Future

Ok, so I'm feeling a bit better now.

The crying has stopped at least although I still can't stop thinking about her, wondering what I had done and when the rot set in. I have been learning not to put it all onto myself though and at least I was willing to fix it if I had been given the chance.

 I still haven't lost the thought that we might get back together at some point which I know is a bit unhealthy but I guess it's how far you take it. I think it's nice to have a little pocket of hope somewhere at the back of your head. We are still friends after all and there wasn't anything as bad as an affair between us. Looking back, I have a tendency to liken it to a Doctor Who episode The Name of the Doctor. The Great Intelligence sets out to infest the Doctor's timeline, turning every success into a defeat. That's what it feels like, every time you enjoyed something together or were happy, looking back you feel the sadness returning.

I hate being back to square one as well. I never enjoyed being single and was never any good at it although I am looking forward to meeting new people. Well, let's say about 10% because the rest is wrapped up in fear and neuroses but it's something. Speaking of which, I am considering having some therapy, see if that can solve any of the problems I have or at least point me in a direction. Perhaps I can get some stuff sorted out.

I have also been pondering a new blog idea which basically consists of writing about television. taking an episode of something I've watched recently and blogging about it whether it's this week's Doctor Who or, say, an episode of Babylon 5 which I have been watching for the first time recently. I got the idea from a book I read recently. Trouble is, I don't think I would have the time. I don't update this as much as I would want to despite having a slight wobble earlier in the year.

Anyway, I don't intend blogging on this subject again unless there are any further developments in my love life. Hopefully something a bit more cheery soon. I'm honestly not as gloomy as these posts sound sometimes. Well, apart from these last two.

The Break-Up

Yesterday my girlfriend broke up with me.

It's not as though this was a complete suprise since since she's been very distant for the past month. I thought that whatever it was there would be a way of fixing it but nope. She wasn't interested. We have apparently hit a dead end.

Needless to say, I've cried a lot over the past couple of days. This was my first relationship too. I think I began to get complacent and thought that our love would carry us through. She was the first person who seemed to fancy me and want to be with me and I thought that would continue. Apparently I was on a time frame. We did have some sexual problems and I was close to telling her about my crossdressing. I think she would have been accepting of it especially if it may have spiced things up.

It kind of feels like death. The other person has died and you can't help but see them everywhere, think about your lives and think of all the things you meant to do together. Of course, she wasn't perfect and there is some stuff I won't miss but right now I would give anything to have her back. Time heals and I may even meet someone else. If this is it for the rest of my life then at least I experienced a proper relationship.

In the end, time heals but right now it just bloody hurts.