Check Up #28

 Ok so in this one I'm going to attempt to round up the last year and try to make up for 6 months of not posting anything. 

• Earlier in the year I moved house and it took me a while to get used to it. In some ways I've still got a bit more tidying and decoration to do. It also didn't help that my parents decided to dump even more old stuff from my teenage bedroom on me without warning so now I have a spare room full of stuff that needs sorting out, nowhere to put it and no time to do it in.

• Due to this I also had to have some furniture moved over (because I couldn't bear trashing something I've had for nearly 40 years) so a chest of drawers full of my femme clothes had to be moved out of the way. Now of course this means that the moment you moved it the bottoms fell out of the drawers meaning all my clothes fell out in front of everyone. I had to scramble to try and pick everything up and getting increasingly more angry about it all. No-one mentioned it so I don't really know what to make of that. 

• I finished my cap debt list over at Rachel's Haven this year but I'm still doing the odd one or two. For the meantime though I like the immediacy of using Twitter even though it's not quite the site it used to be for obvious reasons.

• At the end of the year I was mostly preoccupied by a couple of weddings. The first was more of a reception I was invited to and I had decided to dress for it. It was in Manchester so I had to travel a bit for it and even then the venue was a way out of town so I had to make a decision about whether to go by public transport or by taxi. I don't take a lot of taxis so it put me on edge a little bit but needless to say it turned out ok in the end and I quite like the outfit I chose however I did have some issue with some pink flats I chose that were too big for me. I should have tried them on in the shop but this was one of those times when my nerve went. On the day of the wedding I had to quickly dash up to the shop I bought them in to replace them. Everyone was so nice about it in the shop that I wonder why I didn't do this before and waste time trying to find ways to adapt the original shoes.

• The other wedding I attended this year I didn't dress femme for because I had a specific role - I was the Best Man so not only did I have a speech to write but the arrangements were on and off for a while and I didn't really know what was happening. Despite the nerves I now look back on it fondly. 

• Due to moving house earlier in the year and the train station being closer I haven't been getting quite as much exercise as I have before and unexpectedly I managed to put on 3 stone in weight which I have been trying to lose for the last few months. This means that there are some clothes that no longer fit which I'm quite down about. I'm hoping I can get the weight off at some point next year. 

• I haven't really done much cosplay this year apart from when I went to a convention earlier in the year. I would still like to continue though and there are still a lot of costumes I would like to try. I miss the days of the big conventions I used to attend with my friends. I'm not sure I have the stomach to go alone anymore unless it's just to look round the merch stalls. I haven't collected autographs for about 20 years and that was mainly Buffy the Vampire Slayer which I'm coincidentally rewatching.  

• I haven't bought many new clothes this year, a couple of dresses and skirts though and a top I think. One of the dresses came without a button at the back so again I'm resolving to learn to sew again so I can do these small jobs for myself. In fact this dress is a bit of a departure for me as it's a black and white leopard print. It's not normally a pattern I go for as it's a touch chavvy (which is no bad thing and I would love to go full chav one day just for the sake of dress up but not for my personal style) I do like this one though as it's in my usual Clara style with a small black collar. 

• Towards the end of the year I was able to go to a few events dressed which was quite cool. I was also told by one bloke at a party I was making him feel underdressed and this was only in one of my normal dresses and some tights I bought from Snag. 

•  This year I also read Grayson Perry's memoir Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl which had some interesting things to say about his transvestitism. 

At least I know I'm going into 2024 with less chaos and change ahead of me than there was in 2023 so at least that's something hopeful. 

Check Up #27

Yes I'm not dead! Hurrah!

Also it seems that looking back last year I also reached 30th December and had to do a round-up post because I hadn't posted in a while. This time it's been about 6 months. This is not that post though as it's just a quick note because I wanted to say something after such a long time and it's coming up to the New Year so hopefully I'll be back to do some more stuff soon but this year I've been a bit distracted by some changes in my life and a couple of events. 

The Capping Years: 2014

As you all know I love doing Role Exchanger caps and particularly exploring some of the many areas that you can go with Morpheus' creation. Although gender change is often the name of the game I do like playing around with other aspects of physical and mental changes and sometimes if you want to do that in a TG cap you also need to squeeze in that aspect which can feel forced. 

I'm really pleased with this cap as I managed to play with the format a little by making the characters switch ambitions and then twisting it into a crossdressing cap rather than full on gender change. In a way this cap has influenced many of my future Role Exchanger caps although I have been experimenting with F2F ones a bit more recently which make the personality swap caps easier.

This caption was created for Totalditz over on Rachel's Haven. I've created many caps for Ashlee over the years starting from when I first joined the Haven and indeed we have a Halloween cap swapping tradition now so it's only right that at least one of these captions is for her.

Cheer Ambition (2014)

Check Up #26

Once again I say I have been meaning to update this for quite a while. 

In March I went to a convention again. I did get back into it last year although lately I've been feeling that I don't really want to keep doing so on my own. Back when I was a teenager I did end up going to a lot of conventions and things on my own simply because no-one else wanted to go with me and I was determined not let that spoil what I wanted to do. These days I think I feel the loneliness more and sometimes I just can't face it. It's why I have been thinking that if I do want to do more cosplay it will mean travelling to a lot more conventions and probably spending most of the day on my own trudging round merch halls. 

