So I've not been having that good a time recently. My job is just getting worse and worse at the moment and I'm considering resigning. Not sure what I'll do otherwise but I hope I would find somewhere. I think I'm in a marginally better place than I was when I was last unemployed about a decade ago.
Crossdressing does seem to be one thing I can enjoy though but summer can be hard especially with all this body hair needing attention. I have managed to feel a bit better about it this year though by wearing long dresses and maxi skirts. At least I don't feel quite as bad. Bought a lovely black pleated maxi skirt recently and it fits like a dream. I also have a cute Batman handbag which has the look of Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman outfit from Batman Returns coupled with a logo and cute bat ears on top. One thing I thought of after I wrote my last blog is how brave I can be sometimes. One event I went to recently took place in the top room of a pub which was crammed with football fans watching the Euros and I was quite please I managed to fight my way (not literally) to the room and back down again a couple of times for drinks all without incident. Even had a lovely compliment on my nails from the barmaid when I went back a few weeks later.
I did go to a convention a couple of weeks ago. Not in cosplay again but I ended up wearing a skirt. Cosplay is one of those things I run hot and cold about these days. There's so much I want to do but I'm also hit by this feeling that I'm just not good enough when there are others that do it so much better. I think I also prefer being in a group than on my lonesome again. Summer can be a hard time especially with all the pretty dresses and summer outfits about and I still have to wear a suit most days. In fact I will be going on a trip with some of my work colleagues abroad and there is going to be a big party so of course everyone is talking about what they want to wear. This has generally put me in a bad mood as I wasn't particularly keen on going anyway but knowing that I'll just have to wear my usual suit in a different country is just depressing. On the upside I think it proves growth because it wouldn't have been an issue for me a decade ago.
Make-up can be very intimidating although I did see a video last night which reduces it to the basics for MTF crossdressers which is nice. I did try some eyeshadow tonight, don't think it turned out that well. The whole discourse around trans people doesn't exactly help either with self confidence.
I used to think a lot about suicide and to be honest I still do. When you're young you think of ending it all just to spite people and make them miss you because of whatever crisis is going on (or at least I did anyway, I know everyone has different circumstances) but when you get older and more people have passed away you realise that this is it. Nothing (unless you believe in an afterlife). Back in my old job i would occasionally need to climb up racking to get boxes and I used to wonder what would happen if I just dropped but then the survival instinct kicks in and I knew I didn't really want to die. It's hard going on sometimes. I've come to the conclusion now that I don't want to die. I think.
