After a Week

So, it's been a weird week.

After what happened last weekend, I just kept throwing it all over in my mind, trying to work things out. For example, why I felt so bad this time rather than a couple of months ago. I think at that time it was a nice sunny day in a small area and I had gotten used to the situation, the people and general vibe (plus had drunk quite a bit) whereas last week it was raining and I had a lot more angst since I had to travel and wasn't sure how I would be received even though I was among friends. I still felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and in most of the photos I look miserable. I guess it was still a positive experience all told though and it would be easier if I tried it again.

I keep thinking about the girl I'm seeing at the moment. I think she may be ok with it but there's a world of difference between crossplay and dressing. Time was I could have left it but now it may be harder to put the genie back in the bottle. Apologies if I'm repeating myself.

On something newer though, I painted my nails for the first time today. Seems a bit strange looking down and seeing them painted but overall I like it. I think body shaving, certainly my arms, is the next step. Looking down and seeing a hairy arm doesn't do you much favours when trying to go girly.

The Path of Least Resistance

In what looks like to be another of my what-happend-next style of posting, I better reveal what happened at the party I went to recently. As you know, I was in a quandary about what to do, whether to take this moment of opportunity or choose the path of least resistance. I was procrastinating about it all day and even a little liquid courage did nothing to bolster me further.

Now, the outfit I was considering was basically a t-shirt (male), denim skirt, black tights (later unfortuntly laddered) and my usual trainers. Very simple. As time ticked down, I thought I would just put the skirt on just to see how I felt in it and...actually left the house in it. Now, you may think the opposite from the blog title but this kind of typified my inner struggle plus I think it made a better title. So I took the journey, about an hour or so, to the pub the party was being held in. I think I got some looks but I could just be paranoid. It did help having my ipod on too. The rain however did not help.

So a good night right? Well, a bit of a setback for some reason I was in a foul mood most of the night, angry at myself, my own procrastination and still feeling very self conscious. Nobody minded though and the only person who said anything was me. It was even broadcast live on social media. I had some great discussions with some of the women there though and someone even lent me some nail polish to try it out which has excited me a little, trying out someone's own colour. Despite a positive experience, it has left me a little hesitant to do it again for a while and to be honest I almost wish I had worn my trousers that night and just blended in. I may have enjoyed the party more. Still, it's another step at least.

Quandary

I've been thinking about another public outing recently but this time I'm a little more hesitant.

I'm due to go to a party in a pub in London in a few days time most of the people there will be friends, an I was considering wearing a skirt. Hell, I spent at least an hour on the underground in a dress so it can't be hard right?

So why am I so hesitant? Well, despite everything, I've always been quite shy, bit of an introvert, and in fact it's fascinating to me that God or fate or whoever saw fit to give me these feelings which, If I decided to act on them and stay true to myself, puts me in the spotlight. Lights me up for everyone so I can't crawl into the background. If I want to. If I follow through.

I know I'll end up answering the same questions and replying to the same comments all night if I do and I don't know if it's worth the hassle. Might be better just to have a trouble free night but am I taking a backwards step if I do? Or maybe I'm just shooting a bit too high for now.