Dark Fantasies

I've not been having a good time of it recently.

I've had a cold for the last couple of weeks that I really can't shift plus I feel like I'm drowning at work. It's not been this bad for a while now and I feel like I can't keep up. I still see occasional updates from my ex girlfriend on social networking sites. I know I probably should defriend her and one day it will become too hard to see her pop up but I just can't take that leap for some reason. It's tough to see someone with whom you shared nearly everything living their life without you.

I should really buy those dresses I wanted to. I've been on my own a lot recently so I've been wanting to dress up again.

Anyway, just wanted to write a bit about a current fantasy of mine relating to goth girls. A few years ago there was a gothy club in London that I thought of visiting. I never did, a bit nervous about sticking out like a sore thumb as it's not really my scene to be honest, but I always had a little fantasy about a girl dressing me up so we could go together. For some reason that came back to me again recently.

I would go to her place, some loft apartment close by, to get dressed. Strip off and put on bra and knickers, black with skulls on them (yes stereotypical I know but for some reason it turns me on) and fishnet tights. Now there are many clothes I could go with but at the moment it's a big frilly black dress perhaps with ruffles, bows with a cameo collar that thrills me. Long elaborate frilly dresses, perhaps in a southern belle style and long gloves, have been a little fantasy for a while now. Gloves of course, either long black ones or short sheer black ones with frills on the ends. A big pair of gothy boots too. A friend of mine's ex-girlfriend had a lovely pair I coveted a little and tried to think of situations in which I could borrow and wear them. Not sure whether I would wear a wig or just some long, colourful hair extensions. A fascinator too or maybe a small top hat. She would do my make-up and perhaps add some accessories and give me a handbag, perhaps something really stereotypical like a coffin shaped one. Maybe it would be filled with things like a gothy purse, some make-up, maybe cigarettes and condoms. Perhaps I may carry a parasol too.

We would then head over to the club. She would be dressed in a similar style.I would probably stick by her and just enjoy myself or maybe we would agree on a name and persona for me. She could tell me what to do for the rest of the night. Perhaps I might even just stay quiet and enhance my mystery.  Not sure what would happen after that, probably just crash back at her place. It would be such an exhilarating night.

Gothic Wedding Dress

Photo from: Heeyfashion.com

Dreams

A few weeks ago I had a dream.

Now, I'm always interested in what they might mean because it's usually a sign of what's currently bothering you or otherwise on your mind. Dreams can be hard to interpret too. You could dream yourself going into a shop and buying a pasty and it could turn out to mean you wish to travel more.

In this dream I was wearing pair of pink shorts, a little velvety I think but with a very bejeweled button at the top so I was in no doubt they were for women.

I've looked into some interpretations of this and it appears that for a man to cross-dress in a dream means he is worried about his feminine side or he wishes to acknowledge it more; a caring and more sensitive side of himself however it may also reflect fears of subordination. For a woman it mean much the same thing but with their masculine side; worries over being too aggressive or wanting to be more assertive.

I wonder whether with me it is a little more literal. Maybe I seek to let out my feminine side a bit more these days, purchase more clothes and dress up a bit more. Maybe I also feel more submissive, more under the cosh these days. I have dreamt of cross-dressing before but never that much over the years. I suppose I hope in some weird way that it could be a vindication of my feelings and that my mind is confirming that, yes this is really what I want to do, what I yearn for.

Still, I can dream...

Quantum Leap #3: Miss Deep South

Miss Deep South

(07 June 1958)

Sam is...Darlene Monty (AKA Miss Sugar Belle), Southern Stunner.

The Mission: Find out why fellow beauty pageant contestant Connie Duncan disappears.

We now reach 'Beauty Pageant Contestant' in the big Quantum Leap checklist of feminine situations to put Sam into. The plot is quite a common one for this show, namely that Sam has to find out why/stop someone disappearing. Sam is a beauty pageant contestant and has to find out what happened to roommate Connie. In the end it turns out to be a sleazy photographer selling nudie photos of the contestants. 

Watching this again it reminded me of Sam's first foray into femininity in What Price Gloria. Sam is clearly hating being a woman again and going through the rigmarole of the contest with the parasol parade, swimsuit show and talent contest and it's a nice touch that he has to finish third in order to keep Darlene's life on track and thereby meaning he can't just ignore it. His relationship with Connie is reminiscent of Gloria too as the two share many nice moments together. Gloria was the stronger character and I think the actress was better but Connie is a different, more innocent person than the more independent Gloria. The time period is much the same as well with three years between both episodes settings and photographer Clifford, although sleazy, is a more low key performance than Buddy. 

Since we are now in the third season, Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell know their parts very well and Scott really shines in this episode with so many bits of physical business such as covering his face with his hand while talking to Al. Remarks are made on his masculine walking and grip and, again like Gloria, once he gets back into his room after his interview with Colonel Sanders, he immediately dispenses with the earrings and heels. There's a lovely reveal of him at the beginning of the episode too as he emerges from a bus and it dawns on him, thanks to a poodle skirt, that he's a woman again. There is of course also the Carmen Miranda outfit too and two great musical moments come out of this episode as Sam and Al perform Cuanto Le Gusta and later Sam give a great rendition of Great Balls of Fire. This show always made use of Scott Bakula's lovely singing voice and he's clearly loving it here and despite the character's reticence at entering a beauty contest he's overcome with genuine emotion at the end as it's revealed that he's won and it's lovely that he wishes his sister was there to see him win. 

Overall I liked it. It's not a favourite for me but still an enjoyable story. It comes at an interesting point in the series too. It's a comedy episode in between the chilling and a bit surreal Halloween story The Boogieman and racially charged Black On White On Fire. I have to wonder whether Sam would take his pageant teachings into his next lives and what the hell Darlene thought of 'her' performance of Great Balls of Fire. One minute she's on the bus to the contest and the next she's won it. There's a rather sober end for Connie too and we don't get the 'she became a famous actress' end but just the fact that she continued acting and led a good life. Quantum Leap often gave a rather low key end for its supporting characters, they may not make it but they would live a happy life. In the end, I guess that's what we all hope for.