Money or Humiliation

Ok, so I should probably detail a few things that have happened recently.

1. I saw a lovely pair of shorts the other week (there may have been some fantasizing) so today I took the opportunity to try them on in the store. Top tip if you're planning on trying them on in store: take a few pieces (depending on what the store allows) of male clothing around with you to hide your real purchase. I grabbed a t-shirt and did this and then the unthinkable happened - I actually bought the t-shirt. I know, I must be sick in the head (in my defence, it did have a snow Dalek on the front). Unfortunately, the shorts were a bit too big for me (I'm actually surprised I seem to have gone down a size) and, bizarrely, I would have liked them to have been a bit shorter. Did feel a bit embarrassed though when the shop assistant asked if I wanted them put back after I failed to put them on the return rack. I mumbled 'yes' and walked away sheepishly. 

2. As you know, I've had some thoughts about telling my parents and I haven't done so in so many words yet but last week my mum did some repair work on a dress for me. I kind of covered this by making some cosplay excuse although she has been asking why I keep dressing up like a girl. I still have another dress I need some sewing done on so I may ask her again. Now I could just go to a shop in town and ask them and it would be a fraction less uncomfortable. It just goes to show I value money over embarrassment.

3. I've been shoe shopping again recently, seen a few things but not bought anything yet. I feel the need to buy a pair of boots for going out plus maybe a fleecy lined pair for the winter (along with more leggings). Now I've actually started going out dressed, I've started think more practically which is rather exciting rather than buying a dress, trying it on once and putting it away.

4.I have been thinking about necklaces too. I've seen a lovely heart one but I think it's too big for me (is a heart a bit too cliche too?) but I expect I'll find something. Frances on this year's The Apprentice always has a nice key necklace on and that looks cool. It is a learning curve after all, I'm still finding my style which at the moment veers between chavvy and preppy. There is a part of me that really wants to try on some trashy stuff just to see how it looks. 

5. I'm spending a lot of time clothes shopping at the moment (not actually buying much I add) and I'm really excited. There's just so much I want to buy and I'm holding myself back a little. 

6. The other week a friend of mine said I now dress like Amy Pond, (not referring to the crossplay) and I suppose I do and it feels quite cool although technically I think that outfit was half Clara and half Amy but perhaps more intriguingly it wasn't a million miles away from what I would have been wearing anyway. Jumper, jeans and trainers. Just a bit more girly. 

7. The dress code at my work has tightened up a bit recently so I'm now in a suit a lot more. I find it ironic that in a year I've started to dress more that I'm almost being forced back into a stereotypical male look. Now, I could propose the idea of wearing a skirt suit but that may be a step too far.

About Last Night

So, leading on from my last post, I did indeed go to a birthday party dressed last night (still fully clothed, to avoid confusion, well that's a misleading phrase although I doubt with my face and body there's a lot of confusion going on but, well, if there was it would be good for the ego).

Now, my primary concern was the travel and I'm happy to say that nothing really happened. It was much easier to open the door this time perhaps because I was a bit more convicted this time around. This had been in the back of my mind, and the outfit I wanted to wear, for most of the week. I knew what outfit I wanted to wear too and, apart from a few tights based considerations for the cold and rainy weather. For those that want to know, I wore a beige jumper with Peter Pan collar, blue denim mini skirt, black tights and a pair of Chuck Taylors. I've also found out that it helps with my nerves if I listen to music or a podcast on the way so I spend most of my time with my earphones in. This journey was a bit long and involved a walk, train journey, walk through a shopping centre, tube journey (including through the Death Star AKA Canary Wharf station. To further explain the hilarity of this joke, they filmed parts of Rogue One there) and another walk trying to find the place.