Anyway, this time I was staying with some friends and I ended up dressing for more or less the whole time I was there. I did a couple of new cosplays with varying degrees of success and I'm even thinking about more for next year. On the Saturday night I was probably the prettiest I have ever looked. I had a very gothy dress on, tights, boots and a friend leant me a fascinator and I did get some really nice comments on it. I still probably should experiment with make-up at some point. 

I haven't really bought much else, perhaps a blue and white striped top and another blue pleated maxi-skirt. I'm still really enjoying wearing maxi skirts. I had a couple of events on recently so I was able to dress up for those which I'm always pleased to do although it does bring a dose of anxiety as well. I'll go through the motions of regretting what I'm doing but knowing that if I don't do it I'll regret it more and more. The current climate and endless gender debates don't really help either.

I've also recently completed my caption debt list on Rachel's Haven and it feels good. I don't know how often I'll cap from now on but I doubt I'll stop completely and although I enjoy doing it on Twitter sometimes I prefer something a little longer form. One thing I also enjoyed doing on Twitter recently was a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' type story made up of various polls. It was fascinating to see the answers that I got and to be able to write something every day. 

Moving House

 I have meant to update this blog more often since the beginning of the year but the big event in January was my decision to move house and that kind of put things on hold. 

I had lived in my old place for over a decade so it was was quite emotional for me to move especially into a house that I also had an emotional connection with as my new house was previously owned by relatives of mine and is now owned by my parents. In fact one concern of mine was that I would lose a little of my privacy which is quite important to me considering my crossdressing. Also I knew that I would have to bag up everything and take it over to my new place and I was afraid that someone would see as people were helping me move. 

To be fair I don't think my parents have a real issue with it, they'll think it's strange but also don't want to see me get my head kicked in and unfortunately it looks like the situation is only getting worse out there. I don't think anyone saw anything but at the same time I wouldn't be surprised. They certainly haven't said anything to me if they have. Ever since I tried to speak to my parents about it and it went slightly wrong I haven't broached it since plus it was never important to me that they know and, hell, I never saw myself doing this. I considered it a secret I would take to the grave with possible exception of a sexual partner willing to explore that with me so the fact that I've been able to reach the stage I have has been a blessing. I did have a slightly odd conversation with my mum about coat hangers though recently and the inference that I know what sort of coat hangers you use to hang up skirts. If that sounds odd reading it sounded odd to type and I may be slightly paranoid. 

So anyway I been here over 6 weeks now and I feel more settled than I was when I first moved in. Early on you just need a few creature comforts I think and once I was able to watch the TV I was more or less fine. I have more space but having trouble trying to arrange my clothes and to be honest it was one of the only times I've felt bad about my dressing. If I had just stuck to male clothes I could have had it sorted out within an hour but it's still there waiting to be done. At least I don't have my incredible collapsing clothes pile anymore and I also have a full length mirror at last which is very helpful. 

As for new clothes, I bought a lovely blue pleated maxi skirt. I've always wanted one like that as I think they look so beautiful. I never used to be one for long skirts but these days they really make me feel feminine. I did have an issue with it though as some stores seem to have decided never to reopen their changing rooms since lockdown nearly 3 years ago. This led to me getting the wrong size and having to take it back and exchange it the same day. I was at least able to wear it out for some birthday drinks though, pairing it with a grey sequined jumper. I've also been able to get a new houndstooth dress and a lovely vintage 1950s look Hearts and Roses dress from a charity shop which was another lucky find. Nearly bought a pair of pleated ladies trousers this weekend but unfortunately missed out. 

I haven't been doing as many captions for the Haven recently as I mostly stick to Twitter now and I have given ChatGPT a go this week to see what kind of stories that would produce. I hope to get back to the Haven at some point though. 

 

Casa Susanna

I know I haven't posted recently but there is a good reason for that (this time anyway) in that I have been moving house which is something I do mean to post about shortly but before I do I wanted to get in a quick mention, before I forget, to a documentary I watched last week. 

Casa Susanna is a 2022 American-French documentary directed by Sébastien Lifshitz which takes a look at a refuge in the Catskills near New York which was a haven for crossdressing men in the 1950s and 1960s. The documentary tells the story with contributions from some of the participants, now in their 80s and some of which have since transitioned, alongside those from relatives as a group returns to the now dilapidated resort to talk about what it meant to them. 

It's a fascinating look at what life was like for crossdressers back then especially when it was against the law. Throughout the documentary we see a variety of old photographs which apparently brought the refuge to light after their discovery at a flea market and it's a shame we don't find out more about this aspect as it peaked my interest but to be fair that's not the story here. The vintage look of the photos also has an appeal of its own to me as you rarely see images of crossdressers from this time. 

How Casa Susanna brought people together is a wonderful story too in this day and age of the internet and so much connectivity. There was a specialist magazine that people put ads in and then gradually word of mouth got around the community about the place and it ended up drawing in people not only from the USA but other parts of the world. It shows how intoxicating it can be to find a safe space within which to be yourself and the lengths people will go to in order to feel like they belong if only for a few hours on the weekend. Sometimes the best feeling we can receive in any walk of life is that we are not alone and that someone else thinks like we do and accepts that side of us which, as I've said before, is something I wanted to do with writing this blog. 

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a full review but I just thought I would mention it as it was a fascinating look at a forgotten piece of trans history. Here in the UK, the film is still on the BBC iPlayer under its Storyville strand and if this short piece has peaked your interest then please try and track down the documentary. 

Promo poster for Casa Susanna (2022)