants. 

Watching this again it reminded me of Sam's first foray into femininity in What Price Gloria. Sam is clearly hating being a woman again and going through the rigmarole of the contest with the parasol parade, swimsuit show and talent contest and it's a nice touch that he has to finish third in order to keep Darlene's life on track and thereby meaning he can't just ignore it. His relationship with Connie is reminiscent of Gloria too as the two share many nice moments together. Gloria was the stronger character and I think the actress was better but Connie is a different, more innocent person than the more independent Gloria. The time period is much the same as well with three years between both episodes settings and photographer Clifford, although sleazy, is a more low key performance than Buddy. 

Since we are now in the third season, Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell know their parts very well and Scott really shines in this episode with so many bits of physical business such as covering his face with his hand while talking to Al. Remarks are made on his masculine walking and grip and, again like Gloria, once he gets back into his room after his interview with Colonel Sanders, he immediately dispenses with the earrings and heels. There's a lovely reveal of him at the beginning of the episode too as he emerges from a bus and it dawns on him, thanks to a poodle skirt, that he's a woman again. There is of course also the Carmen Miranda outfit too and two great musical moments come out of this episode as Sam and Al perform Cuanto Le Gusta and later Sam give a great rendition of Great Balls of Fire. This show always made use of Scott Bakula's lovely singing voice and he's clearly loving it here and despite the character's reticence at entering a beauty contest he's overcome with genuine emotion at the end as it's revealed that he's won and it's lovely that he wishes his sister was there to see him win. 

Overall I liked it. It's not a favourite for me but still an enjoyable story. It comes at an interesting point in the series too. It's a comedy episode in between the chilling and a bit surreal Halloween story The Boogieman and racially charged Black On White On Fire. I have to wonder whether Sam would take his pageant teachings into his next lives and what the hell Darlene thought of 'her' performance of Great Balls of Fire. One minute she's on the bus to the contest and the next she's won it. There's a rather sober end for Connie too and we don't get the 'she became a famous actress' end but just the fact that she continued acting and led a good life. Quantum Leap often gave a rather low key end for its supporting characters, they may not make it but they would live a happy life. In the end, I guess that's what we all hope for.    

Pink Library #6: Houndstooth

I found this story only recently but it really hit my preferences so much.

That story is Houndstooth by Lyodor Tolstoyevski and it can be found in:

Funky Lady: A TG Mixed Tape

These Mix Tapes are a lovely compilation of  short TG stories, interviews and essays and are a great rear if you're just getting into TG fiction. The same Tape also contains an interview with Morpheus although the interviewer sadly (for me anyway) doesn't ask if one of my fave concepts, the Role Exchanger, will be coming back. I had read an earlier story of Lyodor's in another Mix Tape and I will probably talk about that another time.

This story is quite short, in fact I've written bigger captions but that's definitely no bad thing at all, and concerns a man and a woman on the bus. The woman (wearing a stylish houndstooth skirt) falls onto the man (wearing jeans) as the bus stops short and they slowly swap garments. Now anyone reading this knows how much I love clothes swaps and this one is one of the best and most original I've ever read. The slow description works so well as the clothes reform starting from their zippers and slowly switching material with the narrator unaware of the changes; his world reshaping around him. At the end, it's never confirmed if a TG change has even taken place and I would guess not since the woman is definitely still a woman. This does not matter one jot though especially as the narrator doesn't think it odd that he's in a skirt. The final line suits it perfectly too.

I definitely need to check out more of this author's work.
 
Lovely piece of writing!

A stylish Houndstooth skirt

Photo Source: wholesaleclothing4u.com via Pinterest

Love Is A Drug

So then, Valentines Day again.

I've been feeling a bit down today for obvious reasons. Least not because last year was the only time I was able to do the day properly so it's not perhaps the day itself but just the memory of last year. Looking back, I think that was the day my relationship started to fall apart. The first time we tried to have sex. Thinking about it recently perhaps even if we did have a decent sex life it wouldn't have mattered. It might have kept her around for a few more months before she still decided to go. Still, I would have felt better and although there are always things left unsaid it's the fact that this is hanging in the air that depresses me the most. I feel not only that I let her down but I don't feel like a proper man. I had a few chances and I physically couldn't do anything about it. It makes you feel so helpless. I think that was also a factor for her in that she couldn't stand how frustrated it made me feel. Not that she ever did that much to help me, mind.

I've been thinking a lot about starting dating again recently and for that means dating websites. Finding someone in the big wide world has never been a skill of mine; I'm not a person who can go to bars and pick up women so I guess this is my only chance. A friend of mine said to me I shouldn't date until I'm ready but  have to at some point. There's not a day go by when I don't think of my ex and I keep expecting a call or text from her but would I even want to get back with her now? I would have done like a shot a few months ago but now I'm not so sure. I guess you keep going with the thought that there's someone better out there, someone you click more with and, for someone like me, a girl who will love to feminize you. Dating again does both excite and frighten me and it's scarier when you realise you might be pissing in the wind for the rest of your life when you thought you had someone.

Love is a drug though and once a spark is struck, your find yourself wanting more. It happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. The first time I met her, I don't think she dated much, I never used to hear about boyfriends or anything but about 5 years ago she started up with another friend in our circle. They broke up but since then she's nearly always had someone new. I really do want to experience other people and I did have some worries that that part of my life was over when I was with my ex but that's just my nature. I'm always looking back and over analysing stuff, afraid that I had missed out on stuff. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say but if I was to have ended up with her for the rest of my life I would have been lucky. I always wanted a relationship so perhaps that was it. My one shot, my one chance and now that's that, over and done with. The rest of my life. Things were supposed to be a lot easier when I reached this age. I was supposed to be in a different place. I was supposed to be normal. But I keep lingering on like this.

Apologies for the long, whiny post. I'll be going back to the Quantum Leaps at some point, promise.      

Men In Tights

I came across the below article today:

Men In Tights: The Latest Trend?

It seems that a lot of designers are using tights in their shows however the reality seems that it's this current cold snap rather than a desire to follow fashion that has sent blokes searching through their partners' drawers. I didn't even realise that there was a store that did tights for men and the idea of a fly in them seems a bit odd. The writer is correct though crossdressers will most likely go for women's tights.So much softer and patterned I expect. You can see men's tights as being a very functional rather than a fashionable item for showing off your legs.

It's interesting to read some of the comments below the article ranging from the usual whines of "gay" to the delights of many men in macho professions such as the police and army admitting to wearing them on cold night shifts to keep them warm. Of course these can easily be popped under a pair of trousers rather than being on full display.

The reporter used an odd phrase though 'my female' to describe his partner as if he doesn't quite know what she is to him.

Anyway, it's certainly a good thing and it's interesting to see how the ways the world has been turning recently.