A couple of incidents stick in my mind and possibly that was due to my paranoia. I passed a guy while I was walking who definitely said something but I couldn't make it out because of my headphones. Probably nothing, probably just talking on his phone. There was an older lady who appeared to be looking in my general direction on the tube but she was just looking for a seat and then while walk on the way back there was a girl who appeared to be trying to look up my skirt. Not sure what to make of that. For the rest of my night, no-one even commented on my appearance although some of the girls I was with did say that I could wear a smaller size than I and perhaps I could wear a shorter skirt. Indeed, I have had much appreciation for my legs. Of course, if a transvestite standing at the bar doesn't seem to get noticed in an effort to get served I'm not sure about anyone else.

The Silhouette

It's been quite a busy few weeks and I think it shows just how far I've come that any one of these things would have, at one time, been huge steps for me.

One thing is that I've had the conversation about my crossdressing with my roommate, a friend of mine for over 20 years, and he's fine with it. Only done it once in front of him (bit too cold for tights in this house at the moment) and it hasn't really changed anything as I thought it might.

A few weeks ago, I went for a weekend away in a large town in the north of England and on one of those days decided to dress, spending most of the day in a glittery jumper, blue skirt and leggings. I was quite pleased, I walked around the town and even went for a meal with my friends although we spent most of the day in the hotel. Everyone was fine with it and the only time I felt uncomfortable was when I was at close quarters with someone in a lift. Indeed, the only time anyone questioned my choice of attire was in a lift when one girl asked why I was "wearing a girls top". I didn't answer in the end because by that time the lift stopped and I got out.

Now, why the title? Well, I was thinking about the last time I dressed in public a couple of months ago and why I was so annoyed with myself. I never added at the time how much of a wrench it was to walk out the door that evening and it certainly took an alcoholic contribution but sometimes I reach the point where I just want to do it and to hell with the consequences. The rage and frustration just builds up so much I just want to throw myself into the fire, or dance into it as Duran Duran would have it, and take whatever is thrown at me. Nerves do get the better of me at certain situations and despite initial nerves I reach a point where I just don't care about it any more and just want to get it over and done with. Don't want to be scared any more.

Anyway, back to the title, after the last time I figured out that I'm not used to the silhouette. I'm used to looking down and seeing a pair of trousers, not a skirt and my legs (which I have been told look wonderful) in tights or leggings. It looks unusual. I started to think about this after going to the toilet in that pub and a friend remarked that it was 'weird  to see a skirt coming down the stairs'. In the nicest way you understand. Another friend later got me to have a word with him as he was scared he had offended me. I have to accept that as me now and once I get used to it, I think things will be better. Wearing a jumper or top is different, mainly because I can hide it but you can't hide the bottom half so well.

As a brief update on clothes and make-up, I have bought another couple of tops (one I'm still waiting for, Amazon), tried lipstick briefly and also continued to paint my nails. Last week while out drinking with friend's again, one pressed some nail varnishes into my hand while at the bar. I'm so grateful to this woman for a lot of things. When she first saw me dressed, she asked whether I had always felt odd wearing trousers (or something to that effect, I can't quite recall at this late hour) and I was quite taken aback. I had never considered anything like that. Anyway, she passed me them at the bar in case I didn't want anyone else to see which is very considerate although it has strengthened my resolve. Why should I be ashamed of this? I'm only wearing clothes after all.  I should own it more, not feel so ashamed. Then again it's not as if I've not been in a fight or been threatened in my life and that was wearing my normal clothes. I wear a suit every day for my job and that seems to draw all sorts of people to you thinking that you've got pots of money to give away (bust my lip the other week after I slipped over trying to run away from someone, true story). I think also because I expect it, I can front it out a bit more.

All of which leads me up to the present and another birthday party at a London bar (I'm not an alcoholic, honest) this coming weekend in which I'm considering/really wanna dress for. My earlier experiences have led me to another source of frustration and that is travel. When I'm with my friends, I'm fine and even up north there was a hotel in easy running distance but like the other month and this up coming weekend I will have the stress of train and tube travel, feeling that everyone's starring at me. I think it goes back to feeling at close quarters with someone. It doesn't help that a football stadium has recently been built on the line I travel on. I guess the only way to get over this is to do it more until I get more relaxed with my new silhouette.